A friend of mine killed himself

So sorry to hear about your loss.

I had a coworker take their life this year too. He was very young, funny, easy going, had loving and supportive parents… I can’t understand at all.

I also know several teens who have done it and I talk to my daughter about it openly. It’s scary.

 

Sorry for your loss. Some people can't handle this crazy world. I feel for his family.

 

wow condolences to his family. it seems like there were no telltale signs.
not to siderail this, but unfortunate that people with real mental health problems aren't getting help while tru warirors like joyce white and ben simpsons are getting all the mental health attention.

 

Damn.. Very sorry to hear about your friend and my deepest sympathy to his family.

Depression can strike even those who seem to have it all and men are particularly prone to hiding their depressions until it’s too late. I’ve sadly had a few adult male friends of mine end their own lives and I know at least one Clutchfans has. I also often think of Anthony Bourdain who was someone I admired a lot. From the outside he definitely appeared to have an amazing life but he had demons he was fighting to.

Always a reminder to not reach out to and not take for granted friends. Even if they seem like they have it all together. Also not to keep our demons inside and be willing to seek help.

 

I don’t know who Joyce White or Ben Simmons are but this idea of a warrior as one who just keeps things bottled up and silently endures isn’t always good. A warrior can acknowledge weakness yet work to overcome it.

 

My middle school/highschool bestfriend also killed himself this year, the hardest part is knowing it was one of his parents who found him (gun). I found out a month ago, and have thoughts/emotions about it just about every day.

Sorry for your and his family's loss ATW.

He's making a joke about Royce White/Ben Simmons pulling the mental health cards to avoid playing, to be fair I think Royce White legitimately had/has problems, not sure about Ben Simpsons lol.

 

That's really terrible and can't imagine the pain your friend's parents must have felt.

Thanks for the clarification. Yes I agree that Royce White probably does have real issues.

 

Sorry to read about this, ATW, but thanks for sharing.

If any of y'all feel this desperate, reach out to someone. Heck, post for us nincompoops here and we'll lend you an ear.

The whole story you've shared is eerily similar to that of Ludwig Boltzmann. Sorry to get nerdy, but he was one of the most brilliant physicists of his time but he hanged himself during a family vacation (near Trieste, I believe). He had struggled with depression for years and felt like other people in his field couldn't understand his ideas (not totally wrong).

ATW, I too have had friends off themselves while I was not directly in touch with them. It's super disconcerting, so I feel you on this one.

 

He's got to too. He went from MVP media darling to skrub in like 2 years- constant ridicule from pundits and constantly by the interwebz. Has to have messed with his mental.

I really don't understand the thinking behind the thought of actually doing it. I can probably guarantee everybody has thought of it, be it actually serious or just in passing thought, but to actually carry through, I will never understand.

I feel for all who has and/or has been associated with it. I am one of them- I just take solace in the fact that they were no one really close or dear to me.

 

I've been having work issues unrelated to performance lately, and it started a month ago when a co-worker straight up left us over a weekend. I even had a group video conference with him that friday. He was helpful and we all looked forward to weekend... He was one of those glue people that connected his team with others and it took the org and his family by surprise. I can't even type the rest.

At this point, you're probably wondering the infinite multitudes of why and there is a multiverse upon multiverses of why. Instead of a poorly conceived Marvel movie, it's more a house of mirrors.

I guess some introspection is "healthy" if only because our Culture of Waste distracts thoughts of mortality with a bounty of false aspirations and hedonistic impulses to waste precious or life saving resources at the expense of others.

I don't remember which sci-fi show gave me the notion, but possibilities of immortality is likely capped by our mental filter. Sure, you can live 200 years, but it's likely a good/bad 40 years of drama that you can't let go or forget. We're more wired to reflexively remember bad or negative stuff than good...there's even a thing about saying 4 good things for 1 bad to get something through without hurting another person.

To add upon it, we really aren't wired for the digital space. No one forgets. Everything is recorded even when you're zoning out or giving the brain some recharge time. Everything is dramatic, must-see and for your eyes only.

