My 4 year old was punched in the head by an autistic 13 year old - a discussion...

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Look at those two sentences. My read is that your guilt/resentment is fueling a feeling that you have a call-to-duty to act in that situation in some greater "societal responsibility".

I get the sense you are looking for absolution from guilt. We can't do that for you. We can just say it's only human to react by getting upset. Hell, maybe had you smacked the autistic kid back it would have been the best thing for him, overall...so that immediate repercussions are embedded into his mind.

Point is: asking yourself why you feel guilty and resolving that is more important than discussions about what you could have done more for "societal responsibility"...as the latter is often a shield we put up in face of the former.

And remember, you are insisting the "apology matters." The mother profusely apologized to your wife to the point of crying after you left.

 

Get over it honestly. I mean that in the most sincere way. Youre just digging resentment towards the kid and more so his family the more you harp on it. Your kids fine and you got to say some of what you wanted to say. Its hard to care for an autistic child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, I could understand both sides of this but I dont think you did anything wrong.

What you really should have done was invited/challenged him along with his grandma with the sharp mouth to a Kumite. That wouldve been gold. Instead of leaving the situation thinking about 'what you did or could have done better', you wouldve done the greatest thing and wouldve started training for the Kumite already.

 

So are you going to avoid lines with kids who are obviously autistic now? Or teach your son to fight back? I'm not trying to be controversial...just curious as to how you move forward from this experience. I'm also curious as to how the mom moves forward and if she tries to talk to her son about this, or if it's just been too difficult and they sort of just have to accept the violent outbursts.

 

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You feel guilty because you didn't do something more for us/society?

This isn't about us/society. Trust me: We don't think you can save us from that kid. We are not asking you to. Nor do we want you to feel compelled to intervene on our behalf. But we accept that you got to do what you got to do.

Now tell us what the real source of your guilt and resentment are. For discussion, it's a good exercise. I'm not buying the savior complex thingy.

 

Stop bringing up the dog example, not even remotely similar. You can get rid of an aggressive dog that bites or keep him completely away from other people and dogs. You cannot to that with an autistic child unless you institutionalize them or do what we did in the past and kill them.

You are conflicted because your instinct as a father is to protect your wife and children. However you also know it is no use getting mad at someone that has no self control and not a definitive amount of awareness.

Keep in mind with the situation you have women attempting to control a growing male with apparently unpredictable behaviors.

For what it is worth I would most likely feel as you do. Someone with a mental illness attacked my younger brother when he was 11-12 years old and I was present. I went overboard and will never forgive myself for what I did to that man. You did the right thing.

 

The whole spectrum or just non-verbals?

 

OP,

I don't think you did anything wrong. However, if I were in your shoes and managed to keep my cool, I might have said something like this to the Mom of the autistic kid:

"Ma'am, I understand that you don't want to keep your child cooped up, but if you can't keep him from hurting someone, there may come a day when he hurts someone who won't care that he's autistic and will freak out on your son. Do you really want to put him at that kind of risk."

I actually said something to same effect to someone I knew whose otherwise friendly dog had a bad habit of running up to strangers and jumping on them. The owner didn't think it was a big deal (the dog really was a people lover and totally harmless), but once I brought up the possibility of someone freaking out and hurting the dog, they got it and controlled their dog better from that point forward.

Autistic kids aren't dogs, obviously, but I think the same logic applies.

 

100? try 20.

A good acquaintance had to institutionalize her 15yo son recently when he became too big and potentially violent for her to control. These are the decisions this family will be facing soon as their kid gets bigger. Just impossible for me to comprehend.

Be glad your son is OK JZ. This is not the 'fault' of the kid, or the parents. But it's something they may have to wrestle with soon.

 

JayZ750,

Hey, we're just talking. You brought up "societal responsibility". I'm part of society so spoke in plural "we" "us". I could have just said "society". My statement still stands that your guilt stemming from lack of action on behalf of society sounds off to me. Tell us why you really feel guilty. I'm not buying that.

What do you think of this. This wasn't your day to act. You were holding the infant. Sounds like you had to leave the scene as your role in the moment and your wife was left to talk more with the other mother.

If more action was needed, sounds like that was more the call of your wife / mother in law and not you in that moment. Why can't you just go with how they handled it versus what sounds like an urge to control the situation in a belief that your intervention was required to change the mother for the good of all mankind.

Maybe it would. Maybe she already knows and was exhausted or somewhat paralyzed in giving you the immediate apology that supposedly would have proven you don't need to intervene more. Plus the grandma sounds like she intervened possibly against the mother's preference further complicating her interaction with you. But she cried in apology later. Doesn't really matter that she didn't do it to you personally

There is nothing to feel guilty about

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsYRQkmVifg

 

No it is remotely similar... one is a human being and a child.... the other is a dog..... not an appropriate comparison or even remotely similar considering the dynamics around the situation and the complexity of humans and their interactions with each other.

You cannot realistically watch a 13 year old every single second of every day and anticipate/predict them. I am not sure what you want? Do you not want them to bring him in public? If that is your position, I can understand that... however the idea that people will be hyper vigilant with an unpredictable 13 year old with autism is honestly not realistic. The caregivers get tired physically and mentally and emotionally... because they are human.

Dogs on the other hand are predictable if you know their body language and do not require socialization with humans to the degree that a human being does. Also, a dog would only be brought out in controlled situations, and not in stores, etc.

You are either being callous or not thinking out your position well enough... and this is coming from someone that has used the term "r****d" and other offensive terms to some, a number of times. I am not saying not to be mad or upset your child was hit, but the reality is that from the position of the caretaker of the autistic boy, there is only so much they can do unless they are going to institutionalize him... also for as big a jerk as I can be, I have incredible empathy for someone that raises a violent child with autism, they lose an incredible part of their own life to essentially serve someone that they love.