OK. . . I thought I was the only one that heard it that way Him and ole boy was just talking .. . there was no joke Rocket River
Shane Gillis' Trump impersonation is the gold standard. It's damn near spooky. SNL ****ing whiffed so bad letting him go during this era.
https://www.newsweek.com/shane-gillis-espys-monologue-2100072 "SGA is here. Give it up for SGA. H*** yeah, bro. And now, everybody sitting around him is in foul trouble." "Megan Rapinoe could not make it tonight. Nice. No? We're gonna pretend she's a good time. Alright!" "Jon Jones and Nate Diaz are here. I actually—h*** yeah. I had a couple drinks with those guys last night at the hotel, and it was terrifying." "Donald Trump wants to stage a UFC fight on the White House lawn. The last time he staged a fight in D.C., Mike Pence almost died. Alright. You don't have to do that. It was fine, I didn't write it. Actually, there was supposed to be an Epstein joke here, but it got deleted. Must have probably deleted itself, right? Probably never existed, actually. Let's move on as a country and ignore that." "The New York Knicks had a great season. Yeah, h*** yeah. Karl-Anthony Towns is here, hey girl. Maxx Crosby is here. Maxx, I hope you had a good Juneteenth, brother. Well, that guy's weird." "Four-time WNBA all-star Brittany Hicks is here. Give it up for Brittany, everybody. I'm joking around, that's my friend's wife. I knew none of you knew WNBA players. That's crazy you clap with it." "Simone Biles is here. Yeah, h*** yeah. It's not bad. Simone Biles is four foot eight and has seven gold medals. She's short and has a lot of gold. When she's not competing, she leads a quiet life at the base of a rainbow. It's a leprechaun joke. If you tell Simone a riddle and she can't answer it, she has to give you all of her gold medals. That was the best one." "Joe Rogan actually wanted me to be here to host this award show so that I could capture Adam Silver because Joe thinks he's an alien. And Donald Trump wanted me to be here to capture Juan Soto for the same reason. It's an alien joke, who booed up there, dude, shut up." "Aaron Rodgers did not take the vaccine because he predicted it would be bad for him. And then he joined the New York Jets. So maybe he wasn't right about everything." "Shedeur Sanders had his jersey number retired at Colorado this year, and people are saying it's because of nepotism, because of his father, and it's not. It's because he went 13 and 12 over his career and he almost won the Alamo Bowl. Definitely not nepotism, right?" "It's a big year for the WNBA. I love Caitlin Clark. Yeah, h*** yeah. Caitlin Clark, she and I have a lot in common. We're both whites from the Midwest who have nailed a bunch of threes. All right, there you go, lighten up a little, this is not serious. We'll see about this one. When Caitlin Clark retires from the WNBA, she's going to work at a Waffle House so she can continue doing what she loves most, fistfighting Black women. H*** yeah, who yelled, Druski? Thank you, bro. Oh, Jon Jones. What are you nut jobs over there? H*** yeah." "Shohei Ohtani couldn't make it tonight. Man, I hope his interpreter didn't bet that he was going to be here. Shohei is a once-in-a-generation talent. No one's been able to do what he does at so many positions. Pitcher, hitter, and bookie. A bookie is what Bill Belichick reads to his girlfriend before bedtime. They do. They read, uh, The Very Horny Caterpillar, The Little Engine That Could But Needed a Pill First, and of course, the classic Goodnight Boobs. That was my favorite one." "Also, I'm not trashing Bill Belichick. First off, he's 73 years old and he's dating a hot 24-year-old, and people are criticizing him? What happened to this country? We used to be a great country. He won six Super Bowls. He's dating a hot 24-year-old. Maybe if you guys won six Super Bowls, you wouldn't be sitting next to a fat ugly dog wife. They let me do it. I don't—This is Disney. They allowed that. Uh, yeah, I'm gonna tell you a story. I was at, uh—Yeah, we should have taken that out. Uh—I had doubts going into that. That didn't work all week." "Actually, it was a good year for me in sports. I went to Notre Dame, went to the national title. I was the—Yeah, go Irish. I was at the Eagles Super Bowl when they won. And it was not—Yeah. Go birds. Uh, yeah, go birds, yeah. But I was down there, I'm just gonna tell you a story real quick, it's not a good joke. I was—it was halftime of the game, and we looked up and you could see Donald Trump, he was sitting in the suite, like at the 50-yard line. You couldn't see him, but you could see like his silhouette. You know what I mean?" "Also, can we stop pretending Donald Trump knows ball? It's like a weird thing where they're like, man, he loves sports. He doesn't know anything about sports. Every time a team comes and visits the White House, he's like, and you must be the guy who catches. It's, like, look at these guys, big guys, Black guys. And that's just when the New York Liberty visited. They didn't visit, that's just a joke, but it was halftime and we looked up and we saw Trump. I was with my buddy and I was like, 'We should just sneak up there and try to meet him.' And we did, we got into his suite, which turns out it's pretty easy to get access to Donald Trump. It's probably why he keeps getting shot all the time. We just got right in there, but we're in there. He doesn't know who I am, but there's a line of people and he's just shaking hands with everybody. And I was at the end of the line. But also I took a picture with him, and I posted it, and people got upset about that. What the h***? He's the president. If Osama bin Laden was in the suite, I would have been like, 'You're crazy.'" "But, he's shaking hands with everybody, and it's very funny, Trump does this thing whenever he meets somebody for the first time, even if he doesn't know him, he gives him like a crazy compliment. It's kind of nice, like he got to the guy next to me and he was like, 'Look at you, you're beautiful.' And then he got me and was like, 'Look at you you're huge.' I was like, 'Thank you, Mr. President.' But he shook my hand and he stood next to me. So I'm just, you know, I was at the end of the line so there's no one else for him to shake hands with. So he's just standing next to—I got to hear him breathe for like a minute." "And then his daughter, Ivanka, walked over to us, which by the way, so hot, she walked over and I was, it was halftime at the Super Bowl. I was hammered. I was like, 'Hello, your dad just said I was huge.' So now it's me, Trump and Ivanka. They're not talking to me, obviously, but I can overhear what they're saying. And Trump goes, 'Ivanka, how would you like to meet the president of soccer?' And sure enough, the president of FIFA soccer was also in the suite with us. He was getting like nachos. And Donald Trump just looks at him and goes, 'Ew.' And the guy put his plate down and walked straight to us. And then Donald Trump didn't even look at him. He just kept talking to his daughter and he goes, 'This is the president of soccer. And they gave us the World Cup and they did that because of me,' and then he walked out of the room. It's just me and the president of FIFA looking at each other like... 'That was crazy.'" "All right, that was a dumb thing to say. It was crazy, that crazy being in that room. It's crazy to be in this room with so many legends. You guys are awesome. Oscar Robertson, that's awesome. Sugar Ray Leonard's here, h*** yeah. Sugar Ray, you're the man, but in 10 years, Jake Paul's gonna try to knock you out, so take it easy." "There's one thing I wanna say before I get out of here, and this is a dumb joke, you guys aren't gonna like it, but it was, it's just a Norm Macdonald joke that I loved when he hosted the ESPYS, and I'm gonna do it now. Travis Hunter won the Heisman Trophy this year. He's the first defensive player since Charles Woodson to win the Heisman. Congratulations, Travis Hunter. Winning the Heisman, that's something they can never take away from you, unless you kill your wife and a waiter. In which case, they can take that away from you. Well, I see a lot of you don't like me, and that's OK."
