New Jokes

your were so pathetic at little league baseball that everytime you got a hit you got a pack of 91 Donruss.

oh wait, that was true.

 

that just inspired me to write another joke.

Your momma so poor that the only toys you ever got were packs of baseball cards because the gum inside could be your dinner. The malnutrition lead to developmental defects, making you very small for your age. Kids relentlessy picked on you, but you were so small that you not retaliate, and instead you were forced waited until you had children so you could take our your anger on them in the form of nightly beatings.

 

hahaha, how funny. i was just thinking of the word "weak." j/k

 

What do you call a fat Asian person?

A chunk.

 

don't mean to offend anybody with anything written here...it's just something i wrote up in 5 minutes, so i wasn't really careful at all, but yeh, i think it'd make a decent comedy act. it probably wouldn't, but oh well, it's my attempt.

Hey everybody, welcome to the show. My name is Another Brother.

(long silence, either until it becomes really quiet and awkward or until chatter starts arising).

what? you don't think i'm funny? f*** you.

When i watch comedy on TV, whenever Chris Rock is introduced he gets an applause - same with the mention of Dave Chapelle. (medium pause)

Okay, i must be doing something wrong, either that or you guys are a bunch of f***ing idiots. I said the same names as the other guys say and there's still no applause.

...Another...Brother... (another long pause)

okay, i'm serious. i'm gonna keep this going until i here a f***ing applause.

(keep on repeating your name until the people clap...once you get a loud applause, the show continues).

okay okay, thank you very much.

So, did you guys ever hear about the fat lady that was so fat she got a burger named after her? me either...

Now, on the topic of burgers, what does mcdonalds and michael jackson have in common? they both stick their meat between 10 year old buns...yeh yeh, it's hard to get through a comedy act these days without the name michael jackson. i mean, it's such an easy target - because it really only offends him. you know - it's tough these days, tough to get away with black jokes without being called a racist, tough to get away with white jokes without being sued. so the easy target is michael jackson, cuz, well - nobody knows what the hell he is, but we all know that he has a strong desire for little children.

so, why did the group of little children cross the road? stop being a pervert, i hear what all you people are thinking, "michael jackson's house, michael jackson's house" - seriously - get your head outta the gutter, they were goin to get some definately fine p***y from their social studies teacher.

now seriously, what is it with all these 40 year old female teachers getting action from their students or vice versa? you hear of this almost every month now...i mean, when i read these stories, i just think to myself - why couldn't this of happened when i was in school? oh yeah, i almost forgot, it's because i was busy bangin with the girls in my class instead of with the teacher. yeh, why do you think they call me another brother? it's because everytime one of them had a kid, the rest of them knew their kid just inherited another brother. yeh, i was the baby maker of my school alright. now all my kid's kids are gettin the same old hags that their grandpa here used to be hittin up. oh the circle of life.

now, speakin of the circle of life. it seems like it's really just a day old circle. what do i do everyday? wake up, shower, eat, work, eat, watch tv, go to bed. that is my circle of life. yes, a nice complete circle. what do you call a gay mans circle of life?
an *******.

well, that's all for me, i'm out like martha stewart.

 

Meh, 5 mins and that's the best you could do?

Let me cook up some quick BBS satire...


<random young BBS kid> Hey Guys, I'm in serious relationship trouble. I love my girlfriend but her aunt keeps making sexual advances towards me and she is married to my best friend's dad so it's like if we end up having sex I'll be pissing off everyone I know. what the **** do i do?

<moestavern19> Hit that **** and don't look back, you're in for it as it is.

<Swoly-D> DO IT IN THE BUTT YAY I HAVE MORE POSTS THAN 14 PEOPLE IN THE HANGOUT.

<Manny Ramirez> You know this is like my own life, where I have to struggle with working 20 hours a day and going to school for the other 5... -Continues for 16 more paragraphs- ... And that is why Pink Floyd is the best rock band ever.

<rockets#1> WOW manny you really enlightened me with that, can we be soul mates?

<fadeaway> getting back to the topic... I think you should definatley give it to that chick, I know I... well... my friend wouldn't.

<Isabel> Sigh , I've been going through this stuggle for a long time myself, I just can't figure out what in the world is going on. I mean these 20 year old guys keep staring at me and what's worse is Ferdinand won't even take the trash out anymore and I'm at the point where if I don't -Continues for 4 more paragraphs-
... Well I guess I'm just going to have to remain miserable.

<Jeff> Hang in there Isabel, I know what you are going through
-Continues for 19 paragraphs- ... I'm here for you, email me if you want to talk more

<Isabel> (expresses thanks to Jeff, and delves further into the topic)

<Jeff> (Types up an Anne Landers on crystal meth response while somehow avoiding all sexual tension)

<Zac_D> Isabel, Marry me at once. (Post ignored for 50th time)

<EddieWasSnubbed> Hey my Girlfriend said that infidelity leads to penises rotting off over time, so I'm staying inside the house with her for the rest of my life so i won't even be tempted to cheat.

<RIET> You both are ****ing pathetic, get a room and stop wasting bandwith. Anyway, back to the topic... If you end up having sex with the aunt your life will be -continues for 4 more sentences- ... and that is why I'm just better than all of you.

<Behad> Irrelavant Seinfeld quote
<codell> funnier irrelevant Seinfeld quote, semi-relevant part bolded

<Another Brother> Jeff, you mad pimpin!

<MadMax> Hit it from the back ****face, ******* Imma st8 up cocksmack the next maw'****a who come up in Hee-yuh with this wack shizznit.

THE END

 

The funniest posts in this thread were the ones that aren't even intended to be funny. Good stuff.

 

aaah yes..
you mean moe's post.

 

Though, as a positive, not as horrifying either.

 

I know your act isn't very blue, but do you have a version of the Aristocrats joke?

I'm really looking forward to the Aristrocrats movie so I can hear Gilbert Godfried's 45 minute version.