This is for all parents of kids of any age, as well as for the youngsters here who still live at home or recently moved out: How much privacy should parents afford their kids? In today's world where everything is being experienced by kids at a much younger age, is it ok for parents to snoop around their kids rooms, or listen in to telephone conversations? How about checking up on what is being said in chat rooms or instant messages? Does the need for a child to have his space over-ride a parent's concern over what a child is doing , or what is friends are doing or saying? And another thing: what should a parent do if they discover some type of undesirable activity thru covert actions? If the parent confronts the child, the child will know they have been spied upon. I ask these questions as a preventative measure. My kids are still the little angels my wife and I raised, but my oldest has reached the age where he gets a lot of phone calls and has recently been introduced to AIM and chats with his buddies (boys and girls). Sometimes, when he is approached from behind while on the computer, he will minimize his chat windows quickly. I'm dying to know what he is talking about, but would hate for him to distrust us over minor "kid talk". Any opinions?
He probably just doesn't want you to see the inside stuff only friends understand. Kind of like "sunshine asses" and so forth.
LOL! Want to know the funny part? I was there when "sunshine asses" originated! Wait, that didn't come out right!
Unfortunately that is a call that you will have to decide yourself based on how well you know your kids. Personally if I suspect that something unsavory is going on that will ultimately harm my child, I will do everything I can to prevent it. If that means snooping around, I'll snoop around. Ultimately you have to decide if your child's welfare is worth more than you being discovered infringing on their privacy. My kids are 24 and 19. In the long run, any snooping that I did, far outweighed the consequences. Good Luck!
Of course he doesn't want you to see what he's chatting about. That's only natural, and doesn't mean there's anything bad going down. If you're going to search the guy's room, then for the love of god don't let him know you're doing it. Even if you find something it is imperative that his trust and illusion of privacy remain intact. For instance, if you find a pack of cigarette, then you have to confront him, but do it something like this: "Son.. I'm no idiot. I've been around the block a few times. Lately, I can smell the tobacco on your clothes and breath. I know you've been smoking." If you find a stash of porno mags, though, just look the other way.
bobreck, let me extend this further: yes, we have begun snooping and listening in on phone conversations, but nothing of note has come out of it (Thank God!). But what about my second question: what would you do if you discovered something thru snooping? How would you confront the child without the child knowing how you got the information? BTW: 24 and 19?? Damn. I thought I was old!
Your children have ZERO right to privacy in your house, because it is your responsibility to keep them safe. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. In a best case scenario, a parent will know where a child is, who a child is with, and what a child is doing ALL THE TIME. I know this is impossible, but every good parent should strive for this standard. I admire you for loving your child enough to monitor his/her activities while he/she is learning. When I was a teenager, my parents would openly rummage through my things, so I got very good at hiding certain items. I think the previous poster is correct in suggesting that you should not disclose how you find any troubling items. When your kids are older, even if big trouble arises now, you will all laugh about these hard times- and they will thank you for caring enough to be strict. God knows there aren't enough parents like you.
Whenever I sneakily discovered something, I tried to address it in a roundabout fashion so that the offense would arise without raising the issue of how I acquired the info. For example, let's say I discovered a pack of cigarettes in a child's room. I may mention how their clothes smell like smoke or how I found a cigarette butt in the driveway or how I found a cigarette in their pocket while I was washing clothes. They wouldn't know for sure if they left that cigarette there and would have to discuss the situation. It's also great when your kids have kids. They then start to truly appreciate everything you went through and your reasons for it. My daughter hated it when I would question her choice of friends or the places they would go. She now sees the reasoning behind it and my motivations ( that my objections were always due to the love and care I had for her). Incidentally, I have a 6 year old granddaughter. It is great hearing how I am not old enough to be a grandfather all the time. I was a grandfather at 36 which (if things run true to form), I'll be a great-grandfather at 54.
I'm not sure what you really accomplish by invading your children's privacy. If you know what it is, precisely, that you're afraid your children may be getting into, you might be better off asking them what they think about the subject and letting them know what your views are and why. Your children need forums in which they can openly express themselves without the pressure or discomfort of having their parents watching them, much like adults. (Do your children ever read your posts on the BBS?) If you are paying attention to them and their lives, you are likely to notice if they start using drugs, etc.
well said JV... and if kids don't learn about the need for privacy at home, how will they interact with other kids and adults? How will they learn to respect the privacy of other people? Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your son/daughter's best friend was visiting your house, and you stumbled in on 'em snoopin' through your underwear drawer? eeek!
So if you think your kids are doing drugs but they continue to deny it, will you continue to accept their word for it? Or if you think they might be sneaking out at night, might it not be a good idea to check in on them during the night? If you don't have a good feel for their friends, wouldn't it be prudent to do what you can to find out more about them? My kids certainly knew my views and morality. In some cases their views were harmful to themselves. I seriously doubt either of my kids know that this forum exists, but I have never written anything which I am ashamed of so I have no problems if they read my posts. One thing I have learned in my life is to never question another person's parenting "technique" (obviously if I were to notice child abuse, I would question it). Each family is unique and each situation is unknown in its entirety to outsiders. It is amazing to me how many folks think they know what is best for someone else's family without being exposed 100% of the time to that particular family's situation.
I don't think anyone is proposing a daily raid on a child's personal belongings, but are only citing the absolute right to do so if the circumstances warrant suspicion of inappropriate activity of some sort.
