Interesting, thanks for the post. This reminds me of how do you control those urges? If you date someone who is Catholic (and I have done that in the past), how do you scale back? What I mean is this: If you have been used to doing certain things as the dating relationship progresses (not necessarily sex but other physical type contact), how do you nip that stuff in the bud when you start seeing someone who is like the people in this article or Catholic or extremely old-fashioned?? I would think that if you are religious, you would have to pray to God to give you the patience and strength to overcome those desires (as well as lustful desires which is a toughie for me). But what if you are not really religious? Then what? Obviously, you can just end things but what if you feel that person is something special and is worth seeing? These are mainly questions that I am asking to see what the responses will be. I am a Christian (as most people know here), so I am going to put my trust in the Lord about it if I was in this situation, but would like to see what others would say or do.
How much of this is really about morality and how much is about control? It seems to me the "old-style of courtship" was heavily slanted to establishing an unequal relationship between man and woman and certainly seems to carry more of the 1950's and earlier ideal of women on a pedestal and in so doing diminishes the humanity of women. I guess for some people that is fine, but I would have to go with a more modern relationship. For me, a period of pre-marital cohabitation and frequent pre-marital sex enhanced my love and allowed us to establish a more equal relationship (and put us on a better financial plane--only paying one set of rent and utilities really helped) that has served us well in our married years. As far as sex goes, I don't think you can develop anything close to an equal relationship (as I define it in my head) without pre-marital sex... you're both exposing your inner self, you each have to respect the other person, and you both have the power to terminate the relationship... that's a powerful emotional hammer that if handled well, can make a great relationship even greater. I'm not advocating casual sex or loose morals or shacking up with anyone at anytime... there has to be love and committment.
You'd think marriage, being so sacred and all, wouldn't need something like this. I mean, did they start letting homosexuals marry or something???
Interesting as I never thought of pre-marital sex from that view. I was raised very conservatively thanks to 2 schoolteacher parents (but strangely enough they always vote democratic - hmmm...), so it is hard for me to really relate to what you are saying but I will say that I don't think it is wrong to live together IF you know that person is the one. My sister (who was a Christian but I don't know if she is still one or not) lived with her fiance for a while before they got married. Granted, they were already engaged, but my father had a conniption fit when he found out. He threatened not to come to the wedding but he backed down (he is always doing that - making threats and then backing off of them). It is not my place to question what other people want to do when it comes to those things, but I personally would not do it as I would feel that the relationship is more fulfilling if you hold out and wait until after the wedding.
Conversely, I've recently come to a disturbing conclusion.. I wouldn't date anyone that I've dated or will date.. Hell, I may be giving up the whole dating thing, but it's just too damn tempting. Never bothers you guys that your girl was dating someone else before? Doesn't it make you insanely jealous?
rimrocker could be taking the words right out of my mouth. (although, when I was single, I practiced casual sex, loose morals and shacking up. and I don't have a problem with it. I'm sure I will feel conflicted about that when my kids are older) My wife and I lived together for 4 years before we got married. You could say that our relationship was based on love, equality and shared interests. Did it work? Last February we celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary... pretty unusual in this day and age. This summer we will have been together for 30 years. We have two kids, a boy and a girl, who are absolutely fantastic. Both of us are asked frequently how we've brought up such well behaved and intelligent children. And this is the offspring of a pair of hippies who fell in love... liberal and Democratic. Go figure. I have known several acquaintances and relatives over the years who were very religious... some Catholic, some "born again" Christians, who ended up getting divorced. Frankly, I don't think there is a "cause and effect" relationship between being religious and having a successful, long-term relationship... whether you're married or not. Character and the depth of your love for each other is what will determine success, in my opinion. That and being willing to put up with the quirks and occasional goofy things we each do. Oh, and we make each other laugh. For anyone who cares, my wife was raised a Catholic and went to Catholic schools until she started high school. My parents, especially my mother, were Methodists. It just didn't "take" with me. You could say I'm neutral about the whole thing.
