Damn I love this guy... Quotes by Steven Wright: “The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.” “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” “If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?” “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” “Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.” “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.” “Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.” “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.” “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.” “Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.” "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving." “Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.” "You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" "If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” “There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” “Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.” “Black holes are where God divided by zero.” "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
You are too kind. Steven Wright is one of my inspirations and a guy that I consider to be one of the best EVER.
“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?” Just the nerd in me, but wouldn't that mean you're headed a quarter to death? So as as long as you get scared half to death every time, you'll never be scared totally to death....
He may have been one of AB's inspirations, but AB certainly has a style that is unique. Just about every time I see a comic, I pick up on things they incorporate from some on else's act (steal). AB, that is something that is rare among comics. Wright-isms: "I have a life size globe but no where to put it." "I bought powdered water."
If you get scared half to death twice - I suppose it's like the concept of radioactive half-lives. After the first time, you're scared half to death. So half of your original self is remaining. The second time, when what's left of you gets scared half to death, half of <i>that</i> is remaining. Which, of course, is 1/4 of your original self. That means that you have been scared 3/4 to death. As you can tell, it's hard to scare anybody <i>completely</i> to death that way. Though you might could scare them 7/8 to death, 15/16 to death... (I can probably out-nerd anybody on this bbs. This is not a bet or a challenge, however. )
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I got a tattoo of myself....it's actual size. I know some ants that robbed a chinese food restuarant...They disguised themselves as rice.... They were framed.
I woke up this morning and everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I asked my roommate "Did you notice everything in our house has been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate?" He said "Do I know you?"
"My girlfriend got poison ivy on her brain once. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper." By the way, the earlier line posted by the thread starter, "Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them." Did he rip that off of Full Metal Jacket, or did Kubrick rip it off of Wright?
