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The Onion Takes on Chinese New Year

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Sishir Chang, Mar 8, 2005.

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Sishir Chang Member

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Leave it to the Onion to put Chinese New Year in perspective.

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/

Thank God the Year of the Monkey is Over
By Brian Kang

Boy, that was some great New Year season this year. I suppose I shouldn't have drunk as much as I did at my friend's Lantern Festival, but I was in the mood to really cut loose. Everyone says the Year of the Monkey is the year of success, filled with unexpected opportunities for all. What a load of crap. The Year of the Monkey couldn't have ended fast enough for me.

Everyone's like, "Year of the Monkey—that's one of the best astrological years, full of energy and vitality." Some parents even make an effort to conceive so that their kid'll be born in that year. I'm sorry, but last year sucked. I knew it the second I dropped the Prosperity Cake on the ground at the reunion dinner.

My sister was like, "But each Year of the Monkey brings new, unconventional ways of doing things." That's so true! My boss found a new and unconventional way to fire me. He told me that the way things were going, cutbacks were inevitable, so they had to let me go. Mind you, he didn't say they were strapped just yet, just that they were going to be. That's unconventional, all right! Thank you, Glorious Monkey. You piece of ****. Plus, my landlord told me one week into the year that my building was being turned into a bakery. What a blessing! I was kicked out of my apartment for a new, "unconventional" reason. Monkey, my ass.

"People born in the Year of the Monkey are fun and carefree." So true! The year produced my new roommate Ben, a drunken halfwit who slept through an entire semester of art-history classes and then complained to me for three hours when he got an "F." If a roulette wheel were completely black, the monkey would put his money on red. If the monkey ran the country, we'd be too busy holding cockfights to think about running schools and building roads.

My dad was born in the Year of the Monkey, but he's hardly what I'd call lively, unless you call watching television every waking moment of your life lively. At the beginning of last year, I had to deal with him acting like he was Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi all of a sudden. Every time he needed something done, it was like, "Hey Brian, come change this light bulb. After all, it's my year!" Then he'd laugh like it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard. I guess I thought it was funny on Jan. 22, but by June, I was tired of being his indentured servant. By that time, he'd just point at a burned-out light bulb without even looking up from Wheel Of Fortune.

Oh, I got dumped last year, too. Did I mention that? I met this woman who was great. We were clicking like nobody's business, and I really thought we had something going when she asked me what year I was born. I told her 1978, and she was quiet for a while before she said, "That's the Year of the Horse, isn't it?" I knew I was done for. She told me we'd have major compatibility issues because she was born in the Year of the Monkey. ****ing hell, she could have just said she didn't like me, but she had to pull that year-of-the-monkey business out of her ass. I suppose she thought she was letting me down easy.

Well, I sure hope the Year of the Rooster is better. The Year of the Rooster is characterized by overconfidence and bad judgment. Fine by me. With that as a backdrop, those of us with our heads on our shoulders—we horses and rats and so on—will be given a chance to really shine. So hopefully, things will turn around this year. But here's an early warning: Don't try calling me in 2016, because I'll be staying in bed the entire ****ty year.
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#1 Sishir Chang, Mar 8, 2005

Faos Member

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Some parents even make an effort to conceive so that their kid'll be born in that year.
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My wife, who is Tiawanese, was quite happy our daughter was born in the year of the monkey.

For the record.

Me - tiger
Wife - pig
son - sheep
daughter - monkey

#2 Faos, Mar 8, 2005
VooDooPope Love > Hate

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Here is my family.

Wife - Sheep
Me - Rooster
Daughter - Dragon
Son - Horse

#3 VooDooPope, Mar 8, 2005
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I was born in the year of the Rabbit and it seems like about every woman I start dating was born in the Snake. And thats not a good mix.

#4 Aceshigh7, Mar 8, 2005
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My daughter was just born 12/27, so I guess that was Monkey?

#5 JuanValdez, Mar 8, 2005
Fatty FatBastard Member

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I'm the year of the Rat. Never quite liked that one, so I don't follow the Chinese calendar.

#6 Fatty FatBastard, Mar 8, 2005
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What is 1984 in the Chinese calendar?

#7 bigtexxx, Mar 8, 2005

Fatty FatBastard Member

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Originally posted by bigtexxx
What is 1984 in the Chinese calendar?
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Year of the Macintosh.

#8 Fatty FatBastard, Mar 8, 2005
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Rats rule. They (we) won that fictional race after all by riding on the horse's snout.

#9 mr_gootan, Mar 8, 2005
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Originally posted by bigtexxx
What is 1984 in the Chinese calendar?
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You're not even 21 yet? I never suspected you were a mere child. I must make a note of this.

#10 SamFisher, Mar 8, 2005
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Originally posted by SamFisher
You're not even 21 yet? I never suspected you were a mere child. I must make a note of this.
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I can't wait to take my first sip of alcohol in a few months.

#11 bigtexxx, Mar 8, 2005
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Originally posted by bigtexxx
I can't wait to take my first sip of alcohol in a few months.
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I suggest you start off with Zimas and Hard Lemonades (which, if I'm not mistaken, your older doppelganger Jorge favors), then work your way up to the occasional Screwdriver or Seabreeze (oh and some Sex on the Beach). One of these days you'll move up to a Margarita.

#12 SamFisher, Mar 8, 2005
Sishir Chang Member

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For all those celebrating their year supposedly when your year rolls around its bad luck. I know the last time it was my year things were pretty bad.

Also anyone know what Yao's year is? If its a Rooster this might explain his drop off in production over the last few weeks.

#13 Sishir Chang, Mar 8, 2005

Sishir Chang Member

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Originally posted by SamFisher
I suggest you start off with Zimas
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Yeesh... How can any man drink Zima?

Start off with beer young man..Beer.

#14 Sishir Chang, Mar 8, 2005
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me: tarzan
wife: jane

#15 thegary, Mar 8, 2005
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Originally posted by Sishir Chang
Yeesh... How can any man drink Zima?

Start off with beer young man..Beer.
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Great, I will have to try some beer. I have heard that Zima's are somewhat "feminine drinks". I understand that being an associate at a law firm will preclude you from understanding societal norms due to a lack of leisure hours.

#16 bigtexxx, Mar 8, 2005
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The year for Yao is Monkey.

#17 Min Li, Mar 8, 2005
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1984 is Rat.

#18 Min Li, Mar 8, 2005

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Originally posted by Fatty FatBastard
I'm the year of the Rat. Never quite liked that one, so I don't follow the Chinese calendar.
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you could change your moniker to Ratty RatBastard

#19 thegary, Mar 8, 2005
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DO ME NEXT, DO ME NEXT!!!

1973?

PS- Please don't say rat.

#20 LonghornFan, Mar 8, 2005

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