How many rounds of coffee does that take?

Everything sucks despite it feeling like christmas every half year with a new toy...blah blah blah... what's a monkey to do?

Allow yourself to turn your brain off. No Devices. Let some of those voices sink in. It might suck at first (instant gratification withdrawals), but at least you remember what's going on rather than hearing it in your sleep over and over. Might help with sleep issues if you do it regularly over time. First 15 mins...then 30...then...

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. The world was promised to you. All of us. What exactly was promised? You feel like a bum for doing nothing? A loser for sleeping in or calling in a "personal day"? Are you the type that beats yourself up for crying or looking weak? Maybe you found a spouse that's an enforcer to that same thinking, an agreement to hold each other up to a higher standard on the path towards world domination. Let go of the gas pedal a little. Communicate more. Put those reflexive thoughts into words. Give the unspoken a tangible feel for both of you to recognize. You both might hate it, or you both might reflect and agree that it's a pebble in your shoes.

Quit over optimizing or min-maxing based off whatever pop-science recommendation you read [ironic?]. We consume a lot of crap from our devices. It's become our downtime. It crowds out whatever you're thinking. At what point did our thoughts become so uncomfortable or hedonistically boring that we chose the internet's stream of consciousness over our own?

Learn how to grieve and let go of our past. You might've ****ed up as a child or seen ****ed up things. Our adult brains punish us now for what happened then. You were a kid...but you should've known or done better! Convicts usually get sentenced for crimes once and only once. Punish yourself if you want and then forgive your little self, understand a little more, but ultimately let it all go as a part of you. Learn how to do all of that and do it again and again to the point where you don't judge yourself for past mistakes or trauma.

If you think the world is yours, you still can't change it the way you want it to be. Similar thinking from before, develop a mindset to accept or handle uncertainty. Be active. Be optimistic. But doing that doesn't guarantee the outcomes you want. There's a trope in video games where if you donate money to a poor person, you're expected to get a return of 5-100x from what you put in. Realistically, the reward has always been the act of giving rather than the outcome. Gaming the system isn't the same as gaming your life. You can force others to be in awe of your achievement points. Good luck taking that with you when you bite it.

Community work and giving is still one of the best means for feeling meaningful and happy. I once did political work for an environmental cause. There is a lot of drama at the higher levels of large organizations. Maybe it takes that kind of structure for big changes, but it's draining. If you go to Washington, the atmosphere sucks. However, doing works individually is achievable for everyone, and the fact that there's a lot less pressure and expectation but only the the person in front of you is the virtue. It's not even religious, it's something simpler and more grounding

Men lose friends as they get older. Force yourself to find more friends. Similar to community work or volunteering, find a hobby and just connect face to face. We all know social media is not a replacement for social interactions and post-covid has reinforced our comfort zones to the point of leaning more onto the thing we collectively hate. That no-fap movement spelled out how toxic p*rn can be, and similar empty feelings can fester with digital interactions. It's all related and compounded with urban living. It can be hard, but don't beat yourself up with rejection. We're all the rejector or rejected at one point or another.

A positive word will change your mindset. I'm more pessimistic than optimistic by nature. But the phrasing of words can ultimately shift how your mind processes. It's a little CBT and common sense. Glass half full over glass half empty kind of things. Instead of a swear jar, do a negativity jar. It won't work if you lie or gaslight yourself. Your dreams will probably hold you accountable. Just expand your mindset. A half full glass of water is still the truth.
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Individually these could be click-baity hacks that doesn't replace how a professional handles a seratonin or dompamine crash.

It all adds up, so take it for what its worth and be a little kinder to yourself and to others.

 

Just to add to these ideas @Invisible Fan with more click-bait mumbojumbo...

1. Some form of meditation is essential. Andrew Huberman has some podcasts about it I would recommend. (If you really want to work on yourself, subscribe to him.) Whatever form of meditation you need to make you aware that those voices in your head ain't you.

