A good friend of mine, Richard, is turning 40 in a couple of weeks. We are throwing a surprise birthday roast in his honor. Now I know asking for help roasting a guy that nobody knows is kind of tough but I will try to give some general characteristics of the guy and maybe yall can help me come up with some stuff. The jokes can be tasteless as possible. Anything involving Bea Arthur would be good. • In college he had a legendary messy apartment. It was REALLY bad. It was mostly covered in fast food wrappers etc. He lived on Taco Bell. • He also tin foiled the windows to make it completely dark so he would sit around playing video games in the dark. • Big Time obnoxious Dallas Cowboys fan - from Dallas • Back around late '80s he had some bad taste in music. He listened to a lot "Numbers" music. Really gay dancy stuff. He also had really long straight hair during that time. We thought he was gay then, but he inst. But we can call him gay at the roast. • played guitar in a "grungy" band in the early 90s and still had the long hair that he would always bang his head with while he played, did it for years. • Later had a massive unkempt beard (think Rick Rubin lite). I already came up with a good joke about that one but could use more... "Richard's beard was so out of control it looked like he was giving Bigfoot a bj." Anyone?
Ah, I'm quite the seasoned veteran when it comes to this. Whatever you do, do not google things to say. Believe me, everybody has heard what's out there on the net and it will not be fresh or original sounding. Use the personal stories that you have. Those work best.
I always thought that the best roast was cooked in a pressure cooker. wait... Let's get some more details. - How is/was his relationships? - Does he have a nickname (Frank the Tank)? - Does he still play guitar? - Any band stories? - Any drunken excursions? Throw me a bone.
Let's get some more details. - How is/was his relationships? Married now. He had the one average looking girlfriend that he would make drawings of. He would draw the naked bodies out of Playboy then draw her head on them. It was funny as hell (this was the time before Photoshop) the fact that he took the time to do that was great. He had another that we called Ruth Buzzy behind his back before he found out. - Does he have a nickname (Frank the Tank)? Doc. And I think he gave it to himself. - Does he still play guitar? I guess. Not in a band though. - Any band stories? Not that focus on him. I can ask around though - Any drunken excursions? Tons. Memory is to fuzzy for details though. He would burn furniture in the yard when Cowboys won the Superbowl. Him and his roommate threw gas on their backyard pond to try and kill the mosquitoes. They almost burned down the neighborhood. Throw me a bone. Im trying! Dang, I was really hoping this would work...
Well Frank, from everything I've heard, you gave YOURSELF the nickname of Doc. Now, people who give themselves nicknames, well, I think that's in the dictionary under the word "dork" which is right next to your picture, but I digress. If you're going to nickname yourself after one of the seven dwarves, though, perhaps you should have taken your wife's suggestion and chosen Droopy!
Here's 2 Doc had an impressive collection of women, when his pencil set its mind to it. or... When Doc is around, the couch is always warm and the mosquitoes stop swimming.
Stolen a bit, but tell him that the pictures of his ex's face on the Playboy bodies still wouldn't make you want to **** her with Bea Arthur's dick.
how about: the current high gas prices can be traced back to (date?) when richard decided to use approximately 800,000 barrells of gas to kill a few mosquitoes flying around his pond. if you'll notice the resulting fireball mushroom cloud has permenately singed his eyebrows........ i think that could be worded and delivered much funnier than it reads
speaking of roasts you should have seen the neighbors yard after richard's mosquito removal program took effect.......... [rimshot]
richard used to tinfoil the windows in his house to keep it dark for video games that's pretty weird, but not as weird as the tinfoil hat he wears now to disrupt the alien implants he thinks are in his head.............
Thanks, but that made me think of "People think Richard used aluminium foil to cover his windows make his apartment as dark as possible to play his video games etc. Actually he used Wendy's Big Bacon Classic burger wrappers, as the cost of aluminium foil couldn't make it into his budget." Huh? Huh?...
that's better, if you could work making a wendy's wrapper tin foil alien implant blocker into the joke it could be gold.
