John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.
Three construction workers, one white, one mexican, and one french. they're working and working, and finally it is lunch time.. so the white guy takes out his lunch sack and seas another corn beaf sandwhich. he then says" damnit if i see another corn beef sandwhich i'm gonna kill myself" then the mexican guy takes out his lunch sack. He opens it and finds a burrito. Then says "damnit if i find another burrito in my lunch again, i'm gonna kill myself." Then the french guys opens his lunch sack, he finds a baloney sandwhich. then he says "god damnit guys, if i find another baloney sandwhich i'm gonna kill myself. So, the next day at lunch, the white guy finds a corn beef sandwhich and jumps off the building, killing himself. The mexican finds a burrito and cuts his own throat. The french guy finds another baloney sandwhich and jumps off teh building like the white guy. So, at the funeral, everyone looks at the construction workers wives..The white guys wife says..."hey if i knew that he didn't like that..i could've prepared something different for him." Next they stare at the mexican's wife..she replies "hey he could've told me he didn't want a burrito, i could've made him an ensalada or something." Then the french's wife snickers and says "hey..dont look at me..that dumbass made his own lunch".
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now? The new service in their black uniforms with "******" across their backs. * Useful math... Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If the letters: >A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z >are represented as the numbers: >1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 > >Then, >H A R D W O R K >8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% > >K N O W L E D G E >11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% > >But, >A T T I T U D E >1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% > >And, >B U L L S H I T >2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top. *
