Joel Osteen last Sunday. He usually has a few zingers, but that was the funniest one I'd heard in a while.
how many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? I like bikes! what's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken
My favorite joke. It's a lot more fun for the joke teller than the audience: A frog walks into a bank, walks up the the loan officer, Patti Whack, and says, "Hi Patti. My names Kermit Jagger, my father's Mick Jagger, and I'd like a loan." Patti asks him, "How much?" Kermit replies, "$100,000". Patti asks for some collateral. Kermit pulls out a miniature porcelain elephant and hands it to her. Confused, Patti calls for a manager, shows him the elephant and asks what it is. The manager replies, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
How many indie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you probably havn't heard of it.
When I was a kid, my teachers told me "practice makes perfect". Then, they told me "nobody's perfect". So I stopped practicing.
Here's one I heard on XM radio today: "Do Chinese driver's licenses have a place for hair and eye color on them?
A pedophile and a little boy are walking deep into a dark, secluded forest. "Jeepers mister, i'm gettin a little scared!" exlaims the child. "You're scared!? I'm the one who's gotta walk outta here alone!"
Jesus Is Watching You Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes,” Said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”
It was just announced in Athens media that the Spurs have now signed Ime Udoka and now have 14 players under contract and only have one roster spot open and would like to add both draft picks Marcus Williams and Tiago Splitter, but because of Splitter's buyout may not be able to add him. They have Williams unsigned and also would like to add another big man. Apparently the buyout with Spanoulis was agreed upon, UNTIL France and Greece just played each other....... The report comes from Panathinaikos team reporter and seems to indicate that there chances of signing Spanoulis have dropped. They reported that after the France vs. Greece game Tony Parker called up Greg Popovich and R.C. Buford and requested that Spanoulis not be bought out and that Marcus William's roster spot go to him. Apparently Parker told the Spurs that Spanoulis is much better than Jacque Vaughn or Beno Udrih and that he is ready to step in and be the primary backup immediately. It was also reported that after the game Parker insisted on dining with Spanoulis and was insistent on convincing him to say with the Spurs. It was reported interestingly enough that Spanoulis told Parker that his father had recently died and that his mother had become very depressed over this and was suicidal. He had asked for a leave of absence from the team and Jeff Van Gundy denied it he said that a radio cast mentions this is rumored to be the final straw for Spanoulis with Van Gundy. They also apparently reported that Spanoulis has now changed his mind after talking to Parker after Parker told him that Popovich plays no favorites and that Rafer Alston would have never played over him in SA. Spanoulis has supposedly now informed the Spurs GM that he wants to play in SA and also it was said that Buford wants to keep him, but because Spanoulis changed his mind after they signed Udoka they might not be able to, but they might work a trade to keep him because they believe he is "another Manu." This is really good part below, this comes from what my brother says Vassilis told him.......... Supposedly Spanoulis now "hates the city of Houston and the Rockets fans" because, 1. Jeff Van Gundy made up the whole "I was T-Mac in Greece" thing and the press knew it and printed it just because Van Gundy told them to. That the radio people talked about it just because Van Gundy told them to even though they admitted to Spanoulis that Van Gundy told them it was made up. 2. The fans believed it was true and mercilessly mocked Spanoulis for it. 3. After he had asked for a family leave because of his mother's ill health after his father's death and Jeff Van Gundy denied it, Spanoulis' mom called up team GM "CD" and assistant GM Daryl Morey and asked them if Spanoulis could come home. Jeff Van Gundy would not agree to it, threatening to suspend him and sue him if he breached his contract. The Rockets management disagreed but according to Spanoulis always did what Van Gundy wanted. Van Gundy then went to the press according to Spanoulis and leaked to them that "his mom cried on the phone and begged for her son to come back" and told the writers to put in a context that made Spanoulis look bad. The fans then again ruthlessly attacked and mocked his mother without knowing what was going on. 4. Spanoulis said that he told the Rockets after the playoffs he would never play for them again because he didn't believe anything they told him. His story is the Rockets GM and Vice President promised him 20-25 minutes of playing time before he signed with them and that at training camp he was told by them he would start over Rafer Alston after the first week of scrimmages. Then Jeff Van Gundy later told him he would not play all year because his wife had ordered him not to play him since he was a rookie and that might cost some games, which could cause Jeff Van Gundy to lose his job and his wife told Jeff Van Gundy that she would not accept "less spending money." This according to Spanoulis was the reason given for why Jeff Van Gundy told him "you will not play as long as I'm in charge. Go back to Greece where they still play basketball in barns." Spanoulis says that both Yao and Mcgrady went to Van Gundy requesting that Spanoulis start because in practice he was always abusing the other point guards. They were apparently told to shut up and tow the team line. Spanoulis says that when some fans began asking why Spanoulis was not playing, Van Gundy instructed a Houston reporter to "make up a story that Spanoulis had played horribly in practice and that he would not make it in the NBA." This in contrast to him actually abusing Rafer Alston in practice. From Spanoulis' story this was confirmed by the Rockets former GM CD who was told to "go fu** himself" by Van Gundy when he told the coach that after watching practice he saw Spanoulis was by far the best point guard. Spanoulis claims that he regularly read the Houston fans forum clutchfans.net and noticed that many of the fans there actually believed he was "terrible" and were brainwashed by the politics of Van Gundy. He now "has zero respect for the fans of Houston." 