A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"
This is a story about the first Jewish president of the United States. One day, his mother calls him on the telephone. "Mendle, tomorrow is Hanukkah, I want you should come home and be with the family." "But Ma, I'm the president of the United States. I can't get away. I've got too many things to attend to. But why don't you come down here for the holiday?" "No, it's too much trouble. I'm not so young anymore. I'd have to clean up the apartment, stop delivery of the newspapers, pack up and it would be a real rush." "Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send some of my aides and they'll take care of everything for you. You won't have to lift a finger." "OK, but then I'd have to book a reservation on a flight and I know I'll never get a seat one day before Hanukkah." "But Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and fly you down here. You'll travel first class." "OK, but then I'll have to schlep from the airport into the city, the taxi service in Washington is terrible, and I'm afraid of the subway." "Ma, Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll have my helicopter pick you up at the airport and bring you straight into the city." "OK, but then I'll need to get a hotel room and they are so expensive and you know how I hate hotels." "Ma, I'm the president of the USA. You'll stay at the White House and sleep in Lincoln's bedroom." "Well, OK. I guess I'll come." So, it was finally settled. The president's mother was scheduled to leave for DC the next morning to celebrate Hanukkah with her son. A few minutes after she hung up from her son, her friend Minnie called: " So what are you doing for Hanukkah?" "I am going to spend it with my son." "Your son the doctor?" "No, the other one."
2004's BEST HEADLINES Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
lol all great jokes. Heres a great one. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 789. Dont mess with the classics.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." ____________________________________________________ These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Men Never Listen In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said,”You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
