This has been around for a while but it's still pretty funny...and relevant. 36 RULES FOR BANDS 1. Never start a trio with a married couple. 2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him. 3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. 4. No one cares who you've opened for. 5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important". 6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up. 7. When you talk on stage you are never funny. 8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") 9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. 10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network. 11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal". 12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go. 13. Never name a song after your band. 14. Never name your band after a song. 15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY. 16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. 17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band" "open mike", etc. 18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both. 19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. 20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay. 21. No one cares that you have a web site. 22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. 23. Don't hire a publicist. 24. Playing in Huntsville and Conroe doesn't mean you're on tour. 25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. 26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs? 27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends are for. 28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks. 29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas. 30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? 31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up. 32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. 33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. 34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat. 35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit". 36. Three things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle
ROTFLMAO! I had seen that a few years ago. I love #3. I #30. Yes, 16 year olds can play blues solos, but Dimebag Darryl is hardly a bluesman!
That's even funnier considering the second I read that, my iPod started playing "The Way". BTW, everyone knows that drummers write the best songs. Look at Ringo......damn. Nevermind.
#19 is my favorite. My 15 yr old son plays guitar and has dillusions of forming a band. I'll be there for all his gigs...LOL
Man I love rock & roll confidential. I wish I could figure out how to submit stuff to them.. I've got some golden material for them.
Yeah, I should have added: 37. Do not pose for your band photo: 1) On railroad tracks 2) In front of a brick wall
#199: Never, never wear a white belt onstage (unless you're intending to hang yourself with it). #200: If you're describing your guitar skills, it's better to say nothing than to say, "I know all my power chords." #201: Bass players - if you play most of your notes above the twelfth fret, give up the bass and start playing ukulele. Immediately.
