Its All Wrong

One of the wisest things that I ever learned was that existence is suffering. That is the first Noble Truth of Buddhism and it seems truer to me everyday.

That doesn’t mean we give up on life but we see life for what it is.

 

So I started this post by saying "eff your mother", but that may be a little inappropriate, so I'll just say "your mother is wrong."

Our family had a big fallout a couple of years ago when the last of my siblings finally came out of the closet to my parents. It was a pretty big deal because all three kids being gay/lesbian likely means no grandchildren (Neither my brother or sister want kids either).

Anyhow, things were said from my mother in a tone that I've never heard from her before when I called my parents out for shunning him. Having your mother call her children disgusting in a tone of pure hatred is pretty hard to shake. It took a couple of days for me to realize that I could be happy without them.

Didn't communicate with them for a few months until she called to say that she was checking up on me. My brother and sister had been communicating with both parents for a couple of months. I think she was grateful that everything that was said in our call stayed just between the two of us. Would have been devastating to the family otherwise. She started calling more and things went back to normal ultimately... for them. There was never an apology as my folks aren't the apologizing type.

Two years later, I still can't unhear the things that were said in that call and the tone in which they were said. Also still, I've visited them back in Texas and have gone on a trip with them. It's not about being the bigger person as I really don't believe in that. It's a load of crap. I just had a friend who's kind of a mentor tell me that he wished his parents were alive, even if it were just to argue with them.

Give your family time. If it works out great. If not, that's unfortunate. Ultimately, you can't rely on people to make you happy. That's on you. Look at it as being happy out of spite to your mother. It may be a fake it to you make it sort of deal, but if you seek help in places other that anonymous message boards and other social media, you'll be fine.

You mentioned you were a student... the counselors can put together some resources for you. Is there a LGBT group on campus? Start one. Speaking from experience, it's pretty easy to get the ball rolling. If it's a small college town with no gay community to be surrounded by allies, a weekend trip to trans support groups in a bigger city would help.

Contact me through the board and I'll give you my number if you need a voice to talk to. I'll try to help find the help you need in your area.

From the looks of it, you aren't in Houston. However there's a trans zoom support group that's based in Houston. It shouldn't be a problem for you to attend. https://www.montrosecenter.org/transgender/

 

If this is a serious post do us all a favor and contact a professional. You are on some hormones if I remember correctly which can negatively impact emotions and mood swings.

 

If I remember correctly, you once checked into a mental institution while you were posting as the juice.

I think looking for a support group might help you in your tough times along with professional help that looks for a lasting recovery. With covid, you can meet like minded folk online, then decide to look further as you start to recover incrementally.

Unfortunately, your stated problem aren't entirely unique, meaning there's a lot of misery and personal distress in this world. Fortunately, you can meet people with experience to your situation should you invest time and effort into the search.

None of us have much understanding or permanent answers to what you're going through. But that doesn't mean folks here don't care. This board might serve something in the short term but I do hope you find the help you need and keep us updated.

 

Just to follow up on my own post.

The nature of suffering is perception and perception is a powerful thing. Things like I don't have any money, any friends when I look at other guys is largely a matter of perception. This doesn't mean you aren't actually poor or lonely but that whatever pain you might feel from that is greatly magnified if you're constantly comparing to others.

 

Transgenderism wouldn't exist if there wasn't an evolutionary reason for it.

 

nm

 

You’ve mentioned God and if it is The God I’m thinking about, then maybe it’s time to try God’s way instead of the world’s way. Hang in there, I’m rooting for you, your life is precious.

 

This is very offensive to me being a retired Veteran. I certainly didn't join the military for that reason. Honestly, that type of thinking should be a disqualification for even joining. I would think that would be a big red flag to your ability to make rational decisions. If your only joy is hurting others and you don't want to live please seek professional help.

Your life is worth living, and there are plenty of ways to find joy in life. Find companionship with others who accept you for who you are. Join a support group. Seek professional help. If you can't afford it then go to social services for help. You can find support groups and forums online for support until you can afford to move to a place where you can find support if you can't find it there.

Put the bigots and haters on ignore. It's toxic to read hateful posts. It will not bring you anything but negative thoughts, disgust, or sadness. I've learned that, and put the bigots, racists, and bullies on ignore.

There are many on here who are full of nasty hateful and disgusting thoughts who enjoy bullying and trolling. They tag each other to gang up on people for entertainment. It's childish. Just ignore that type stuff. You will enjoy the forum more. There are plenty of decent people on here who are much more accepting of someone who is different than them.

No matter how bad things are now, you can find ways to make your life better. Don't give up. Life is worth living.

 

@TheJuice

this clip says it all, …there was a time I was in high school and I actually went to 3 different high schools ( parents please don’t ever do that) - I was bullied,… I wanted to grab a chair and unleash my rage, I actually thought of bringing a gun to school to confront my bully (that thought was fleeting) …I could have chosen absolute darkness - it happens but don’t ever sell yourself short- this clip says it all, just give yourself time is all we ask - we underestimate what we can do in decades - I have two daughters - one is part of the LGQTB community, the other is republican like me but they absolutely love each other and for some reason BOTH think I’m a awesome Dad- I think I’m most proud of that tbh

 

This is toxic.

I'm sorry you are depressed and i really do sympathise and empathise, but hurting others because you are hurting is how you become the bad guy.

The only thing you have direct control over is how you chose to respond to your unhappiness. Causing more unhappiness makes you complicit in the situation that made you unhappy.

BTW i know a ton of LBGT who are very happy people. A few who are miserable aholes, but far more who are healthy and happy.

Also, I'm sure your parents are good people but at some point I had to learn to stop listening to my parents well meaning "advice". It was too easy to internalize and brood on. I found much more happiness in worrying about what I wanted than trying to listen to their formula for happiness.

 

I don't think this is a place for you to make transgender talking points.

 

I didn't

 

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

LGBTQ+ : Lifeline

 

You’re not alone. When we are at our lowest it just feels that way. You have more support here than you may think you do.

Live your best life for you and I believe things will work out. Yes, I’d probably start with real help. Someone who understands what you’re going through far better than any of us could.

Please don’t do anything to end it. Fight and become stronger as you learn how to navigate what you’re going through.