A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
that one was older than English Soccer chants, Dada... step aside... A drunkard comes home late and knocks on the door. The wife refuses to open the door. The phone rings inside. The wife answers: "Hello?..." "Is Mister Smith there?" "No, he's not here." "Well, how could he be there, if you won't open the door for him, you witch?"
Dr. Ben Dover I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!!!!
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****ing sheet rock..."
What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the War in Iraq? George W. Bush had a plan for getting out of the Vietnam War!
A man walks into a doctors office and tells his doctor, " Doc, I think my girlfriend has TB or VD. What do I do?" The doctors says " Chase her around the room, if she coughs......F*** her!"
A British company is developing computer chips that stores music in women's breast implants. This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A man walks up to a woman and asks "would you sleep with me for a billion dollars?" The woman ponders this, and says "sure, why not?" The man then says "would you f*** me for 5 dollars?" The woman replies "F*** you! Who do you think I am? Some kind of w****?" The man replies "we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating your fee."
why do women have boobs? so ya got something to look at while you're talking to em! HAHAHAHAhAh!!!!!!!!!@#4567uiu
Scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men: -gained weight -talked excessively without making sense -became overly emotional -couldn't drive -failed to think rationally -argued over nothing -and refused to apologise when wrong No further testing is planned
Actually, that conversation really occurred, and Winston Churchill (who apparantly had a pretty sharp toungue when you got some brandy in him) was the culprit. He also laid out these zingers: Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it. Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk. Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober.
