PRESIDENT RESPONDS TO TREASONOUS CRITICISM FROM DECREPIT ONE-TERM HAS-BEEN WHO'D BETTER KEEP HIS GERIATRIC CAKEHOLE SHUT IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR FATHER'S DAY Statement by the President THE PRESIDENT: "You may be seated. Like most of you out there, I keep a list of all the folks who have withheld or qualified their flattery of me over the years. Next to French dictator Jack Chirac, is Betsy Jernigan (who snickered quietly while I was stumbling through Dick and Jane in the third grade), Prince Charles of England (who supposedly opened his fairy trap to say something vaguely unfavorable about me at a private dinner), dried-up hag Helen Thomas, and Skip Barnsworth (who called me a "cheerleader ***" when I threw up on his Weejuns at a Delt party at Yale). Often, before turning in for bed at 8:30, I go through three or four pages in one of the many yellow legal pads in which I scribble the names of bastards who've rubbed me the wrong way. I can't tell you what a rush it is to come across a name and have my heart jump for joy as I put down my pretzel and cold beverage and run a red pen over and over and over and over their name, knowing that they had been killed by a hit and run, succumbed to an unexplained suicide, or been strangled by an over-zealous CIA operative acting on more of a polite hint than an outright order. Well, today I had the sad duty to add to that list of goddamned losers the name of a man whose seminal fluids and my mother's nail-biting last-minute decision to use the money for orthopedic shoes instead of an abortion caused me to come into this here world and fulfill my Jesus-anointed duty of bringing on the Apocalypse. Yes, as most of you in the press corps are already well aware, yesterday my immediate Republican predecessor, while delivering a speech at Tufts University, had the unmitigated gall to dare question the brilliance of me telling the rest of the world it can smoke my throbbing Texas pole. Now it seems that this predecessor doesn't have the cojones to tell me his uselessly wrong opinions in person. No, he has to go to flapping his Super-Polydent gums up at some fourth-rate Taxachusetts thinking commune. It reminds me of back when I was fourteen, and instead of just telling me to quit polishing off the Wild Turkey, he'd go and cry like a woman about it to that foul-mouthed gargoyle I used to call Mom. But what do you expect from a decrepit one-termer party turncoat who handed the hopes and dreams of America's corporate robber-barons over to the slum-loving Democrats? You know, you'd think that somebody would be able to show a little gratitude. And after all I did for him. It's not every son who is willing to plunge the entire planet into chaos and war-induced depression simply to exact personal vengeance on some powerless tin pot sand nigra who made his daddy look like a big sissy failure. Maybe if this predecessor had spent a little more time focused on convincing dumb poor folks that giving more money to our zillionaire pals will keep them flush in Lotto ticket money, he could have stuck around and finished the job himself instead of playing the role of Mr. Geriatric Backseat Driver ******* Who Thinks Just Because You're the Oldest That You Should Have to Rake The ****ing Leaves Forever Instead of Those ****ing Jerkoffs Neil, Marvin and Jeb. Indeed, it seems my foreign policy-obsessed predecessor is still hung up on garbage like maintaining "long-term friendship" and "international coalitions." Well guess what? If someone doesn't want to be my friend anymore, then to hell with 'em. I've got new friends, and they're all the support I need. Tons of countries support my plans to do whatever the hell I want. Important, sovereign nations like Italy, Qatar, Antarctica, Guam, Hispano-Rico, Diego Garcia, Eternia, Visigothia, Cardassia, Mordor, the Island of Dr. Moreau, and the Confederate States of America. Now that's what I call a coalition. In other words, the world's watching my back, and Saddam bin Laden is going down. You see, some people - like my predecessor - just don't understand that the President business (like all businesses) changes over the years. In fact, over the last 10 years, we've seen the most amounts of majorly changes to Presidentialdom that have been seened in the same span of decades ever before! Today's imploding economy is different. Today's skyrocketing joblessness is different. Today's secret plot to overturn Roe vs. Wade by packing the federal bench with right-wing ideologues is different. And it calls for a different breed of President - preferably one who managed to shed his girly Connecticut accent and talk without using any of those fancy-pants f*****-boy college words. Now, I want to get all "let's pretend" on you spin-hungry media zombies for a minute. "Let's pretend" I had a pappy whom I loved very much, specifically because his pappy and his pappy's pappy had the good sense to inhale power and wealth like the giant Yankee leeches they were. And that generations later, yours truly would benefit from this tradition of inbred entitlement to become the mighty mouthpiece of the freedom-fearing aristocracy. Now, "let's pretend" that yours truly dedicated his whole presidency to making pappy proud, only to find out that pudding-slurping wheezebag is trying to get all Brutus behind my back! What's the son gonna do? I don't know. You tell me Dad! But before you do, why don't you tell everyone what a loser souse you used to think I was. Some baseball-team-buying, "C" average do-nothing. "Why can't you be more like Jeb, George?" this and "There's still puke on your slacks, George" that, and "Have I told you for the SEVEN MILLIONTH TIME about how I was a real life war hero, George?" Well screw that! I'm El Presidente now, so "let's pretend" that if anybody starts getting all Jimmy Carter on me, trying to worm his shriveled honker where it doesn't belong, then "let's pretend" his Secret Service detail will be replaced by a Paki cab driver, a couple of boy scouts, and a non-medicated pistol-packing Betty Ford. That is all. No questions, please. " ---------- 3 out of 5 'mericans support Operation Revenge For Daddy
Wow, where did this come from? This is even funnier if you picture Will Ferrell as Bush saying this instead of the President himself. LMAO, Mordor. I don't know why, but that's the part that had me really laughing. It just sounds funny, Mordor.
There's so much content. I can't believe I've never heard of this site. The "For Kids Only!" section is hilarious. Especially the NRA Kooky Kidz Korner.
