serious question [life support]

Ddue, I really feel for you. While I wasn't alone in the decision, my mom and siblings and myself had to make that decision after my father had a major heart attack. Once the decision was made, and the breathing machine was turned off, it took six minutes for him to pass.

Let me tell you, that was (and always will be) the most gut-wrenching and agonizing six minutes of my life.

 

I really don't have any advice I can offer you, but wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

 

My dad was on a ventilator form Aug. 8- 1997 to Sept. 6 1997. He had really bad lungs and got so bad he died with life support. A nurse I got close to during this time explained about probabilities for someone with lung problems. I will be thankful forever for her there. I was alone in the decision-though I was spared by my father's passing- I am grateful to him for that. She explained about quality of life if he could be stabilized- which wouldnot be viable. She talked about level of life support- decisions to make if there was a medical crisis. Most importantly - what would my dad want to do?

I wished I could have told my dad goodbye- him laying there in a sedative coma. The nurse explained I could tell him goodbye- he would hear me and know. More important I would know.

Remember - whatever you decide -you are there and trying - nothing is more important than being there.

I pray for you and your Dad. You are a good child for being there and your Dad is blessed.

 

I can't say that I have. My grandmother had broken a hip from which she never recovered and after a while had to go on dialysis. After a couple of months of that, she decided it wasn't worth doing and stopped. She went into a coma in about a week and died a couple of days later. If it had been up to me, she would have stayed on the dialysis, but she made her own choice based on her quality of life. But life support is a thing again from that. I don't know if there is anything to learn from that at all. Good luck with your decision.

 

Like another poster stated, I don't have experience with this, but you and yours will be in my prayers.

 

This sounds really stupid but I had to do it with our dog. Again I am sorry f this offends you.

My parents had to go on a trip to India becuase of an ill family member. I think a day or two before they left I think my dog had a stroke and his bag legs just stopped working completely out of no where. My sister didn't' want to do it but I felt it had to be done. I could not imagine my dog would have enjoyed going to the bathroom on himself every few hours. It was the saddest decision of my life. I remember I cried like a girl after I dropped him off at the vet. I was 20 years old and it was the first time I had cried in many years.

Again I apologize if my situation with my dog offends you. I know it doesnt compare to your family member's in anyway. But what I learned from it was you have to look at it from their perspective. What is their quality of life going to be if you preserve them in a state they would never want to be in.

 

That's just an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I wish I could offer more than that. Good luck.

 

I was in that position with my Father. He had terminal cancer and was slipping further away. We turned off life support when all it was doing was keeping him alive -- but there was no hope of recovery.

This is why we all need living wills -- make your wishes known so someone else doesn't have to make that call.

 

4 years ago my uncle was in critical condition with jaundice and he was diabetic. the site of him breathing in and out and his eyes opening and closing....i just couldn't take it. i was his closest relative and they put the burden on me to make the decision. i went ahead with it. as they took the ventilator off and i could tell his breathing beginning to slow down. it was the hardest thing to do in my life, but i don't regret it. i know he knew i did what i thought was right.

 

Yes. Regardless of the decision, you will make the best one possible at the time. Don't let regrets eat away at you after the fact. Stay strong.

 

My best advice is that it's all about what your father wants to do.


Thoughts and wishes, though.

 

Tough.

My grandfather made sure he had a DNR on his paperwork long before he hit his final days. It still didn't make it hurt any less. I trust that you'll make the right decision for your father and yourself.

Good thoughts your direction.

 

I wish I had some help for you but it looks like other members of the BBS are coming through for you. I hope they can provide some kind of help in this agonizing situation.

 

my wife and I are both physicians and i've got two ways for you to look at this:


my wife is a geriatrician and so much of what her specialty is about is helping patients be comfortable and pass with dignity when medical care is futile... she hates when she sees other physicians who "care" go through all the medical motions but not spend time talking about is it worth it to the patient... in other words just because medicine "can" doesn't mean we always "should" and think what would your father want....




but one other thing to consider. i'm a pediatrician and had a patient who was very severely affected by birth problems... he was blind, likely mostly deaf, had very little viable brain function... he constantly was battling pneumonia's and had to be on ventilators multiple times in the first year of life...

his parents always asked us "to do everything" even though we knew that we were keeping the body alive but there really was no hope of ever this baby even recognizing his parents, knowing his surroundings, etc...

finally after about 15months they finally realized that he needed to die comfortably rather than asking us to intervene full-bore each time (in medspeak we felt like we were "flogging" the patient)... so we finally got hospice involved and he passed in peace....

but why did we continue to re-intubate this patient... in part because even though we(physicians) were at peace with DNR (do not resuscitate) orders - we realize that the family wasn't ready and they needed time to let go of their child. for some its a few hours and for some its a few years...


make your decision but make sure you are at peace with it... don't let doctors make you feel pressured until you are ready in your heart...

 

My father passed away last year. He was battling cancer 5 years before and a slight case of pneumonia landed him in a coma that he couldn't recover. The three weeks he was in ICU was one of the most agonizing experiences I've had, but in a sense I was lucky to have my mom and sisters around.

In my dad's case, he lost a lot of brain function and the cancer had reached to an advanced stage where even if he had recovered it wouldn't be long after that another problem arose. He had signed a dnr waiver, but the decision to end life support wasn't stated so it was ours to make.

It's one of those decisions where you're bombarded with a cluster**** of feelings. If your loved one loses consciousness, then you don't know whether he's suffering or struggling. And the longer it takes and the longer it drags, other aspects of reality creep in where you can possibly beat yourself for being selfish. This is all despite reassurances from doctors, nurses and friends about the facts or their philosophical predisposition.

Every now and then I wonder about the decision. Even if you have rational qualifiers such as the ability to recover, the quality of recovery, or a good estimate on the pain or suffering he's in, there's still a part in the brain that feels like you're giving up on him. It's there whether it's true or not.

If you're forced to make a decision he can't make, then I guess the question to ask yourself is whether you're ready to let him rest or not.

 

First, I admire your courage for sharing such a personal moment on a message board. I have often wanted to, but chickened out.

As far as your question about what criteria would I use in your situation, I would be guided by what I thought my father would want.

If that doesn't give you a clear answer, follow the Golden Rule. Assuming you had a son and you were in your father's condition, what would you want your son to do?

Good luck with your decision and don't expect more from yourself than you have a right to. We all have the right to be human and uncertain.

 

My father had an attack just before Thanksgiving in '99 that left him in a coma. The doctors said from the beginning that his chances of ever emerging from the coma were basically nill, leaving us with the same decision. We decided that any chance was better than no chance (he was still breathing on his own) and left him on the feeding tubes. Unfortunately it was unsuccessful in the end (passed away in the early morning hours the day after Christmas) but I guess it would have been too hard on the family to say goodbye without exhausting every single option.

Personally, I guess I'm a coward. I've told my family that I don't care if they have to hook me up to so many machines I look like Robocop, I'd like it if they kept me alive as long as possible.

But that's neither here nor there. I don't envy you your decision, and I wish you well regardless of what you decide in the end.

 

That's hard man.

I'll put in a special prayer for your family tonight.

 

Ditto. I wanted what was best for my father and didn't want to see him suffer any further. Just trust in yourself to make the best decision for your own father and make peace w/ it.