What do you do when you've never been in a healthy relationship, and the one you're in causes anxiety because you've never been in one? Also, how do I consistently develop relationships outside of my romantic one? I get anxiety too because I can be too dependent on her (and others for that matter) for my happiness, since I don't always love myself that much. Any thoughts?
I have anxiety. It can be as big as you want it to be, if it's bothering you then you're letting it. Deep breaths, slow your thinking, people love you. Dependency is not healthy. Do things on your own more, find hobbies. You need me time.
Ahhh im sure everyone has had these thoughts or feels at some point....some cant help but get too excited at others bringing then joy. A guy i know once said to try and not get overly happy or too bummed out, keep a steady medium but its not easy to do especially when anxiety is running high.
Depending on others is a big mistake. You're relying on external variables. That's like letting the weather determine your mood. I'd recommend hitting the gym, getting your health in tip top shape.
Increase your value (elevate your education, knowledge, trust, sense of humor, style, aesthetics, money, power, success) and you will be dependent on no one. They will be dependent on you.
So true. Therapy is the best self-love you can give yourself. Especially if you've felt hopeless with anxiety/depression. I've gone through bouts of insane self loathing. Therapy has taught me a lot about myself and why I developed certain coping mechanisms. Growing up in an emotionally invalidating environment creates a lot of problems in adulthood. Feeling repressed emotions and processing them is the first step to recovery. Getting your mental health in order is more important than any relationship. Deep breathing/meditation is my key to managing anxiety.
The biggest issue with me too. Self love. How do i overcome this overwhelming sense of worthlessness when i watch p*rn and i know i could never satisfy a woman without that magnum dong so i make up for it by buying monster condoms to show off.
Therapy is a good option, T-Perro. Are you someone who turns anger outward or inward? Do you feel guilt or apathy for your actions? Like another member said, dependency isn't healthy. Habits like working out, sleeping and eating right seem small time, but those are rewards for a body that might not receive much love from you. Good habits and rituals help reduce the stressors in your life and allow you to weather storms in your mind or in reality. The other things like working your place with others and in groups, it's okay to ask for help. I think it's natural process to learn about it and outright state to the other person how things can overwhelm you but you'd like to try to enjoy the situation with their help. At the end of the day, you're both around because you both want to be, not because you're pretending to be someone you're not or are obligated in any other way. As long as you're not abusive or dangerous to yourself or others, just roll with it and accept mistakes.
Homey, I'd just start thinking about the last time that you felt like you had a healthy ego. Then do things to remind yourself that you're still that person. No one else can give you the dignity that you deserve. Dig up your positive past. You might find out that you're not actually a has-been, you just got things mixed up for a period time. After that, self love the **** out of yourself. Twice. Jontro yourself real good. Wish you the best, anxiety sucks.
Increase your self confidence and pick up hobbies so you seem less boring, have more to talk about with other people, meet other people, and it could also be something you could get your GF to do as well. Go to the gym, work out, read self help or transformative books, do yoga or self mediate; all of these things can help with your self confidence. Try to believe in yourself more, have positive thoughts, smile more, accept uncertainty, and be willing to forgive yourself.
I joked in my initial post, but i know how you feel bruv. I had been pretty fit my whole life up until my mid 20's when i just stopped caring about everything. I stopped working out and started drinking heavily and eating poorly. That first year i was going out about 4-5 times a week and eating at late night Mexican restaurants after each night which resulted in a 30 lb gain that year and ended in a DWI in which i nearly got myself killed and i wouldn't been have conscious to know it(i was blacked out the entire time). From there, it only got worse. I just gave up. It all started with losing the woman i wanted to marry and something else in which i felt i lost purpose. I also felt trapped in my life. I felt like a prisoner due to something i'd rather not mention. Let's just say i have a horrible time dealing with something that can go 2 ways. A path of a lifetime of guilt or a path of watching my life go by in order to fulfill family duty. I'm still dealing with the choice. In total i gained 70 lbs over the past 7 years with majority of that weight having been put on those first 3 years and fluctuating 15lbs the past 4 years. I had a gallbladder issue late 2015 in which i went through like 13 straight hours of some of the worst pain i've ever experienced. I was stuck in bed all those hours awake and in agony and i didn't go to the emergency room. Just let it pass. It happened twice in 2 weeks. I realize now how idiotic i was for not going to the emergency room. Luckily it went by. It gave me enough of a scare that i stopped drinking and eating junk for like a month and lost over 10lbs and maintained that for a while , but then i reverted back to my old ways when Game Of Thrones Season 6 started and i started drinking like 3 times a week again...2 very light drinking days but then a very heavy drinking night Sunday nights while watching GOT and going out after. By the finale, i weighed myself and realized i had jumped back to the heaviest i had ever been when i was going through those gallstones issues. Not only did that scare me again, because no way did i want to experience that pain again, but i couldn't stand the anxiety i had when i went out in public. I felt like all eyes were on me and disgusted at me or like they had sympathy for me. I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to sound full of myself, but i honestly think and feel like i was a damn good looking guy most of my life, so having experienced life being good looking and also experienced life being obese, it's an incredible difference in regard to how