Yao Brushback Article

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Yao Ming Kills Man To Prove Toughness To Jeff Van Gundy

HOUSTON--Houston Rockets center Yao Ming, seeking to dispel the notion that he lacks “killer instinct,” stabbed a man to death in the parking lot of a gas station on the outskirts on the city last night. Yao, who is being held on $2.5 million bond at the Harris Country jail facility, is expected to miss the rest of the season and the playoffs.

Upon hearing the news, coach Jeff Van Gundy said he was impressed with Yao’s newfound mean streak.

“He killed somebody, huh? Not bad,” said Van Gundy, who has criticized Yao in the past for being too soft. “I mean it’s wrong to kill a man, but on the other hand, you have to admire the fact that he’s developing a mean streak. Bill Russell had one. Wilt Chamberlain had one. Shaq has one. And now Yao has one. How many times did he stab the guy, anyway? 72? Wow. That’s going overboard. That’s gilding the lily, so to speak. I would have been happy with a flagrant foul, or at the very most, a non-lethal bludgeoning.”

Van Gundy is now faced with the prospect of entering the playoffs without his all-star center.

“We’re in a tough spot now with Yao in jail,” said Van Gundy. “I can’t help but feeling party responsible for it. I told him time and time again that he was just too nice out there. I wanted him to get angry. I wanted him to be a little selfish. I wanted him to throw some elbows around. I called him a ‘p***y’ about a hundred times a day. And you know what’s even worse? I’ve been using the same approach with Bonzi Wells. Oops. Is it possible to raise the terror threat level for just for one guy?”

According to the police report, Yao was sitting in his SUV in the parking lot of a Texaco station at around 2:30 AM when 42-year-old Michael Langford pulled up alongside him and went inside. When Langford came back out, Yao emerged from around a corner, grabbed him and dragged him behind the building where he proceeded to stab him repeatedly with a hunting knife. The entire incident was captured on security camera footage.

“We’ve got it all on tape,” said police detective Kenneth Wolf. “Yao just dropped the guy to the ground and started stabbing him. It was really frightening. The guy was screaming his head off but Yao didn't care. When he was done, he stood up and looked right at the camera. He looked very calm and subdued. Bored, almost. Not a trace of swagger. I’m starting to see why he hasn’t won a championship yet.”

While being questioned by police, Yao admitted the murder was an attempt to appease his coach.

“Yao just seemed frustrated,” said Wolf. “He said he tried everything to prove his toughness to Coach Van Gundy and nothing worked. When he got to the station, the first person he called was Van Gundy. He was all excited. He told him the news. Van Gundy was like ‘the ****?’ That’s when Yao realized he did something very wrong. That’s when it hit him that he crossed a line by stabbing that man 72 times.”

This morning, Van Gundy addressed his team about the incident, and encouraged them to “play with a chip on their shoulder” the rest of the way in order to make up for the absence of Yao.

“The team really has to step up now in his absence,” said Van Gundy. “It's do or die. I need to see a mean streak. I need some anger. Not real anger, of course, but basketball anger. See, that’s where Yao went wrong. I didn’t want him to kill anybody. I just wanted to see him scowl a bit and punch his chest and throw a few elbows. That means you’ve got a killer instinct. If you just go out there and politely score 28 points every night, it means you’re a giant p***y.”

Van Gundy added: “Believe me, if we can get our **** together and win the championship this year, we are going to look back on this day and laugh our asses off.”