I'm going through a divorce now, and it's been the worst experience of my life. Best of luck to you, and I'm glad you aren't moving out. Moving out helped with some of the stress up front, but not being able to see my son everyday has been killing me.
I'm sorry to hear it B. It's one of the worst feeelings I've ever had. But we will get through it. There's A LOT of support here. I had no idea people here were as cool as they are. Amazing people, amazing community, great team, crappy coach.
You've got to stop coming down on yourself. Time to accept what happened and move forward. Leave the past in the past, take care of the now, and start building a future.
Well, I'll add my different perspective. First of all, I'm proud of clutchfans for supporting a fellow member through a terrible time in his life. No matter what is said or advice given, it's beautiful to see everyone "put their arms around" a stranger and help them through it. Now, I haven't read through the entire thread but have seen a few of your posts to get the gist. Just a little background on me... I was in a 7 year marriage and found out my ex-wife was having an affair. It was THE worst time in my life. It was a nightmare. Believe it or not, I tried saving my marriage through the ordeal, a lot of it being because of my 4 year old son (10 now). But, like your situation, she just wanted out no matter what. But, it was a real wake up call and I'm thankful that I "survived" and prospered. As horrible as it was to go through, I'm a better, stronger man today for it. Yes, one of the worst parts was not being with my son every day anymore AND, when she ended up staying AND marrying the dude she was having the affair with, it was terrible thinking of this man being in my son's life. It's now been 5-6 years and it still sucks to not see my son as much as I want. I don't have him for Thanksgiving this year so I won't see him for two weeks. SUCKS!!! But, I do the best I can and be the best father I can be. He's extremely happy and that's all I can ask for. Here are my questions to you.... do you love your wife? Do you want to save you marriage? Do you want to preserve your family? Forget what she is saying or even wanting.... what do YOU want? Would you do anything to have your wife's love back? If your answer is a no, that's fine. You have every right to feel those things and then you can take the great advice everyone else has given you. If you answered yes though, it's not too late. It's never too late. She says she wants a divorce, that she has tried and can't do it anymore, and so on. BUT, she's still there. She's still confiding in you about how hard it will be for her on her own. In my own opinion, I think she was hoping for your love... for you to put your arm around her, support her, comfort her and tell her you still love her. It won't be easy and it won't happen over night, but you can take back your marriage. Look at things from her perspective. Really understand what it is she can't live with. Look at the man in the mirror. Do you work too much, don't spend enough time with her or the family? Do you not give her affection? Do you never listen to her? Figure it out. Shoot, ask her if you must. Ask her what it is about you or the marriage that has brought her to this point. Don't get defensive, judge or upset. Really listen to her. Love her. Don't pressure her to stay or love you back. But, just show her the man she fell in love with. Show her the man that wants to change for her. Every day. Get the book "The Love Dare" if you need to. Read it, study it, do it... every day. Pray, pray, pray! I'm not saying it all will ultimately work. She may just, in the end, decide she still doesn't want to stay married. But, will it be worth it to try and fight for it.. fight for your child? Even if she still leaves, won't you be a better man for it? If that's not what you want to do, I won't judge you. You seem like a damn good dude and you only know what's right and what's really going on. I'm just giving my support to you just like everyone else. No matter what, I'll pray for you and I truly hope you find joy in whatever happens. If you need any help or support or just to have someone who will just "listen", you can hit me up through my account. God bless you and your family.
She only PAINTS it that she has no other choice and it's your PERCEPTION that she has no other choice. Unless she's been Suzy Homemaker and/or don't have a degree of any kind there's no reason why she can't financially provide for her and your daughter (this is not even considering the child support that you'll eventually pay). I've never gone through a divorce and I hope I won't but the many failed relationships I've been in has told me a few important things about women and one of them is that they. are. never. weak. like. they. make. themselves. out. to. be. We only perceive them as being weak and need rescuing but most of the times it is us men that fall for that trap.
You are absolutely correct. But he should know that what's done is done and shouldn't keep beating himself up over it. It's very easy to fall into a depression when going through something like this and that's not good for this situation.
Things can be repaired, and so can marriages. Just because yours may have been done and you didn't fight them doesn't mean his will be. It's not DONE until it's DONE. My homey Chamillionaire hasn't given up. #HOPE #teamChamillionaireFight
Well I am going to join the club as I am likely getting a divorce too. I think this thread is great and I am surprised at the support everyone is giving each other. Men's divorce support is a very neglected and rarely talked about issue. We are just used to sucking it up.
Thank you mogrod. I appreciate your post. Thank you. I asked her to reconsider, for the sake of our daughter. She declined. There's really nothing I can do about that. The only thing I can do in the meantime (they still live with me) is to be as kind as possible. I don't want anything to influence my daughter, she will have to go through a lot more in the very distant future. The only thing is though, the last few days, ever since my wife and I started to talk more, she's been a lot nicer to me which is nice. BUT we still have this looming divorce over our heads and it's just awkward. I feel like a freaking yo-yo, my emotions are going up and down, up and down, up and down. One way or the other, I'd like to just get on with it. Even though I was and am against the divorce, at least for the sake of our daughter, I will go through with it because I really have no choice. Remember, she wants out. Ever since the divorce talks started, I'm starting to look at women, I mean REALLY look at them the way I haven't been since we got married. I feel like a kid in a candy store. :grin: So, I'm not getting down on myself yet, I actually feel pretty normal right now. I know though in due time, I'm gonna feel like shiet and will probably have to bump this thread. Thanks again guys for the support. Good to know there are others going through the same shiet and also knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I actually read a thread about Manny's divorce (down there at the very bottom of the page) and he talked about getting on Xanax and whatnot to cope with the stress. I thought about it, but I decided against it due to my addictive nature. I've been clean for about 4 or 5 years now after some substance problems. I'm not trying to beating myself up over it, at least not yet. That part of the process isn't here yet. Remember they're still with me, but in due time they'll leave and I'll be alone. At that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling worse. When that happens, I've already told myself to take a long trip somewhere to help me move on, to help me not beat myself up over it. I'll also probably have to bump this thread.
*When I say start to look at women, I mean look at them with knowing that there's potential for something fun and meaningful. Just thought if clear that up.
There's also other threads I read (Manny's) divorce that helped tremendously. I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing rm365.
Honestly, you just need to have a more positive attitude in all this...McHale is doing pretty well for having 3 starters out for most the year. :grin: Good luck to you and all those going through divorce.
Staying unhappy with each other for the sake of the kid is wrong. Your child will grow up knowing resentment that you two have. Your child will grow up thinking this is the normal when it is not. Both choices suck for the child but do you honestly believe staying and staying unhappy with constant arguments and bitterness is how a child should be raised?
If you want to keep your family together and you believe that there may be something worth saving between you and your wife...fight for it. I've been there. Things got very dark at several points and divorce seemed inevitable, but just when it seemed like things couldn't possibly get any worse and that there was absolutely no hope for a reconciliation, everything changed. A few months later we're now planning a vow renewal/honeymoon in Hawaii. I honestly never really imagined it turning out like this. It seemed highly unlikely if not impossible just a few months ago. If you want it, fight for it and let it be known that you value her and the family you have built together. Put the onus on her to be the one to give up and end it. http://bbs.clutchfans.net/showthread.php?t=255681
