Normally I wouldn't discuss this in an open forum but someone in an earlier thread recommended that I should, so here goes... About 7 years ago I began a search for my biological parents. I’d known since I was a kid that I was adopted, my parents assured me that they would fully support me if I decided to find out more about my biological history. After writing letters, calling in favors and good investigation I found what I was looking for, my birth mother. She was a college instructor at the time and appeared to be pretty successful. I found out about her health and criminal history without her knowledge and I thought that would satisfy me...it didn't. Long story short, I wanted to meet face to face in order to let her know that I harbored no animosity and I think she did the right thing. I was disturbed when she delayed contacting me until she knew WHO I was. My publicist at the time served as mediator and had to prove that I wasn't a leech before she agreed to meet me... ...Very painful... She is still in my life wants so much more than I can give her. She wants to be grandma to my kids, best friend to my wife and advisor to me. I'm cool with her being around but I’ve made a pretty decent life for myself without her. My parents are wonderful and my mother has graciously offer to beat her up if I deem it necessary. Thanks for listening...
AB, Thanks for sharing. The part where she wanted to find out who you are is, well, poignant, in a big way. What can I say? ... Damned college instructors!
True, but she didn't even want to have a conversation with me until she had seen one of my articles. Damned college instructors
AB, My current girlfriend was adopted and never decided to search for her real parents. Any advice you could give on talking to her about it? Is the best thing just to put the knowledge in the back of my mind and just not ever bring it up unless she does? Did it take you a long time before you were able to discuss the topic with friends/significant others? I know this is a sensitive subject, so that's why I'm asking you for advice. If this is something you'd rather not discuss, I completely understand and I'm sorry if I offended you in any way by asking you this. B
Thanks for sharing AB. Just to update you on the times, my wife and I adopted a tremendous little boy last year. He just turned one. The adoption is an 'open adoption', meaning he gets letters from his birth mom, we keep her informed of his progress, and he will always know who she is. She, and her family came to our house after Christmas. If she's willing, he will get to see her at least once a year. It sounded odd when we first learned of these arrangements, but has proven truly incredible. And I expect it will work out best for him too.
Well, that makes me wonder 2 things: 1) Do you think it was a good idea to find your birth-mother now that you've done it? 2) Did you find your birth-father (that sounds weird, what is the usual term, sire?)? And one more: 3) Since you have some relevant personal experience, would you recommend adoption to others who feel they can't care for the children they've bore?
Bad word choice from B-Bob. I just meant it was moving in that "ouch. that had to feel awful for AB." As in, your first impression (or 2nd, really) of this woman had to be so harsh. I can't imagine it, but it had to go something like "Oh okay, now you've got time for me. I see." right?
Thats great that you found her AB. You should be up front and honest with her, after all, it was you that got in touch with her. If you don't want her involved in all aspects of your life, tell her. Your adoptive parents sound great. Sounds like if you need any advice, they are the ones to turn to.
AB...I always say that it never hurts to ask....ask her why she was hesitant in getting in contact with you...i mean, she wanted to make sure you werent a leech first right? She didnt have a problem making it clear to you
AB, Great story and thanks for sharing. I think Bobfinn hit the nail on the head ! P.S. Keep the world laughing !!!!
If I had it do all over again, I would've stopped after the information and never made it personal. In terms of advice, it's hard not to feel inferior when you know that someone gave you away. I submit to you that love is the best medicine, the more she feels around her the better she will feel about that situation. He is a pharmacist and didn't even know I existed until recently. I never met him, too much pressure. She admitted to being in denial about the whole thing. She also doesn't know that I know she was concerned about my motives.
did you go through an agency for this? what was involved? AB -- thank you so much for your willingness to share all this! sounds like your parents did a tremendous job!
Try not to feel that way AB. Being "given up" for adoption, or "giving away your child" are outdated terms that most people in the adoption field try to avoid because they can have very negative connotations. Your birth mom may just not have been ready to parent at that time. She made a decision that appears to have benefited you. It sounds as if you have adoptive parents you love and respect. I think that we're all much more aware and respectful of adoption decisions today. In my day, we were secretive about adoption. Today, it seems very open. I'm told young kids actively discuss their adoption at show and tell in school. Very difficult emotional issues. I appreciate your bringing up this topic. Please don't take any of my comments as lessening your experiences. I, obviously, have no idea what you've gone through. I thought you might be interested in how adoption is being dealt with today. Hopefully, these improvements will lessen bad experiences in the future.
I'm in Canada, so my experiences may be quite different than those you face in Houston. The province of British Columbia has licensed a number of non- profit agencies that help with the adoption. All adoptions must go through one of these agencies. We completed a homestudy with a social worker, submitted criminal records checks and various other documents and put our names on a waiting list. The birth mom actually selected our home study. The wait can be several years. (We were fortunate in that our wait was about a month!) From what I've learned, all adoptions start with a homestudy prepared by a licensed social worker. The format, and specific requirements vary by state (or province). The homestudy itself was very informative -- forcing us to discuss all sorts of issues about values, parenting, beliefs etc that we really hadn't directly addressed before. (sorry to diverge from your thread AB).
I know this is not a simple situation. I do not want you to think that the length of my answer is indicative of the amount of thought I put into this. I had a long thought out answer, but instead, let me offer a short one that as an outsider to the situation I feel she should accept. I would suggest reiterating to her your reason to find her and the curiosity (along with any other reasons) you were attempting to satisfy. You seem as though you not be holding her reason for doing what she did against her, and have accepted her for who she is and are not holding what she did against her. Out of respect, she should be accepting of the role you wish for her to have in your life and be there for you in that way. Again, you harbor no ill feelings, but your life is different today because of a decision she made not one made by you, thus if you do not want or can't give what she is looking for, she should accept what relationship the two of you have for what it is and (even if unlikely) who knows what the relationship could evolve into. She cannot reasonably expect much more than that. I bet you sure as hell are glad I did not give my long answer
AB, Thanks for telling your story. I was the "someone" who nudged you in the regret thread. It seemed that maybe you wanted to tell it. I can kind of relate with the sense of abandonment, though I was not adopted and can appreciate the difficulty of sharing something like that. KVH
