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Loose Balls (book by Jayson Williams) -- read this book, it's hilarious.

Discussion in 'NBA Dish' started by Dr of Dunk, May 2, 2001.

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  1. Dr of Dunk

    Dr of Dunk Clutch Crew

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    I know it's been out for a while, but I bought this book today and I haven't laughed so much reading a book in my life. Some of his quotes are just freakin' hilarious. The book's cover price is only $12.95 folks and it's worth every bit of it and then some. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS THING.

    Forever Young,

    When Manute Bol and I played on the 76ers together, I think he was about fifty-seven. Seriously. I asked him one time how old he was. He said he wasn't sure.

    "Manute", I said, "don't you all have birthday parties in Africa?" He told me naw, what they do is put a little chop in the village tree each time one of the village kids gets a year older. So I said, "How many chops the last time you looked?"

    "I can't remember," he says. "They chopped the tree down, and that was a long time ago."

    Strangest Anatomy,

    I'll tell you what Sabonis has that no one else does. That's a huge head. The human head is supposed to weigh about eight pounds. Well, Sabonis' head weighs about eighty-six pounds. That's the truth. That's a fact. When he leans his head on you, there's nothing you can do.

    He's not a real strong guy, it's just that his head is so big. He's Fred Flintstone squared, you know -- to the third power.

    Smelliest,

    Most fans think the one thing most European players have in common is they're good jump shooters, but don't have much of a street game. I'll tell you what European players really have in common, and it's something all the guys in the league realize.
    You can tell when you have a foreign player on your team when you get into a real closed space with him...

    Chuck [Daly] put me in to guard this European center who was seven foot something. I was pissed off at Chuck, and the game was out of reach, so I figured I'm going to let the big fella score a couple, you know? Let him get some confidence.
    I let him score one, but I get caught up under one of his armpits. It smells like possum nuts! ...
    Well, I had high hair back then, an Afro, and I swear it made my hair stick out sideways. I get caught in his armpit, with this thick funk, and I'm looking like Alfalfa!
    I say, "Damn!" and I gag and run back upcourt. The next time we're on defense, they throw the ball into the big fella in the post and he drop-steps and dunks. And Chuck is screaming at me, saying, "Can't you stop him?" And I'm yelling back, "Hell no! I ain't gonna stop him. Let this sonofabitch get in the shower, then maybe I'll stop him. But for now, he's gonna score thirty in the next two minutes, 'cause I ain't goin' under them armpits again."

    Greatest Patron of the Arts,

    One night after a game in Portland, Chris Morris and I walk into a bar and a guy's playing the piano. Bar music, you know, nothing fancy.
    Chris says to the guy, "Hey, can't you play some Picasso?"
    You know, there aren't a lot of rocket scientists in the NBA.

    Worst Command of the English Language,

    ...I came out of the game, and Yinka, who was on the bench, asked me, "Jay-son" -- he always called me Jay-son, like it was two words -- "what does the 'C' on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?"
    I'm thinking, Damn, Yinka Dare should know what the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stands for--it's for "Captain", anybody knows that. But I didn't say anything. I just looked over at him and thought, Let me figure this brother out.
    So I say, "Yinka, what do you think the 'C' on Christian Laettner's jersey stands for?"
    He looks over at Laettner, who's a white guy, and he looks back at me, and Yinka goes, "Caucasian"?
    We're losing, so I can't be laughing on the bench. I put my head down, got a towel over my face. And then Benoit Benjamin, another NBA genius on the Nets' bench, looks over at me and he says, "Woooo, child. That Yinka Dare sure is silly, isn't he? Everybody knows 'caucasian' starts with a 'k'."

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    Yugo grills, Yugo mills, Check out the oil my Yugo spills...
     
    #1 Dr of Dunk, May 2, 2001
  2. jamma34

    jamma34 Member

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    i just finished readin this book recently, and it is GREAT. definitely recommend getting your hands on it and reading it.

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    president of the sleepy floyd to hall of fame club.

    http://www.it-is-truth.org

    http://members.fortunecity.com/omar369
     
    #2 jamma34, May 2, 2001
  3. RichRocket

    RichRocket Member

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    Wouldn't you love to see Jayson Williams in a Rocket uniform! There's another book by the same title, ironically, authored by Terry Pluto (?) which details the early history of the ABA-- great reading too.

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    Time is a great teacher-- only problem is it kills all its pupils.
    PowerbizOnline.com
     
    #3 RichRocket, May 2, 2001
  4. tinman

    tinman 999999999
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    Yeah, I have the book too! its good and you can get it for $6 at Half-Price Books.

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    #4 tinman, May 2, 2001
  5. Rocket River

    Rocket River Member

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    I wish this was on cassette . . . to hear
    Jayson telling in his own voice. . ..
    then I could laff my *ss off at work

    Rocket River

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    #5 Rocket River, May 2, 2001
  6. Dr of Dunk

    Dr of Dunk Clutch Crew

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    Oh man, the "possum nuts" comment is still cracking me up. I look like a damn fool sitting here laughing. I think I'm going to die laughing.

    I should've brought the book so I'd have something to do here. [​IMG]

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    My company declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy, then agreed to merge with another company, which also declared for Chapter 11 bankruptcy... should I be worried?
     
