I would do couples counseling first and foremost, see if there is anything left to work out. If it comes down to the both of you just needing time apart then do some temporary separation. If it's really done, then be amicable about it and like stated, treated it as a business deal. Coming from not ever knowing my biological mother, and having my father get divorced twice there after, I know what a child feels in a situation like that. Just be reassuring and always be in touch. Whether she lives with her or you, make your child your priority over everything else in your single life. Even at 5 a child can comprehend quite a bit. Don't lie to her, just explain what's going on in the simplest ways.
I forgot to add, your child will be upset. To sugar coat it if you will, explain that she will then also have two of every holiday, something to get her mind off of the real issues. But be real with her. Lying will only further complicate things. She more than likely has friends with separated parents any how. At this point in history, it's more common than not.
I think it's tainted. Not broken completely. We love each other, but maybe just not enough to stay together anymore. It's just unhealthy for the both of us for one reason or another. It's probably mostly me. I can't imagaine another guy raising my daughter. Makes my stomach turn.
I'm sorry you are having to go through the same thing. It really really sucks. There's no way about it. I'm trying to see the positive out of it, and I'm sure there's a lot, but having to give up on all the dreams and hopes of growing old together, raising a family together, etc... it's overwhelming.
man that sucks. I just want to say, everytime one of these threads pop up on clutchfans it's really depressing to read through. Makes me question if I ever want to get married, but I'm only 22. If I end up getting married at like a later age, it'll be 100% because of these threads
Man, a lot of old school and judgmental comments. As someone who came from a divorced family, it's MUCH better to split and be happy than to stay in an unhappy marriage, for you and your kid. It's going to be tough at first but make it amicable for your kid. My parents weren't "friends" afterwards but after a couple years of resentment they became really nice to each other (and now they live within 5 minutes of each other).
That's ODD. ^ :grin: BOOM. These are the things I wanted to hear/see you say/type. Please check your email, sir.
My brother recently went through a divorce himself. He called me prior to his divorce to get my thoughts and reaction to his decision. Well, just as you stated and what I told him - if you love each other, there is always an opportunity to turn the relationship around. I've been married for 17yrs and my wife and I have had our ups and downs, but we always work out the difficult situations, fights and disagreements. Divorce should not be a quick turn resolution to solving your problems. Working together, or should I say, fighting to stay together should be the resolution. Yes, I understand not all marriages will survive - but it is to accepted today to simply give up. Back to my brother. I told him exactly how I felt about the divorce and expressed I would not take the easy out and would bust my ass to reestablish the relationship with my wife. On top of that, I would absolutely do everything in my power to prevent another man raising my children and giving 'him' the opportunity to be called Dad by my kids. Well, unfortunately - my brother resented me for my statements and has stopped all communicate with me. Unbelievable!! He lost a wife, two daughters and a loving brother. Good luck Sir!!
so sorry to hear you're going through this. Having been through a divorce yrs ago I know how difficult it can be. However I didn't have any children at that time, and I can only imagine the weight on your heart right now. That said, you have a HUGE reason to try and make this work. If your wife is open to it, I would highly suggest the two of you get some counseling, and hopefully by doing so you can get to a place where you see hope. Just because your relationship with your wife is currently broken doesn't mean that it can't be fixed. You just need someone who can guide the two of you along. Based on your comments it's obvious you're not good with this. If you follow through on this (despite that inner voice--your spirit) telling you not to it's only going to lead to regret. Now you might get counseling and it still leads to divorce, but at least you'll know in your heart you did everything you could to make it work. I would go to your wife (if you haven't already done so), and ask her, for the sake of your daughter, to agree to counseling. Someone else suggested just separating for some time instead of following through on a divorce. I think this is an excellent option as well, because it will show you what life is going to be like away from your family. Yes you'll be away from the fighting, but it will also put things into perspective. You and your wife obviously have love for each other or you wouldn't have married to begin with. You've had some wonderful chapters with each other. Unfortunately you're just in a bad chapter right now. That doesn't mean that there aren't more good chapters ahead. Please keep us posted, and hang in there!
Thanks. I'll ask her tonight. I have a small window to make this right. I'll try everything I can until no more. I appreciate all of you. Really.
Praying for you! Nothing is impossible for God, in fact, He thrives on making the impossible, possible.
Great advice. Really sorry you're going through this, especially with a child. My folks divorced when I was very young and it sucks. Not much I can add that hasn't already been said except to just hang in there. Things are always darkest before the dawn. It's a cliche, but it's true. HANG IN THERE. One of my best friends is going through an AWFUL divorce right now. He has 2 young kids. He's depressed and has lost about 40 pounds. I'm worried about him, but there's not much I can do except just listen to him. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Keep us posted.
You can have an outlet. Preferably something where you get out of your house. Play basketball, hang out with friends, etc. At the same time, try to work it out. Figure out what the issues are and how to resolve them if possible. Consider marriage counseling. At the same time, have a plan b. Search for good divorce lawyers in your area and make preparations so you don't get screwed in the divorce, custody wise and financially.
I had a nice sit down with the wife, I asked her to reconsider for our daughter's sake. Her reply was that she has, many of times and she can't anymore. We have both agreed that it would be better for the both us to part ways. It's not really anything I can do. We still live together so her and my daughter are still here and they'll be here until at least January if not February or March until she can find a place to live and we sort out all the paperwork. I know once she leaves, I'll feel a void. I'll probably be depressed and doubts about myself. Not looking forward to that at all. I will ask for joint custody of course, and pay child support. At this point, my daughter's my only concern. It was good while it lasted, I need to put it behind me so that I can move on. We weren't ready when we got married. We fell madly in love off the get go and were married soon after. She was great, stuck by me through my ups and downs. I'm grateful for everything, I feel no grudge towards her. We just weren't compatible. I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks again.
I might step on some toes considering the advice given in this thread but out of all the people that say "stay for the kid" have actually came from a single-parent family? I sincerely ask this because some of y'all aren't giving enough credit to kids, especially as they get older. They can sense when something is wrong, they can sense when their parents don't love each other like a married couple should, they can see the distance, etc, and that's not ALWAYS better for the kid. Tack on the fact that the possibility of your child recognizing this loveless marriage/relationship you're also handcuffing yourself to a person that you no longer want to be with or vice versa. That in itself can make YOU feel worse as time goes on. The advice to "stay for the kid" has its merits, no doubt, but it isn't anywhere near 100% bulletproof. If you can't be happy, if you can't show/express true happiness then how are you going to raise your child happily? As I person that was raised in a single-parent household and knowing what happened between my parents that caused their dissolution I can say now that I wouldn't have wanted my parents to stay together for my siblings and I because they both would have been miserable together rather than being content and happy with their lives apart like they are now.
I'm extremely sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can only imagine how draining it is on you emotionally. It may be too late but if she is going to be staying with you until March or so, there may be a very very slight chance that she re-considers. Either way, hang in there man. Everything happens for a reason.
