Time heal all wounds. You'll pick yourself right back up when the time is right. You need to take care of yourself because now you only have one lady to invest in and that's your daughter. I know that might sound harsh but it's the truth and that's what you should focus on after everything is officially settled. It's like thinking "I devoted my all to my wife and daughter but now I only have my daughter which means I have twice the energy, time, and love to give her". With that in mind, you need to make yourself into the best dad she can ever have which means taking care of yourself. I don't like to see/hear about unsuccessful marriages but there's always a silver lining.
You keep saying "both", but it's really her. At least, that's my observation from what you've posted. There's seems to be something she isn't saying or you are keeping to yourself that could really help the situation. I know I'm no one to know the entire truth, but it seems you are the only one that knows about these things (not us). It's saddening to hear this as an excuse. ALL are compatible and the only thing that needs to happen is that ALL need to stop being a-holes to others in a relationship like that, especially with children.
Good luck man, I admire your attitude surrounding this tough situation. Even though we are all mostly strangers, you have a lot of support here. This is why I love Clutchfans.
Here comes the guilt and feeling of failure as a husband and as a father. I've been through this and am now struggling to make ends meet. DO NOT CONCEDE ANYTHING!!! I know you want what's best for your daughter, but your soon to be ex is responsible for providing for your child when she is with her. You will pay at least 20% all insurance, and half of all medical. GET THAT EQUAL SPLIT!!! You have to be able to provide for your child while she is with you as well. You will end up resenting the fact that she will be living large on your dime. Do not give her the house. Do not give her the furniture. Do not give her primary custody. Fight for equal parenting rights in every way. TRUST ME ON THIS!
It's rare that in a divorce situation that one side is blameless. One side my hold a lot of the blame, as was the situation in my first marriage, but in order to not make those years a waste, I wanted to look at anything I did that may have helped the other make the decisions they did. Doesn't excuse those decisions, but looking in the mirror has resulted in an extremely happy second marriage.
look swoly- I generally agree with your concept. I fought like hell to keep my marriage and swallowed every bit of pride to keep a strong relationship after. What you continually miss (but I must admit - you're being much politer about it here) is that it takes both parties to understand what you've laid out. No matter how much I knew every relationships is ultimately the same with trials and tribulations that are never easy - you can't force that understanding on someone that doesn't grasp it. so no matter how much an individual tries, there does come a time you have to let go if the other party isn't willing to fight. Many times, the women have been upset for so long without saying a word that by the time they do say something, it's too late. It's a shame, but it is what it is. furthermore, 3 years out and I've never been happier. I hadn't realized how much her unhappiness had caused me to be numb. My relationship with my children is now better, she and I are friends and I joke about giving her away at her next wedding, and most importantly - the kids are happier because they get two parents at their best instead of their worst. I don't think divorce is the ultimate solution and think it's too easy a way out these days. I would have done anything to work through the issues and didn't care to be out in the field again. But again if someone is unhappy and not willing to fight, chances are they are making you miserable and their exit will help you tremendously. and when you do earn that freedom badge after holding your head up high for handling the situation with class - go and partake in the pounding of dat ass
i'm with you. my mom didn't love my dad anymore and it was obvious. i hated seeing my dad get his heart broken but even i knew at 13 years old that it wasn't going to work out. i wanted them to separate so we didn't have to deal with it on a daily basis. two unhappy parents makes unhappy children.
I agree with you. You can fight all you want...but if the other person isn't willing to fight, too, then you likely have to move on. My brother went through this earlier this year. His now ex came home one night and after he confronted her for being much later than she promised she'd be, said "I'm leaving." He still loved her very much. Yes, they had issues but it never seemed like things were nearly as bad as she made them out to be. He convinced her to try counseling but she was never fully engaged. She said in one session that she'd been thinking about leaving for 3 years. In those 3 years, our entire family flew to the Dominican Rep for them to renew their vows (her idea), they went to Greece, Scotland/Ireland, and had just gotten back from Napa Valley on what appeared to be a very lovely trip. 2 weeks later, she was gone. Later on, she said she'd actually been thinking about it for 7 YEARS. The papers were official in July and the split was amicable. It took some time but he's a much happier person now. He's actually already moved in with his girlfriend (who is one of my best friends of 25 years). It was fast but they are very happy and I'm not getting in his way...especially after what he went through. Luckily, in this situation, there were no kids. I believe you should fight as hard as you can...but staying together miserable just for the kids does no one any good. Then everyone is miserable. I've seen plenty of friends split who had kids and have made it work out quite well. I'm a firm believer in karma and that things will work out for you in the end. If you do the right things (mostly caring for your child), you'll end up much happier in the end. This year, I lost my job of 7 years while my wife was unemployed. It was hard to see it then but we are coming out of this much better. She ended up in her dream job. I landed a new job that I'm very excited about. It forced us to do something we've been screwing around with for years...moving back to the Houston area. Looking back at it now had I not been fired, I would still be in a job I was getting increasingly miserable with, she would still be working as an education asst (a job that pays little more than minimum wage), and we'd still be questioning whether we want to be closer to family or not.
I don't think anyone was saying "stay for the kid", and let things stay the same. Rather try to make it work for the child (if at all possible).
What is there to work out if the root of the problem has already been discussed and a resolution can't be compromised/found? I'm not at all trying to make assumptions as to what went on with Chamillionaire's marriage but I believe he mentioned something about trust being a factor. Speaking for myself, if I can't 100% trust a person that I'm married to, there's no point in trying to "make it work for the child". Why? Because that's the only thing that can never be fully given back in ANY relationship.
Forgive me, but I don't exactly know what this means literally... I know it's an expression... :grin: ... but who is pounding what a$$ I don't know.
Spot on, similar to what I posted earlier. Staying together in an unhappy marriage also just builds resentment and makes the eventual split that much worse when it happens. Your kids know when your marriage is unhappy. I'm GLAD my parents got divorced. Did it suck at the beginning? Of course. But they're both much happier now, I have a cool step-parent and everyone was better off in the end. It seems to me that a lot of those condemning divorce may not have firsthand experience from either perspective.
To tack onto my personal experience I actually married someone who had a child in a prior relationship. The kid is 11 and his mother and I talked to him prior to getting married and he said he's sad that his parents aren't together anymore but he rather see each of his parents happy than to see them fighting and his mother crying all the time.
I was thinking the same thing as you and steddinotayto, but not having experienced a divorce first-hand I didn't want to say anything. My wife's parents split when she was in middle school and I know it was hard on their kids, but it was unquestionably the right move in the long run. All of the kids have turned out well (except my wife, who married some bum) and both parents are now doing fine.
