That is easily the most difficult thing and I certainly feel your pain on that one. Your lives become so intertwined that it is hard to separate them. You just always expect that person to be there and it is difficult to imagine anything else. We did make the right decision for us. It wasn't an easy decision in the slightest, but it was the right one. I don't think a decision like that can EVER be easy. I just hope to be able to learn from my mistakes and do better the next time around.
I am really surprised that Jeff has said as much as he has about this. And from talking to him on the phone and meeting him in person, I know that he is the type of person who would never get nasty or rude with people asking questions. But that doesn't mean people should take advantage of that part of his personality. If he feels comfortable to say more, he will. Jeff - I know that you are handling things well (or appear to be), but if you need someone to talk to, even in venting, you can always drop me an email. Oh and you said earlier that we, the BBS, rule, well, right back at ya my friend.
What, so you can get all the info for yourself? Sorry if I asked too many questions. I guess many people feel that they "know" Jeff, but that's no excuse. My main line of interest came from the fact that Jeff said they fell in love at 22 and went on to describe how he made decisions in his youth, etc... thinking that I might be in a position that he was in then, I thought maybe I could get some advice in how to deal with relationships. I love my girlfriend dearly, but obviously I want to be able to think things through properly... or as much as one can in the early years of love. I don't want to be in a situation where we find out that we are different, and so figured Jeff could advise from experience. I'm sorry if this seemed to be asking way too many questions. I really did not want to make that impression at all. I hope you guys sort things out, and that the whole living together things goes well. I imagine that might become tricky! I wonder how many marriages still burn with the passion and desire from the early years... I wonder if this is possible? Think I asked this once before in this BBS, just thinking about it again. I'm wondering whether in ten years I'll be married but not passionate, satisfied but not overwhelmed by love (as I am now). I guess I have always been quite a romantic and hope that true love does exist.
Who understands romance anyway... you know, they say that you need three things for a good relationship: the physical aspect (attracted to each other/ compatible in those terms), the romantic aspect, and the friendship. They're like points in a triangle. You should be in the middle of the triangle, between all three, and not on one of the lines. Which is the problem with ours. We seem (to me) to have the physical and the friendship, but not the romance. To tell the truth, we never did... it's always been like that. I tried to do the romance thing early on but he never got into it. If I ask, he just claims that he feels romantic, that he's completely satisfied with the relationship, etc. But actions speak louder than words. You can realize that you just settled for something with someone who's a good friend... and became a bed buddy. It may work, but it's not special. That's what you get for hanging out on basketball bbs's, actually laughing at that thread about great feelings while taking a dump, etc. Sure you can hang with the guys, sure you have the physical aspects of being female, but that doesn't make you a romance object. Probably the other way around. However, I do think true love can be found and last... I see plenty of people who manage. Just make sure you make the right choice - pick someone who appreciates you and doesn't think only of themselves. And don't dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.
Does he know that you feel the way that you do? Or does he think things are fine in general?... I guess maybe the two pieces brought you this far but you need the third to keep going? This if in fact you are not satisfied? I guess if you have a good friendship you might be able to talk about it a bit more, make him realise it's more important than he might think? Anyway, what do I know? I've only been going out with someone for 15 months, I'm the one who is seeking the advice. I'll shut up now.
He usually just reads it if I leave the window open on his computer. Which I just won't do right now. This is buried deep in a long thread anyway. Finally, he knows I feel this way and has known for a long time. He shouldn't be surprised. He tries to do better, but it's not enough. I don't know if he just hasn't met the right person (though he insists the relationship is right for him) or if he just isn't capable of feeling romance. I don't particularly care whether he sees this or not. It's nothing new.
Isabel, Not that you asked for any advice or would welcome mine unsolicited, or that it's really any good advice at all anyway, but I'll throw it out there, and won't be offended if you totally disregard it. I just hope you won't think I'm trying to butt in or anything, and get offended yourself. Does your spouse read a lot? I know that many years ago I had a lot of romantic feelings but never saw the need to express them, or new how to express them, or that it was even worthwhile to express them. I then read a lot of Dumas, some Tolstoy, Euripides, Shakespeare, and it kind opened me up in that way. Sometimes seeing things in the different context of really good literature can be an inspiration. It probably won't do any good, but maybe it is worth a shot.
Isabel: Thanks for being honest. I definitely hear where you are coming from and understand the frustrations that can be there if something is missing. I would say that, for guys who may not understand "romance" in the context you are talking about, that aspect is about connection. It goes beyond physical attraction and friendship and is probably, of the three, the trickiest to achieve balance. Part of it is hwo you view yourself in relation to your partner and part is how you view the world. Those are all tricky things to balance. Hang in there and if you need to know what NOT to do from a male perspective, drop me an email and I'll give you the complicated version. Manny: Thanks for having my back, bud. You should send me an email sometime and we can chit chat. jbalke@tworoadsmedia.com
Will do but it will be later on this week when I have a little more time in the evening than I have had of late.
Wow, this thread has really been tough for me to read. My wife and I are currently seperated and are most likely headed for divorce. We have been for about two months now. Long story short, I found out things once I got back to Houston about her that I simply could not live with. I left and two weeks later she took everything I own and my kids to Chicago. I had left her in the house with our money, all our things, and all our bills paid. I trusted she wouldnt screw me and I told her I would always take care of her regardless. I still will even after what she has done, just because she is the mother of my kids. I never imagined things would be this ugly. She wont even let me talk to my kids because I filed papers against her. I'm now in the process of fighting to get my kids back via the courts and we have our first hearing on Thursday. I guess actually posting that on here would mean that its real. I know that sounds stupid but I feel a sense of family and community on this board even though I dont personally know many on here. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I miss my kids ridiculously. Having to rebuild your life from nothing is something I dont wish on anyone. Even though I shouldnt be with her I still miss her. I feel like someone close to me has died and I'm far from being done mourning. Isabel, I know exactly what you are talking about. Trust me I really do. That same thing is what lead to the downfall of my marriage. Jeff, I'm sorry for you and Mrs. JB. I've always pegged you two to be very quality people and I wish you both the best.
That's real rough MB, I know we all may be a crazy bunch of immature punks and middle aged guys who don't want to grow up, but I'll be damned if we don't look out for our own. Here's hoping the worst is behind you and things will start getting better.
A-FREAKIN-MEN! It's like a little brother. I may be allowed to pick on him all I want, but if some stranger does it, IT IS ON! Really sorry to hear that MB. That really, REALLY sucks. My folks went through a prolonged, nasty divorce when I was in my early 20's. I've only recently been finding out all the details and it sounded bad from day one. Fortunately, I was an adult. Best wishes to you. I hope it all works out. Sounds like some of us need a Rockets night out!
That has really got to be rough. I really hope things work out for you. It has to be total hell being seperated from your kids in addition to the messiness of a seperation and divorce. I wish you the best of luck.