5. On his exit interview with the Rockets new GM Daryl Morey, Spanoulis was told by Morey that Shane Battier told the GM Spanoulis was the third best player on the team and it was not even close and that he had asked Van Gundy why he was being benched and Van Gundy had told him "I asked CD (is this the other GM?) for a new starting point guard because Rafer Alston is a joke, I told him I wanted Mike James back. CD told me I could go after him. What happened was Mike agreed to play for us, then CD set it up behind my back so they would not sign him and made up bogus excuses about trade kickers and options. They intended all along not to sign him because they wanted Spanoulis. They've been on his jock for years. I told CD specifically that I didn't want any Euro trash on my team and that the guy sucked. Dennis (??) made me watch tape of him and I was so pissed off when I saw how good the guy was. So I decided to make it a point that I would bench the fu**** just to piss off the management so much that they would never go against my player requests again. Even though Spanoulis is clearly much better than Mike James I had to make a point to them and I did." Per Spanoulis' story Morey then told him that Van Gundy would be fired and that his antics were so out of control and had caused so many problems on the team that it was "beyond disastrous." Spanoulis claims Morey told him that he could not even stand to be in the same room with Van Gundy and called him the "Napoleon coach." 6. Spanoulis had his agent fly to Houston and have a meeting with "CD". CD called Van Gundy up to his office and told him to play Spanoulis or he would be fired. Van Gundy agreed. Spanoulis says after the meeting Van Gundy told him "you are done in this league forever you stupid motherf*****." Van Gundy then played Spanoulis against San Antonio and then told him "you won't play anything but garbage time again." Spanoulis says that after this Van Gundy told him, "CD told me you have been reading "the Chronicle Blogs" and listening to the sports radio and reading the fan forum online and that you are pissed off at all the false reports which are coming from me making up things about you and how the fans are believing it. Well just to let you know I post on that forum all the time and they all believe every damn word I say, I control the whole opinion there with the way I post and manipulate them. The fans are all a bunch of stupid losers and I own the Chronicle reporters and the radio talk guys." Apparently Spanoulis claims he "almost snapped" when his brother called him saying his mother was suicidal and the doctors said he was needed and when he requested leave from the team and was granted it from management that Van Gundy told him "you leave and I'll make sure you never ever get another contract in the NBA ever. Go ahead and don't ever expect your sorry *** to get out of Greece again after all the trash I'll tell every GM and coach in the league about you." Spanoulis says that Morey and Rick Adelman and Yao and McGrady tried to convince him to stay but that he was so distraught over the experience that he viewed the NBA and city of Houston as "total hell." He says that Yao told him, "in practice you are every bit as good if not better than Steve Nash is, Jeff is just so damn mean and stupid." And that "when the season ended I told the owner if he did not fire the coach I would go back to China. I simply cannot stand his ridiculous crap and antics anymore, I have been taking this crap from him for so long now." Apparently Yao told Spanoulis that the Rockets owner was furious with Van Gundy for what he did to Spanoulis because the Rockets media revenue department had said it would cost them about $10 million in lost revenues a year from Greece by no longer having Spanoulis on the team. A person named "Dennis" it was said left the Rockets and joined San Antonio and personally set up the trade of Scola and Butler just to get Spanoulis because he "believes I can be an all star." But I still told him I was too disturbed from experience with Van Gundy to come back. But now I have changed my mind as Tony Parker has explained to me it is just Van Gundy that acts this way in NBA coaches not all NBA coaches. Now if I can stay with Spurs I will.
so this guy is standing at a bar and sees a pirate walk in. peg leg, hook, eye patch, and parrot... so he ask the pirate "are you a real pirate?" the pirate responds "ay me matey." the guy asks "what happened to your leg?" the pirate responds "arg, a **** shark took me leg." the guy then asks "what happened to your hand?" the pirate responds "arg, twas cleaved off when me crew and i were attacking another ship." the guy finally asks "what happened to your eye?" the pirate responds "arg, twas a **** seagull that shat in my eye." the guy responded "a seagull?" the pirate responds "arg, twas me first day with the hook..."
one more... so there are these two muffin sitting in an oven. then one muffin turns to the other one and says "dang its getting kinda hot in here." and the other muffin responds "HOLY SH*T A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
A famous Jewish joke: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but purplerunning shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week.
