Cool, I didn't know that priest jokes were included in this thread! A priest just got a phone call that a friend had just gone to the hospital, so he went to visit him, but first he needed somebody to be in the confession booth. He asked an alter boy...He said, "OK, son...here in the confession booth, I've listed the different pennances for various confessions. When a person confesses, just find it here and give them their pennance..." The alter boy said that it would be no problem, and got into the confession booth. A young lady gets in...She says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned...Last night, I gave a man a blowjob..." The alter boy looked at the list, but couldn't find "blowjob" anywhere...He got out of the confession booth and consulted one of the alter boys... "Hey Terrence, what does the father give for a blowjob??", the confused alter boy asks... Terrence says, "A blowjob?? Usually, a pack of skittles and a snickers bar!" ------------------ If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding!!
An archdeacon and a reverend are standing on a sidewalk in a rough neighbourhood. The reverend points across the street at an old, crumbling church with boarded up windows and prostitutes hanging around outside. "My, my" says the reverend, "Isn't that an eyesore?" "Yeah" replies the archdeacon, "And there's another nice w**** over by the restaurant!" ------------------ My dream job is to be a Houston Rockets towel-boy.
Your momma is so fat that when she wears a Malcom X tee shirt, the helicopters start landing. ------------------ humble, but hungry.
I just found a joke on the internet. Thanks to BK for jogging my memory with an earlier post. The following is the "code of conduct" for the Fan Feedback Forum at Dusty Garza's Spursreport.Com. Try not to fall off your chair as you laugh hysterically ******************************************** Welcome to the Fan Feedback Forum This section is one of the most exciting and entertaining aspects of spursreport.com It's content is provided by some of the most intelligent, insightful and rabid fans of the San Antonio Spurs. We pride ourselves in providing one of the best fan forum around. This is place where people of all ages can enjoy great debate and post the latest news and rumors about our Spurs. A place that is classy and informed. Readers come here for insight and great content. We do this by abiding to a simple code of conduct (see below). CODE OF CONDUCT I. Bring a solid argument- no matter what your point of view. Make sure you back up your arguments and offer facts to back up your opinions. If you have any good questions about the team or NBA, you are welcome to post them as well. II. No pointless name calling- we'll leave that for virtually EVERY other forum. If you have a personal problem with another fan- and it isn't at all related to basketball- take it somewhere else. Email each other if necessary- just don't waste our time (or bandwith) with it. III. The administrators keep an eye on the board. They will delete threads and permanently ban posters who do not abide by this code of conduct. The readers who come here come for the "insight" and entertaining content. Keep that in mind when you post something. Make the post count! IV. If you're gonna post a print or news story, be sure to add a link, so that the story can be verified and so that we can at least "hit" the page where it comes from. It is our way of expressing courtesy and saying "thanks" to the site with the posted info. Over time, the site will continue to evolve and we promise to make the content in fan feedback more prominent in our main pages. This area is full of great information that you won't find any place else. Historically, some huge stories and trade rumors have been made public here first! It is our sincere hope that each of you not only continue to come here and participate, but that you invite others here too! If you have any questions or need help posting, please go here. ********************************************* ------------------ Bring It!!
These priest jokes are pretty damn funny. Your mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can across the street? I asked her what she was doing, she said moving. That one is like the first mama joke I heard. ------------------ Fun Police Says: 1. Stupid threads are not FUN! 2. Spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure are not FUN! 3. Stupid BBS names are not FUN! 4. Conduct yourself in a FUN way! The Fun Police are Watching. Vote for the Rockets & Have FUN or be Assimilated.
An ordinary mother/house-wife is baking a cake one day for dessert after dinner that night. Upon reaching up into the cabinet for some sugar, she tips over a can of BBs right into the cake mix. She picks out as many as she can and proceeds to bake the cake. That night the family enjoys a wonderful dinner and then the cake for dessert. The next day the woman's young daughter comes into the kitchen in tears: Little Girl: "Mommy! Mommy! I was going wee-wee and a BB shot out of me!" Mom: "Don't worry dear. Everything will be okay. Now go back and play." Ten minutes pass and the mothers teen-age daughter comes in: Daughter: "Mom! You are not going to believe what just happened! I was peeing and this BB shot out of me! Damn near broke the bowl!" Mom: "Don't worry sweetheart. You'll be fine." An hour later, the mom's teen-age son comes into the kitchen with a look of absolute horror on his face. Son: "Omigod, mom!," the distraught young man wails. "You will never believe what just happened!" Mom: "Let me guess, you we're peeing and a BB shot out of you?" Son: "No! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!" ------------------ I need a new signature. 302
My brother just sent me this one.... Three 3rd graders, a Jew, an Italian, and a Redneck are on theplayground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest Pee Pee," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is about an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck whips his out. It is by far the biggest,dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italiankid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is HUGE!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh,we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest Pee Pee." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, Sidney, Anthony, and I each pulled out our *****es, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a country boy. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're 23. ------------------ Bring It!!
