Like most other people, I have a father. I've always looked up to the guy, as he does seem to be, overall, a pretty good person. He's a physician. He served in the military. He supports several ex-wives. And so on. Like a lot of fathers from his era, he's also not much on letting the people in his life know that they're important to him. I don't recall the last time he told me he loved me, for example, though I know it's been a good many years since he has. Stuff like that. There's also the whole thing with his current wife who hates me and my sister and everything associated with my father pre-LaDon (her name is LaDon), so I'm not even entirely sure where they live anymore. I know they moved out of the house they purchased a month and a half before I left for college, and I know the new house is apparently in the same general neighborhood, but I've not been to the house, and I don't know the address. That part, I think is probably not the norm in relationships with one's parents. Since my Dad, like me, has a pretty intense fear of being alone, he doesn't stand up to the wife. So, if I want to talk to my father, we have to kind-of sneak around. If I'm in town, I have to meet him up at the clinic, for example. I can't call him at home. I have to call on the cell phone, and not after business hours. That sort of thing, which is annoying, but I do it anyway because that's what I have to do to have a relationship with him. Most of the time, it's not a big deal. I don't live in the same town as he does anymore anyway, so the distance takes some of the sting off. But there are days when it get to me. And today was one of those days. Yesterday was my father's birthday. He's 59 years-old. I called him on his cell during the workday, but he didn't answer. I can't send a card or a gift for fear the wife will intercept it (and if she did, she would either yell at him, making his life miserable, or simply throw any card or gift away without telling him) So I left a message on his phone, basically telling him happy birthday and that I do appreciate everything he's done for me even if I often have trouble expressing my thanks, my admiration for him and my love for him. So this evening, he calls me back. And he thanks me for the nice message. He seemed genuinely touched by the message, so that was nice. And then he tells me why he couldn't call back until tonight. Well, it turns out, he's been in court for two weeks. Now, it's a civil matter stemming from a bunch of real estate deals he and his partners did back in the 1980s. Personally, I thought all this stuff was done years ago when they settled up with the RTC, but I was apparently wrong. The gist I got was that he was suing a bunch of lawyers who, in his opinion, did some bad things during this time. But that's neither here nor there, really. The thing that got me was that he's been in court for two weeks and never told me anything about it until now. I don't know why this, in particular, bothers me. I guess it's just too weird to me that here's something that's relatively big in his life (he's shut down his clinic for the duration of the trial), and he didn't bother to mention it to me until tonight. Things like this always make me wonder if he's really at all interested in me at all. I mean, if I didn't make the effort to be a part of his life, would he make any effort? And when he just doesn't think I'm important enough to tell about important events in his life, it makes me think even more that I don't really matter to him, despite not only being his first born, but also his most handsome son. And the son that shares most of the same interests he does and who could actually speak intelligently on most of them.... granted, my half-brothers (who don't know I exist, by the way) are just kids (ages 14 and 12, I think), but still..... It just gets me down because I know our time is limited. He's not going to be around forever. Here he is, pushing 60 with a family history of heart disease and one stress-inducing wife, and we're missing time that we could be spending together and missing opportunities to really get to know each other (I know he barely knows me, in a real sense. He doesn't really know the things I like or the person I've become), to do that thing that parents and kids are supposed to do when the kid grows up. As it is, I get the feeling that he thinks I'm stupid and lazy and not altogether interesting at all. If he took the time to get to know me, perhaps that perception would change.... or it could be confirmed. Either way, I think it'd be worth the effort. Plus, it would be nice if he could have a real relationship with his grandkids. It just truly is sad to me that I have a better relationship with my dad's second wife and her husband than I do with my own father. So anyway, that was just bothering me tonight.
Hey man i know we were goin at it a lil in the texans/titans thread but just wanted to say im sorry to hear bout ur relationship with ur dad. i try and tell myself how lucky i am to have a dad who cares so much for his kids and does anything in the world for them. i honestly dont know what i would do if i lost him.....i really cant even begin to think of how u can have this relationship with your father. its good to know that ur trying ur hardest and i wouldnt give up because parents are so important. sorry if i wasnt any help but just wanted to know thinkin bout ya...