2. Not only forgive yourself, but forgive those around you, too. Start with those closest to you to the dude who flipped you off in traffic.

3. Some people can't endure thoughts and boredom is wickedly tough for them. This goes back to meditation and building yourself up to be bored and alone and staying in the here and now.

4. Forgive yourself and others. Especially those closest to you tasked to take care and protect you. You touch on forgetting and letting go of your youth. Which is where our traumas come from. Good luck doing that without forgiving those who traumatized you. It will help you realize that your parents couldn't help it and we're traumatized as well by their parents. So you can't, you won't, judge yourself or them either once you accept that.

Also, on the topic of letting go. That is the other option to bottling up. It's really not expressing or emoting or whatever. That and bottling up are both forms of holding on.

5. Is it possible to simultaneously be optimistic and handle disappointment? If the world - and people - is full of uncertainty, why have any expectations of it at all? Handling the world as it comes to you is nice, but to me that's easier without expectations. You see the opportunity in "failure" or "success" that way.

6. If this desire comes out naturally or if the opportunity presents itself naturally, I agree. But I would be careful with seeking and doing anything with any expectation especially not of finding meaning or happiness. Ultimately, you can't rely on any external work to work on you internally. At least not in the long-run.

7. In addition to this, focus on being a friend to yourself and others and you'll never be lonely even when you inevitably find yourself alone. I also realized that another toxic source on the internet is gossip. For me, it's NBA gossip. I'm no better than women looking up the latest Kardashian gossip. The Kevin Porter thread really hit that point home for me.

8. Another mindset I'll put out for consideration is the no-glass or empty glass mindset. In away, that is a positive mindset because it keeps you in a state of neutrality in which you can handle whatever comes at you in a positive way.

Either way, it's good to read advice like this whether people take it or leave it.

 

ATW, so sorry dude. I have never had to deal with this type of situation and cant imagine the shock and all the unanswered questions. Good luck and I hope the family gets through this ok.

 

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your co-worker.

 

I fully get the irony of writing this on an internet message board but it is important to step away from the Internet. To find real tangible connection.

The internet can help and certainly any clutchfans who isolated and alone reach out. At the same time this forum is both very limited and given that there is anonymity and lack of personal connection here there is only so much that can be done. Also the anonymity and impersonality also makes it easy to mock and dismiss which can make someone one going through a rough time feel much worse.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, @AroundTheWorld. If you want to talk, slide into my DMs.

 

Very deep and sage words. I love you.

Here's how I try to live my life. Be nice and kind to everyone. Prioritize my own health and mental well-being, because that's the best way for me to be better, meaning I can be the best for the people I love. Do and learn new things. Be better at the good things I do. Make new friends. Lead and lead by example by being what I want to see in the world. Love everyone. Forgive people. Embrace younger generations and learn from them. Learn from my mistakes, but don't be prideful and beat myself up over them and don't wallow in the past. Be open minded and listen. Embrace change.

 

Sorry to hear that. My deepest sympathies.

We forget easily that raising kid(s) is a job, maintaining a marriage is a job, and then you have to figure out your well being and that is a job as well.

(and the job that keeps you fed)

 

Damn bro my condolences.

 

ATW,

I'm really sorry to hear the loss of your friend. I know that taking one's life is something that seems inconceivable to most of us but the sad reality is that we don't know what is going on in someone else's head. Your friend could have been depressed for a long time and just hid it from everyone. I eluded to this in the past but I have come to the realization that I live with high-functioning depression. I have to be on 30 mg of citalopram every day or I can get really messed up. In April of 2022, I went about 4 days without any sleep and it drove me over the edge. I attempted suicide (luckily I failed) but you can reach a point where you just want to end it all and not have to endure any more pain. I have learned to try to do things that make you happy and help you relax.

I'm a little depressed now because my son (he's 14) is being raised by crazy people and also the whole political climate of the US hasn't helped; however, I just try to focus on the things I can control and try to let go of the stuff I have no control over.