last summer i was backpacking through mexico w/ some amigos and we stayed in zacatecas for a few days (an absolutely beautiful place - my favorite city in mexico). anyway, we got into town late and shacked up at the first hotel we came across. 3 beds for 200 pesos/night (about $20). well, as the old addage goes, you get what you pay for. the room stunk like poo, the matresses were stained and there was latino gangster graffiti on the wall. but the kicker was when i went to the bathroom and there was a foot long hairy turd lying on the floor next to the toilet. that explained the poo smell. to make matters worse, there was no toilet seat. anyway, i got a stick and "herded" the poo towards the shower drain. needless to say, the next night we stayed in a nicer hotel that did not have poo on the floor and had a toilet seat.
Last week I was drinking prune juice, eating Bran flakes, drinking milk of magnesia, taking FiberCon, and flooding myself with water and I couldn't squeeze out even one little worm of fecal matter. Now I'm listening to how you people take dumps in 'chinese squat toilets' (whatever the heck that is), in the bushes, in port o lets, and in the bathtub . I hate you all. May you eat the largest steak on earth and have your bowels plugged for weeks.
Perhaps your inablility to unload is because of the furious amount of stools you have been unloading in the D&D forum over the past two weeks.
I had the questionable bowel, but I started with some fiber...now one big, nice, developed poo a day...nice. Anyways, I would always shoot for department stores or nice restaurants if I had to poo. Saks Fifth Avenue at the Galleria, up in the Men's section...great bathroom. They have the enclosed little rooms with a full door. Just like crapping at home.
The Poop Name List The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far. The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help. The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy. The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it. The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy. The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies. The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a **** in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup. The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores. The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly. Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger. Gas-sy Poopie The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling! Drinker Poopie The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Corn Poopie (Self explanatory) Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poopie That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water. Liquid Poopie The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Poopie The kind that smells so bad your nose burns. Upper Class Poopie The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell. The Suprise Poopie You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie! The Dangling Poopie This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. Fisherman's Bobber Poopie You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line. This and much more at http://www.poopnames.com
I'm the same way, drapg. Prime example...I was at the Stros game a couple of weeks back, and obviously i went to the bathroom because I had to pee. I get in their and of course they have like 20 urinals lined up on the wall there, and i wait a minute or so for one to open up. I get up to it, ready to do my business...and i can't. I stood there for like 15 seconds waiting for something to happen, but no luck. I zipped up and went back to my seat. As far as #2 goes...I've used a gas station once. NEVER a portable.
Once at college, I went to a party with a friend. Well he passed out and for some reason I left him there overnight. The next day he calls me up and is quite frantic. He begins to tell me that when he woke up there was a turd on his face and on his hair. He wasnt sure if someone took a dump on him right there, or if someone took some outta the toilet. That had me laughing for the whole year, and I still laugh about it when I think about it today. He was real upset about it, and was quite ashamed about the whole story. I've never told any of his other friends about it, since I think he could never show his face again. To this day, I call him the "Turd Man." As an inside joke that is.
a squat crapper, found most asian countries is one of these yes the water is the toilet paper... and here is a great website that teaches us how to use a crapper http://www.mariesworldtour.com/entries/03_Mar/squat.jpg it gets real hard when wearing pants, yes they get wet. its a real skill i tell you.
What i find hard about these are that its hard to keep your balance. How does everyone do it? Im not sure if i did it right but i leaned forward on my toes while squating, while that kept my balance at first, that only lasted a minute before i started getting tired. So i stand up, take a break and squat back down. Nasty, but i just take a shower right after.
Also if sometimes you eat the food they sell on the side of the streets, you better get used to visiting this thing like 6 times in 2 hours. Never touched anything that wasnt homemade for the rest of the trip.
I can't believe that I'm contributing to this thread. Anyway, I had to have been 11 or 12 at summer camp. Every year I used to get "camp booty" which is when you basically do not poop for the entire two week stay at camp. The toilets were always infested with Daddy Long Legs, so camp booty was pretty common among the campers. A week into our term, we were playing some kind of Cowboys and Indians game in and around a rock quarry nearby when I had to go something fierce. One of the guys in my cabin suggested I go up on the ridge and do my business and use leaves from the trees as makeshift TP. That seemed like a great idea at the time. I go and do the deed and look around to find that it was not such a great idea after all. All the trees were evergreens and had needles, not leaves. I had to use some of the most jagged rocks I have ever seen. Ripped my ass up.