It's sad that you can't have a closer relationship with your dad, but don't read too much into him not telling you about the court case. Your father and mine sound similar in how they deal with their children, and I never knew what my dad did for a living other than the name of the place he worked. If it didn't effect me directly he would never tell me about, especially in the maters of personal business. It sounds like he just internalizes everything.
wow, you and i are total opposites although i wish it wasn't the case. i usually try to avoid talking to my dad basically b/c it's awkward. i think it has alot to do with the language barrier and i guess the fact that we have totally different views about how to earn a living.
Man, that's heart-breaking. Have you ever tried to have a face-to-face with your dad's wife.... alone and try to get on more solid footing? Try it. It sounds like it would be tough but it also seems like the only way to break down these walls. I'm sure you probably have but did you lay all the cards on the table as you here, specifically your concerns about being on the downhill side (without being morbid about it!)? It couldn't make things worse, could it?
I had the same sort of deal with my Mom. It does suck but you gotta realize that it's their choice because of their issues and try to move on (much easier said then done). I did all the obligatory things (never missed b-day, mothers day, christmas) and hoped she would show something back. It never happen. I've come to accept that it was her issues that caused this not anything I did. It sounds like that is your situation too. It sucks but you have to seperate your self-worth from the approval of your Father (a very difficult thing to do)
I'm with PieEater - don't read too much into his not telling his troubles. Keep the feelings of your message in the forefront and offer any help you can.
Being a father myself, I feel very bad for you. I cant see myself not having a good relationship with my son. I will do everything in my power to never let the relationship turn sour. My father was like this, but the way I see it now, it was his lost. He and my mom divorced early in my childhood. The man never showed me affection. Now I just used him as a tool, on how not to be with my kids. As far as your dads new wife....... .......she is so wrong for not letting him see you guys, without having to hide it. This might sound mean but, its your dads fault for allowing that **** to happen. Im sorry man....keep on giving your kids hugs.
My pop is on his third wife. During the first two marriages I was included in everything. So I know he is, in general, trying to do the right thing. I know he loved me. I still know he loves me. But now that he's in his third marriage he's just drifted away. And I understand that to some degree. It's almost like another life and he has to live that first. I hear from him maybe twice a year and it's awkward now. I have no problem with it. He has to be who he is. If he ever wants to change that he can, but as far my life goes, I'm happy no matter what he decides to do. As far as reaching out to fathers or mothers like this I say make your obligatory calls on holidays and leave it in their hands. If they want to return the love then you gave them a chance. But if they don't, just understand that is who they have become, and don't hold any grudges. Everybody has to be who they are. If you have grandchildren I think you have to treat it the same way. No expectations, but keep reaching out occasionally. That is all you can do. But don't expect that because you have a child they are going to change. They might not.
If you listen to that song "Father of Mine" by Everclear, that is my story growing up. father of mine tell me where have you been you know i just closed my eyes my whole world disappeared father of mine take me back to the day when i was still your golden boy back before you went away i remember blue skies walking the block i loved it when you held me high i loved to hear you talk you would take me to the movie you would take me to the beach you would take me to a place inside that is so hard to reach father of mine tell me where did you go you had the world inside your hand but you did not seem to know father of mine tell me what do you see when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me i was ten years old doing all that i could it wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy in a black neighborhood sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five dollar bill i never understood you then and i guess i never will daddy gave me a name my dad he gave me a name then he walked away daddy gave me a name then he walked away my dad he gave me a name father of mine tell me where have you been i just closed my eyes and the world disappeared father of mine tell me how do you sleep with the children you abandoned and the wife i saw you beat i will never be safe i will never be sane i will always be weird inside i will always be lame now i'm a grown man with a child of my own and i swear that i'm not going to let her know all the pain i have known then he walked away daddy gave me a name then he walked away my dad he gave me a name then he walked away daddy gave me a name then he walked away my dad he gave me a name then he walked away My Dad left when I was 5, before then we were always together. All my brothers were named after people on my Mom's side, but he chose my name (my Daddy gave me a name). He really did send me birthday cards with 5 dollar bills until I was 11, then he just stopped sending anything. in fact I just celebrated my 31st and nothing came from him. I really did grow up as the only white kid in a black neighborhood until I was 18. He used to promise that we would do this and that, and then not even show up to get me. To this very day, I do not use the word "promise" when talking to people about plans or things I will try to do for them. In the last 20+ years I only said that word to my wife in our wedding vows, because I really meant it. I forgave my Dad for all the pain he caused me a long time ago, but even now I am getting choked up. I feel for you brother, I really do.
