A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron Wrapped tightly around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' ". "I don't remember much after that."
Ouch. Nice one! A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first [oral s*x] job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house!" "No offense, sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, the 7th won't either." AND A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It notes that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the largest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
T e a c h i n g M a t h Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "History of Teaching Math": Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees (There are no wrong answers.) Teaching Math In 2005 El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............
A man wakes up on the morning of an important business trip when, to his dismay, he finds that his alarm clock didn't go off and he is running late. He hurriedly gets dressed, speeds to the airport, and rushes to stand in line at the ticket counter. When he gets to the counter, he sees that the attendant has ENORMOUS breasts. He stands up and promply sticks his foot in his mouth by saying "I need to pick up my picket to Titsburgh," at which point, both have a laugh about it. The man gets his ticket and makes his plane on time, and is still embarrassed as he gets to his seat. A conversation strikes up between the man and the passenger in the next seat in which the man recounts the story about the well endowed attendant and his own slip of the tongue. The passenger in the next seat says "that's no big deal, it is called a Freudian slip and it happens all the time. In fact, I had a similar slip this morning. I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say 'Honey, would you please pass the sugar,' but what came out was 'you ignorant b****, I can't believe I wasted half my life on you.'"
This is long, and I typed it out from memory so I hope I told it correctly. Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates to see if they can get into Heaven. Saint Peter says to them, "Men, we have a problem. There is only enough room for one of you to get into Heaven today. I'm sorry. Rules are rules. Under normal circumstances all three of you would get in, so the only way I can think of to do this is for each of you to tell me how you died, and the man with the most interesting story will get into Heaven." The men have no choice, so they agree. The first man steps up to Saint Peter. "Well, I had the day off today and I was out on my balcony watering the flowers that I grow in the flowerboxes on the railing. I was leaning over the railing and admiring the view. I live on the 15th floor of my apartment building and the view is great. I had my golden retriever, Spike, out on the balcony with me. I guess he got excited and jumped on me and he knocked me over the railing. With the grace of God I was able to grab a hold of the railing on the apartment below mine. I was trying to pull myself up when some a-hole runs out and starts smashing my fingers with a hammer. I fell 14 stories into some bushes below. I had survived. It was a miracle, but then that same guy got his refrigerator and threw it over the railing. It fell 14 stories and landed on me. No miracles this time." Saint Peter is in shock. "Wow, I really don't see how you won't win this thing, but go ahead and stand over there and let these other guys tell me their stories." The second man steps up to Saint Peter. "Well, I was at work all morning, but decided to take off during my lunch hour. I had been pretty suspicious that my wife had been cheating on me while I was at work everyday, and I finally decided to come home early and catch her in the act. I parked across the street and ran up the 14 floors to my apartment. When I entered my apartment my wife was in the shower, but I knew there was a man there. I smelt men's cologne. I searched in the closets, under the bed, everywhere. Then I saw him. There were ten fingers gripping on the railing of my balcony outside. I just lost it. I started smashing his fingers in with a hammer. He held on and held on, but finally he fell into some bushes below. Just to make sure he was dead I pulled our refrigerator out and threw it over the railing. All of that adrenaline, I'm still not sure how I lifted it. It was so heavy." Saint Peter says, "Wow. I still don't understand though, how exactly did you die?" The man replies, "Well, the cord to the refrigerator had somehow gotten around my ankle and when I threw it over, I went over too" "Wow", says Saint Peter. "Go stand over there. You surely are the winner. You killed a man, but that story was excellent." The third man steps up to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Look, you really have no shot at this, but go ahead anyway" The man gives a smug glance at the other two men and then looks back at Saint Peter. "Ok, check this out... So I'm naked in a refrigerator...."
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way. Unique up on it.
Through extensive research.....Scientists have finally found the cause of Captain Hook's death............... jock itch.