Pretty disgusting thread...Sadly, I have a contribution. When I was in jr. high, my best friend and I missed the bus home from football practice and my mother was notorious for taking forever to drive into town and pick me up. Well, needless to say, I had to pinch a loaf in a not-even-funny way. I'm talking all business train loaf! Well, it was getting dark, the school was already locked down, and I couldn't take it anymore. There was a brown paper bag tumbling by, so I chased it down, went along side the school into the shadows, and let it rip! I wrapped used the bag some of the bag to wipe and closed the bag and left it where it was. The next morning, the bag was sitting on the picnic benches in front of the school. To this day, the only people that new about that was my friend and I. Now, over 15,000 registered users can know about it. Gives a whole new meaning to the the phrase "Brown bagging it."
Yeah, that's a good call. I've used department stores as well. The king of all bathrooms however belongs to the casinos. Those 'rooms are IMMACULATE. It's really unbelievable. Even the dirty riverboats in Lake Chuck, LA have some pristine facilities. A personal favorite is Mandalay Bay in Vegas. I love that feeling of walking in, having my choice of about 8 stalls (including the spacious handicapper), and having very little foot traffic. One memorable dump I had involved the Isle of Capri Casino. I used a little ingenuity on this one. Many times they will close off the gambling tables on the third deck of the boat if traffic is slow. Well, after a large helping of General Tso, I needed to put a foot to sleep. Being the crafty dumper that I am I went up to the third floor and took a 20-minute foot nap. 20 minutes in a clean bathroom, unfettered by human influence. With my bowels unencumbered by feces, I was primed to resume heavy drinking. What a night. What a dump.
Warning: way too much information in this post Last year I was on some medication that killed my appetite and generally disrupted my digestive system. So I'm driving to work and and the feeling just hits me, and I had to go like right now. However, I was on a stretch of road with no toilets for about 5 miles, the clostest one being where I work. I think I can surely hold it for 5 minutes. Of course I catch every red light on the way and the people in front of me are going 10 mpg under the speed linit. The feeling is getting worse and worse and I just have to go, but somehow I hold it in. I'm finally waiting at the one last stopilight about 200 feet from the entrace from I work it's getting so bad that I clinching as hard as I can, hovering over the seat. I can feel it starting to come, but I just clinch harder. I finall pull into my parking space a mere 25 feet from the bathroom, and all hell breaks loose. As I'm remving the seatbelt, it just starts coming...There was no stopping that tidal wave. It was honestly the most digusting feeling you could imagine. The first wave was mushy, but then it just got runny thanks to the medication, and I soiled myself for what felt like an eternity. It all just came out on it's own. As I sat for a moment to reflect on the situation, I felt great shame and briefly considered suicide. I called my boss with my cellphone and told him ihad thrown up on myself and had to go home to change. if only he knew the truth. I hauled ass home, and let me tell you, that was the longest 30 miles of my life. It felt so incredibly gross and the smell was just terrible, though i was getting used to it. When I got home I imediately jumped in the shower and put the detachable shower head to use. It took forever to clean, too. I immediately quit taking the medication
I did have to unload in the Costa Rican rain forest last month. I'm just thankful I've didn't have any adverse reactions to the unusually large leaves selected for TP. Overall the experience wasn't as bad as some I've had to take using a Flying-J or Shell bathroom.
There I was, in line at 7-11 (back when they still had those in Houston), buying a pack of smokes (when I still smoked cigarettes) and a 2-liter of Jolt. I was counting down the minutes until my ride picked me up so that I could go to Galveston and tap my prey for that night on the beach. I had just finished with a pizza (for some reason, pizza goes through me like nobody's business) and had eaten Jack in the Box for lunch that day. All of a sudden, my stomach rumbled loud enough that the people around me started making jokes about me getting something to eat (this was when I was under 170 lbs, so I was skinny enough that there were some anorexia jokes going). I knew that the rumbling was not a need for food to ingest, it was a signal of a freight train about to exit my bowels. I didn't feel like I was in dire circumstances as there was a bathroom in the store and a good friend lived literally 30 seconds away. I paid for my items and asked the clerk if I could use the restroom. He replied that the restroom was out of order and I then left, beginning to waddle under the pressure, and somehow climbed the fence between the 7-11 and my friend's house. I knocked on his back door and was dismayed to find that nobody was home. In my haste to find an appropriate place, I tripped over a birdbath in the backyard, causing an explosion of pain that forced my sphincter to open up just a bit for a little pre-squirt. While hopping around on one foot and cursing in pain, I began to understand that I was not going to make it out of the back yard before I ... um ... lost a couple of pounds. I removed my pants altogether, dropped my tighty-whities, and unleashed an ungodly half-solid, half-liquid stream of ****. It took a good 2 minutes for the fire hose to abate and the sheen of oil from Jack in the Box was apparant even by moonlight. Now, a bowel movement like that sprays EVERYWHERE, even moreso when the receptacle is a concrete birdbath rather than a water-filled commode. Suffice to say that my tighty-whities were liberally covered in brown, green, and orange glaze once they were placed on the head of the cupid on the birdbath. After that visual, I switched to boxers because I couldn't stand to wear tighty whities again.