    #6 Dr of Dunk, May 2, 2001
  7. RunninRaven

    RunninRaven Member
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    #7 RunninRaven, May 2, 2001
  8. Hydra

    Hydra Member

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    I would have loved to be on the team with Williams and Barkley. Those guys must have had the most fun in the history of the NBA. They are also both great rebounders.

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    "Of course, thats just my opinion, I could be wrong" -- Dennis Miller
     
    #8 Hydra, May 2, 2001
  9. RocketsPimp

    RocketsPimp Member

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    Yes, it's a hilarious book!!

    Here's another few snipits...

    Worst Command of the English Language (tie)

    Let me explain about Yinka Dare. Yinka is from Nigeria, and there are some things Yinka just doesn't understand. The Nets were playing Minnesota in 1996 when they had Christian Laettner. I came out of the game and Yinka, who was on the bench, asked me, "Jayson"-he always called me Jay-son, like it was two words-"what does the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?"

    I'm thinking, Damn, Yinka Dare should know what the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stands for-it's for "Captain," anybody knows that. But I didn't say anything. I just looked over at him and thought, Let me figure this brother out.

    So I say, "Yinka, what do you think the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stands for?"

    He looks over at Laettner, who's a white guy, and he looks back at me, and Yinka goes, "Caucasian?"

    We're losing, so I can't be laughing on the bench. I put my head down, got a town over my face. And then Benoit Benjamin, another NBA genius on the Nets' bench, looks over at me and he says, "Woooo, child. That Yinka Dare sure is silly, isn't he? Everybody knows 'caucasian' starts with a 'k'."

    Chalk Talk

    Every NBA team, the coach writes a bunch of stuff on the blackboard before games, going over the plays and stuff...After hearing this stuff all season, you got it memorized and you don't want to hear it anymore. So most players would tune out then. Charles Barkley would take a crap.

    In my early days with the Nets, the only thing that livened up the Nets' chalk talk was every day our assistant coach Clifford Ray used to walk to the training room to work on his knees, and coming back, he'd walk in front of the blackboard, buck naked. Clifford has a body like an alien, real fat up top at seven foot and little skinny legs. Like Fred FLintstone, or even Barney Rubble if he'd been taller.

    Every day Clifford walks by in his birthday suit and a bunch of us kind of look at each other and roll our eyes, but keep our laughter in, because we know our coach, Butch Beard, will get pissed off if we're cracking up before a game. Especially because we hardly ever won. Butch was really cranky then, telling us we played like b****es, which really pissed everyone off. Chris Childs tells PJ Brown and me one day, "If Butch calls us b****es again, there's gonna be trouble."

    After the tenth game Clifford walks by naked, Chris Childs can't help it anymore. He busts out laughing. By the thirtieth home game, Chris is laughing hysterically. And by now the rest of us are giggling too. Everyone's laughing but Armen Gilliam, the son of a preacher man who can't stand anything improper.

    Butch hears all the laughing and he stops his chalk talk and stares at us.

    He says, "You Guys remind me of a bunch of b****es. You guys play like a bunch of b****es, and now you're acting like a bunch of b****es."

    Butch is screaming now. "You guys are all a bunch of b****es" And PJ Brown and I, because we're the team clowns, and we like stirring up trouble, are rolling our eyes at Chris Childs, because he's the one talking all about how he's not ging to stand for any more.... We're nudging him, whispering to him.

    "What you gonna do now, man? He's calling us b****es again."

    "Butch," Chris Childs says, "can I ask you a question?"

    "What?"

    "Why do we got to be a bunch of b****es?"

    "Because that's how you all play. Like b****es."

    "Butch," Chris says, " I'm a man. I want to be referred to as a man."

    "You might look like a man," Butch says, "but you play like a b****. You act like a b****. You a b****."

    Now they're in each other's faces, talking b**** this and b**** that, and motherf----- this and motherf----- that. Spits flying, veins are bulding. Armen Gilliam, the Hammer, he's sitting behind Butch. Ans he gets up because all the cursing bothers him.

    "Excuse me, gentlemen," he says, because he's so proper. But they're ignoring him.

    "Gentlemen, gentlemen! We don't need none of that profanity can't we all just..."

    And Butch, without even looking back just sticks his arm behind him and points his finger in Armen's face.

    "Shut the f--- up, Hammer!" Butch says.

    That was the end of the "b****" fight, because Chris was laughing so hard. To this day, if you want to crack Chris up, on or off the court, all you gotta do is say, "Shut the f--- up, Hammer!"

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    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
     
    #9 RocketsPimp, May 2, 2001
  10. Smokey

    Smokey Member

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    How does Jayson know what "possum nuts" smells like unless he actually has smelled them?

    I think I'm about to puke more than laugh [​IMG]

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    #10 Smokey, May 3, 2001
  11. Rockets R' Us

    Rockets R' Us Contributing Member

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    damn my librarys awesome. They let you check out CD's and latest movies. Anyways, I picked up Shaq's new book, and Jayson Williams book, and Dream's book the other day. Still finishing Shaqs and J-Will's was funny as heck.

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    Note: It was my cowhead. I started the cowhead craze, and my cowhead inspired Mooch to step up and bring us a victory. Thank you for your time. :D
     
    #11 Rockets R' Us, May 4, 2001
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