[RANT] Why some people in their late 20s to early 30s stay live with their parents?

Should have just titled your thread "WHY AREN'T SOME OF MY FRIENDS AS FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE AS ME, GAAAWWWD"

 

I have a similar issue with my girlfriend's sisters. Her parents are pretty much the nicest people in the world, but they're enablers to the max. Too nice really.

They do everything for those girls and get nothing in return. One of the girls is 25, still living at home and pays absolutely nothing towards rent or costs. Still expects her mom to do all of her laundry, cook her food, chores, etc. In fact, the mom is only working because she needs the money to pay for the daughters' living expenses. She only has a part-time job and uses it to fund her clothes, going out, etc.

At first I thought this was ridiculous (it still is) but now it's getting to the point where I think the parents need to step up and do something about it. Threaten to kick them out? Give them a deadline to get a full time job? Or at least make them pay a contribution? Otherwise surely they equally guilty of the situation, in my opinion.

I know you guys have said "mind your own business" but this seems to be a huge topic every single time I see them and considering they're almost like family I feel semi-involved. Wonder if there's any useful advice I can give them?

 

Culture is one.

But here is my question:

Are they telling you they are not saving for a house? A car? School? How exactly do you know what they are doing with said savings/spending's?

Lastly, how are you qualified to start this kinda chant when you stay at home too? What makes you better than those when you do the same thing regardless if you are saving......

 

he said in a follow up post that they hit him up for money.

 

I wish I could move back to my Mommas house. Imagine all the money I would be able to save.

 

I pay rent for a place about 10 minutes from where my parents live. They are constantly trying to talk me into moving back in, and some of it sounds very appealing, my parents are cool people and aren't too nosey, but still, I enjoy my independence.

It's hard for me to understand people who have the ability to live on their own and do not.

 

You guys are forgetting most western cultures have a tradition to stay with their family until they leave for marriage. Its non of our business what other people do or live unless its a slum house. Whining about it makes you look like either a attention grabber or jealous of their leisure.

 

This is what I'd probably do instead (just saw the flick, and it's great!), but now I get to brag again on one of my kids. My son turned 22 three months ago, right after graduating with two degrees, one in computer engineering, and one in computer science, and he snagged the degrees in 4 years. He started a job four weeks ago here in Austin, has an apartment, walks to his software development gig, and is as happy as a clam, making loads of cash. One kid down, and one to go! My daughter is a senior in her magnet high school, so we have a year of not paying for college. It's one reason we recently went to New York and saw 6 plays in 10 days. Surplus bread!

Oh, and I moved out as soon as I graduated from high school, never looking back.

 

Are they friend status or just associates??

I really do not see how they spend their money reflects upon you to have to make a thread demeaning them. (and if they are friends you might want to let them look at this thread)

You are doing better than them financially, congrats on that, one of the small percentage of people who are good that and I will be honest I am not good at it but I married a woman who is

But on another hand, I am not trying to pry, it also sounds as if there is a bit of jealousy going on, for the current time. They are having fun, spending a butt load here and there while your assets just rise.

 

I have a deadbeat sister living with my mom who's in her 40s. Big ostrich who can't cope with reality. The sad part is that she had the potential to be the smartest in the family. Still very skilled, well read and social, but nothing to show for it...

I stayed at home for a couple of years after college. My dad kicked the bucket right after I graduated, so I an initial moment where I quit my job and tried to handle the situation in his wake. But ideally that would take 6 months or less, and somehow the lazy momentum dragged for a few years... I didn't live it up or keep up with the Jonesess though, but I didn't improve myself either. It was somewhat a waste of a life that could've been better. I honestly didn't know what the **** doing or where the **** I was going.

In hindsight, if I sold some stocks I had inherited before the bust in 08, I could've enjoyed those two years a lot more than I did while not being in the debt hole. (if I had any business sense, I would've sold it anyways then plunk it back in after the fall) And I think it's that "what-if" where not being prudent AND still working out that gets people who make these threads. See, having irresponsible people near a person like that is highly annoying, but nothing is worse to those people than seeing irresponsibility working itself out. Because it sticks an eye to the "sacrifice" that those people endure (but it's not really a sacrifice. Objectively, it's called "being responsible" or "being an adult"). If that's the case for you, just remember it's not about them enjoying their wreckless lives and getting away with it and more of a personality thing with you. It's not that frustrating because even if you knew you would turn out okay with some wildly fun, yet irresponsible decisions, you'd most likely wouldn't do it since you personally would rather want to turn out better than okay.

Still on the topic as a whole, I don't find noticable jealousy or animosity within me when I encounter deadbeats living it up yolo style, I just wonder if I have to support them through the government's teat or suffer from their impacts of my surrounding environment. There is a superiority complex within that, but if you're not living within your means and asking for a handout, I figure that's an abuse of the system made in good faith and I sure as hell don't want to enable that.

What a ****stain on society. This isn't even a cultural thing. There's examples of that in my distant family in Taiwan. I have a lot of personal ambition, so I wonder how people can phone it in and self destruct into long term wastefulness. When I was in that situation, I felt like I was in purgatory. How do they look themselves in the mirror at the end and say they lived a life worth having? Then again, status symbols that have no utility or long term value were never my weakness.

This goes against the conventional wisdom of storing equity in real estate. I don't necessarily find worth or status in a big home unless I have people to fill it up, but I wouldn't mind buying a home and renting it out to match mortgage payments/upkeep. Would I do both and rent? Depends on whether the location I'm renting is worth it in terms of time saved and utility.