Sam the mailman is about to retire after 30 years of delivering mail to the residents of Elm Grove. Sam is a popular mailman, always quick with a smile and a kind remark, so it's no surprise that the neighborhood sees him off warmly. At the Johnsons' house, Sam receives a gift certificate and a bouquet of flowers. At the Smiths' place, it's a box of chocolates. And so on and so forth, as he makes his final rounds. Finally, he comes to a house whose residents have just recently moved in. He rings the doorbell, and a gorgeous naked blonde answers the door. Before Sam can speak, she's taken him into the bedroom. The two make passionate love. When Sam's had enough, they go downstairs and she fixes him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. As the blonde pours him a cup of coffe, Sam notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he says, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she replies, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." ------------------ Just because I spent five years trying to get a hold of a hammer, I don't have to spend the rest of my life driving nails. I hate this hammer and I hate driving nails. [This message has been edited by BrianKagy (edited August 31, 2000).]
Two parents were discussing their two teenage sons and the problem they had with obscene language. The father agreed that he would put an end to it at breakfast the next morning. The next morning, both sons came to breakfast. The father asked the first boy, "Son, what can I get you for breakfast?" The son replied, "Hell, gimme some of them f***in' Wheaties." The father reaches across and smacks the kid onto the floor. The boy gets up whimpering and gets back into his chair. The father says to the second boy, "Son, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy, a little nervous, says, "I'll tell you one G** d**n thing, it won't be any of those f***in' Wheaties!" ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
Mother Teresa goes on a 20 question game show. Before she steps out, the announcer shows a placard to the audience showing the answer: "moosecock". She creeps out and sits down. Announcer: okay Mother Teresa, do you know how our game show works? Mother Teresa: yes, she creaks. Announcer: Okay then, well you can fire away with your questions. Mother Teresa stares at the ceiling, deep in thought. Mother Teresa: is it something you can eat? Announcer: well... well, I, I guess. I'm.. Mother Teresa: is it MooseCock? ------------------ I've posted so much that what I say must be true. The latest on Maurice Taylor
Hurricane Evacuation Plan for Houston: Mexicans take I-10 West towards San Antonio Cajuns take I-10 East towards Baton Rouge Yankees take I-45 North towards Oklahoma Aggies take the 610 Loop ------------------ "Who Wants To Be A Rocket?" - and probably a millionaire as well. The off-season will be interesting!
This is kinda long, but funny: "What If God Had Voice Mail" ============================= We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if G0d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this........ Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS. Press 2 for THANKSGIVING. Press 3 for COMPLAINTS. Press 4 for HEALING. Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS. Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN. Press 7 for MIRACLES. Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS. Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI" Press 0 to hear this menu again What if God used the familiar excuse: "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium. Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer: If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11. For Michael, press 22. For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective." To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm. Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time). To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date. For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE. ------------------ "Who Wants To Be A Rocket?" - and probably a millionaire as well. The off-season will be interesting!
One day a boy brings home dead butterfly , his father says "What happened to that Butterfly son ?" . the boy replies "I Killed em'" the father says , "I told you not to kill harmles bugs! , that's it no "BUTTER" for a week ! .The boy runs away crying , the next week the boy brings in a dead Bee , The fathers says "What happened to that Bee son?" "I killed it" he replied . " I told you not to kill harmless Bugs , now go to your room!, and no HONEY for a week "says the Father , the boy runs away crying .Next week the boy and father are in the living room when they here a loud "Squish!" They both rush in and see a dead cockroach by the the Mother , the Father said what happened ? the Mother says i killed this cockroach , The Boy rages "DAD SAID NOT TO KILL HARMLESS BUGS , NOW NO **** FOR A WEEK! ------------------ President of nothing [This message has been edited by moestavern19 (edited August 31, 2000).]
One day the Little Rascals gang were all at school going about their daily school routine. Their teacher, Miss Crabtree, was asking them to make a sentence out of different words. "Spanky, you make a sentence out of the word, skip." Spanky replied, "I like to skip rocks at the town lake." "Now, Alfalfa, I want you to make a sentence out of the word, bake." Miss Crabtree asked. "My mother can bake the world's greatest pies!" Alfalfa responded. "Okay, good job everybody, now here's a tough one. Buckwheat, I want you to make a sentence out of the word dictate." Miss Crabtree asked sternly. Buckwheat thought for a moment and then blurted out, "Hey Darla, how my dictate last night?" ------------------ The one and only joke I can remember. -Turbo
gotta add this one... A guy works in a remote logging outpost has not been into town in at least 5 years, heads straight for the local whorehouse. On arriving the madam informs him that all the girls are busy. "Tell you what, for 25 dollars I can let you go in this room and screw this chicken..." The guy is taken back but after thinking about it agrees and returns to work. A year later he returns to the same whorehouse and finds that once again all the girls are with clients. "Man you sure have bad timing, tell you what, for 50 bucks I can let you go in the back room and watch these two women make love." The guy agrees and is escorted into a different room where on the other side of a one way mirror he sees two women making love. He notices another customer in the room with him watching the women and remarks, "Can you believe this? I come here looking for a good time and this is the best I get?" to which the other guy replies, "Thats nothing, you should have been here a year ago, I paid 100 dollars to watch some idiot screw a chicken!" ---------------------------------------- ------------------
