To Captain Quint in the movie Jaws: BUY A BIGGER BOAT! To the teens in any Friday 13th movie: DON'T HAVE SEX OR DO DRUGS OR YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO DIE!
Dear Bill from Reefer Madness, You'll smoke cigarettes but when offered a soda you claim you "never touch the stuff." And you'd rather shag some horrid looking frumpy blonde than the hot number you're currently wooing? GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT MAN.
To the Victims of Michael Myers and Jason, Why the hell do you people run back into the house where the killer is and run into rooms without turning lights on.
To the idiot teens who insist on hanging out at Crystal Lake: Guy in hockey mask keeps returning from the dead and killing teens by the truckloads. Surely you've heard the stories. Camp somewhere else. To Jabba the Hut: If you didn't tap that, you're crazy. To Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day: You actually think you can hack an alien OS with a Mac. That's so cute. To Edward R. Rooney: Try spending less time catching Ferris and more time... you know... running the school and all. To Amidala Skywalker: Your "creepy stalker" alert system is broken. To Neo: If you fool around with a floozy in the Matrix, it's technically not cheating. To Marty McFly: Don't listen to Doc Brown. Give yourself the sports almanac.
Follow up: Burt....the gay, sleeveless wetsuit vest only ENCOURAGED the crazed, horny hillbilly's. Oh, and the homo cesar hair-cut didn't help either...
What I want to know is.... If you have sex in the matrix, and then leave the matrix, do you wake up in a puddle of spooj? -- droxford
Star Trek To anyone wearing a red shirt and beaming down to the planet.....Save yourself..BEAM BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE !
Dear Emperor, Yes, I know they're just teddy bears with sticks and stones. Sticks and stones can break bones, remember? I recommend you nuke the Ewok planet and rid it of its vermin infestation. THEN build your shield generator.
Liberal hippie guy in horror moives: YOU Cannot make deals with Stone Cold Killer guys or aliens or Monsters Rocket River
To any guy who is running on foot, with a chick, trying to get away from a creature, monster, alien, bad guy, etc....... It never fails. The stupid girl will fall down, twist her ankle, making you stop, go back, pick her up(since she can't run anymore ), and inevitably rescue her but it usually results in your death. In a foot chase with a chick...it's every man for himself! If she falls, "oh well, that's her tough luck". Save yourself and find another girl later on!
Yeah But usually the chick is fine as **** and if you save her life you'll score major brownie points. Of course if you die then that blows.
To Aragorn, son of Arathorn (aka Striker), You could have tapped the collective asses of both Eowyn and Arwen. Eowyn had been trying to get past the chainmail and into your pants like no one's business. Who's gonna say anything since you are Isiludur's heir? /end of ultra lotr geek rant