people treat you. The one good thing that came out of being fat, is that i forced myself to be jolly because a chubby or obese guy that is sad or depressed looking all the time is even worse off, but jolly and cheerful fat people are always likable. You learn to stop taking yourself so seriously. I made that change even though i was crying on the inside, but it's carried over to today. Today, I'm down now over 30+ lbs over the past 3 months. Initially, that first month was just minimal drinking nights, once a week(3 beers only just to socialize). I started eating healthier and low carb. Cut out bread and flour. Drinking lots and lots of water. I don't drink juice or cokes at all but i didn't really do that when i was really fat(just beer and water for me). I didn't work out though. I walked on the treadmill here and there. After i saw that i lost 10lbs that first month by just doing those things, i got really motivated and i started doing Power 90 6 days a week + walking more every day. Low impact workouts to avoid injury from years and years of my body being extremely sedentary and overweight. I've done that the past 2 months and i feel a HUGE difference. I still have some slight anxiety and and still feel a little self conscious because i know i can look and feel so much better with another 30lbs to lose but it's more of a feeling i get when im out drinking. A feeling of guilt like "dude what are you doing out here? Stay home and quit hurting the progress by drinking which gives you a hangover the next day and a desire to eat bad foods and too lazy to do your workout." I decided just like that first month, if i've lost 30 lbs only doing very light work outs and still drinking 1 or 2 times a week, i'm going to cut out alcohol completely for the rest of the year and really amp up my work outs and go very strict on my low carb diet. I expect to be the weight i was when i felt my very best by late January of 2017 just in time for a new year and outlook on my life. Trust me bruv. I'm a super lazy dude. These people who say work out and eat right to get your body and mind healthy are not joking. It's really working for me and i know it will work for you. Be patient. Don't take short cuts. Eat plenty, but healthy. Work out every day at least 45 min to an hour. You'll be alright in no time. For YEARS i sat there drinking beers telling everyone i was going to get fit again while they made fun of me and body shamed me, but it never happened and they knew it when they'd laugh at me saying i was going to do it. I look back now and think how pathetic that was. STOP TALKING AND FORGET ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. PROVE IT TO YOURSELF ONLY. 3-4 months is NOTHING. That's all you really need to make a HUGE body transformation and the mental parts will come along with it. Even if you're not fat, and just skinny, work out to gain muscle. If you already are pretty fit and still feel horrible about yourself, try and turn to things that keep you busy like a hobby. For me it's drawing. Most important thing though is to remain realistic. Find a middle ground between feeling complete euphoria or depression/high anxiety. I remind myself every day i have a TON of work to put into my life other than just getting fit and it's going to take patience and i know it's going to take life changes and not temporary changes. Once you find your true self and love your self, the love from another will come when you won't even be thinking about it anymore. Let the anger go. Let the guilt go. Let the regret go. Let the past go. Remember. Be patient. Be disciplined. Remain realistic. Keep busy. GOOD LUCK! (oh, and try and avoid sad/lonely love songs for a while. Happy upbeat music and motivating workout music only!)
Thanks for the helpful reply . I'm in therapy too and use it as part of my "tool chest" so to speak. I see a therapist every 2 weeks and I'm also in Al-Anon for 12 step recovery, helps w/ anxiety and depression. I'm definitely not used to being in a healthier relationship and it's a little scary at times. I'll try some deep breathing!
Mostly inward. Really appreciate all you wrote man. Thanks a ton for the encouragement. I've been losing weight too, but I still carry some of the old baggage and self-esteem issues for sure.
You need things of your own. If you only have her then you will be completely dependent on her for emotional support and happiness. You don't want that, diversify the things in your life that make it better. Take some initiative on things in your life outside of her. It can be friends, exercise, clubs, volunteering or hobbies. I was a little too dependent on the girls I dated, I know what its like. It is easy to forget about other things when she is amazing and comes over and makes your day. Over time (if she isn't co-dependent) she will lose respect for you because she is literally your everything. Women don't want that and you don't want that. They want someone that is of high-value to others, whose time and attention are valuable because it makes them feel special. Be exciting and interesting and limited. If you aren't exercising then start like right now. Cut down on drinking and meal prep healthy foods. Get some hobbies that get you out of the house. Boost your social life (without her) by hanging out with friends and making new friends. Join a sports league. Sign up to walk dogs at BARC. I just got out of a breakup this week (2nd this year) and I have already signed up for 10 hours of volunteering, I am meal prepping, hanging out with friends I haven't seen in a while and enjoying myself. I should have been doing this the entire time I was with these girls because it makes me feel better about myself. Your self love will come through doing things that make you happy. I would also recommend getting a therapist. I am going for the first time in my life later this month and I am really excited. I know I have all sorts of issues I need to work through. Just keep getting better every day. It really is amazing what exercise can do for your mindset.
Not that its super helpful, because everyone's anxiety and depression is there own, and is certainly real.... But there's people out there, lots, who are in true chronic pain on a daily basis or suffer from some other serious misgivings, for various reasons. Homeless, war veterans, etc. Again, I don't think its fair to just say since there are people in way worse shape then me I'm not allowed to be anxious and depressed. And I'm definitely not saying that. But maybe it provides some perspective. You can get through this.