I wouldn't poke the bear. Your gf is telling you these stories in confidence or to vent. You might even be witnessing it firsthand. Family can be open with other family, but even if you share the same air and you think you're a part of it, you better check your standing before you open your mouth.

If it's bothering your gf that much, make her take charge and back her up in a support role even if you're doing more behind the scenes.

With the act of you opening your mouth, you're taking the initiative and your gf's sis will react as you not minding his business and drag your gf down into a battle she might not be ready or willing to take up. She could even view you as a temporary hurdle and try to destroy your relationship over time.

And if your gf is not ready, then you've made the situation worse by causing a situation where the deadbeat sister is enabled even more since no one has the balls to call her out and stand their ground.

If your mom and sis is ready to take on that bear, then you'll need to perform an intervention and get as many of her friends to take part in that intervention to shatter the deadbeat's delusional reality. Treat her as a drug addict who will lie and cheat to maintain her current status quo. This entails the risk of pushing her out and alienating her completely, but it's that chance and fear that is making the family not taking a bold and unified move against that. Generally, it'll be the prime enabler who will break the quickest, so you or the family will need constant buyin from that enabler to ensure that the sister follows through and take some actionable steps into being a more responsible adult.

In my case, my mom's not ready despite the rest of the family being sick and tired of my deadbeat sister's lies and her weirdly delusional and ungrateful approach to life.

 

This topic about wreckless deadbeats reminds me of an encounter where I'm sitting in Caltrain and it's packed enough for everyone to sit in the chairs.

There are two seats per row and some seats have two facing seats across. I sit on the aisle next to a woman. A guy facing across the woman asks which station would be closer to the Sharks stadium in San Jose, but no one knew. I was working on something, but mentioned that I didn't know but I'd look it up for him.

So he starts chatting up the guy sitting next to him telling him that he's going to buy a car near there and that he was originally from Chicago. Worked at a medical center there and decided to move here for a job. Used to play sports until he started getting knee problems. Gives further detail that he was a custodian but was laid off 5 months ago, and even shows us a picture of his 6 year old son and talks about his baby's momma.

I think all three of us showed a bit of disinterest maybe because we could all presumably be uptight bastards who don't open up to randos talking to you to kill time or maybe there's some guarded paranoia of whether this guy was trying to sell us something through story that happens often enough at SF. He didn't dress white collar formal or casual, but rather very casual (profiling?).

He tries to restart the conversation with his neighbor and asks if he smokes out. Hmm okay, I guess he feels anxious or something and the sticky icky helps him chill. But then he starts bragging about a wild night at a strip bar where he had a ton to drink and some plenty of action.

This is where I start to feel seething anger at this *******. I'm still on my laptop working and doing some passive listening. I had heard his whole initial schpeal about spending time with his cute kid and looking for work in a new town by possibly buying a new car. Humanizing stuff where you want to help out another and get a leg up.

Then the other half comes along and all I could wonder about was his son and the fact that he hasn't had income for several months. Mother****er. I just had to judge even after I realized he was just bored and wanted someone to talk to. Of course, that convo was one sided so he calls his buddy and starts talking about the car he's getting and later segueing into action with his lady friend who lives here and past parties and when the next one would be.

So my stop comes up and I tell him the closest stop he should get off. He replies, "Thank you. The first person to help me in this town. Bless you." I'm thinking man...it's not my place to judge but what the **** just happened here. He probably sees himself as some victim of injustice or uptight assholes, but there's definitely a personality gap between him and others where others might just feel that he doesn't get it.

Why is it my business and who am I to judge just by the glimpse of what he's been through? Or is it maybe I should give more of a damn about it and take a risk?

 

I lived at home until I was 23 years old.

Immediately after graduating high school, I began college in the summer and continued on for the next two years until I got my degree. I didn't get a college loan, just worked two jobs through high school and college to pay for my education.

My parents were very supportive and allowed me to stay at the house in my room until I started my career, so long as I did my chores and contributed to the bills. Eighteen months after graduating college I got a job a chemical plant and still lived at home for a year, paying off my credit card debt, my parents' credit card debt and told my dad to retire since he was in poor health and close to retirement anyway.

It was a difficult three years of hard work and sacrifice, but it was also drive and ambition to make it that got me where I am today. Most of my friends were bull****ting around drinking and smoking it up in college and even afterward. To this day some of them still live at home or work jobs that they are miserable in.

IMO some people have a sense of entitlement --- that they don't need to work hard for what they have. This kind of attitude blows me away, especially when I see people buy what they want vs what they need; that's another topic for another day. If you have the drive and ambition to make it, work hard and don't get discouraged and you'll make it. Growing up my family wasn't dirt poor, but we didn't have a whole lot either. I remember hearing my parents talk about money being tight and I remember thinking to myself that I never wanted to have that conversation or be in that kind of situation.

Nothing was handed to me I had to work for everything I have and luckily my parents were there to support me by letting me live in their home while I worked hard towards a career. I think this is what is missing nowadays --- tough love, humility and ambition. I agree with what a lot of previous posters have stated in earlier posts that its okay to stay at home as long as your building towards improving your siutation, but not okay if your just skating by and mooching off of your parents.

 

Sorry but did anybody lol @ the Starbucks comment?

 

Starbucks special coffees can cost 4 bucks a pop. Coffee of comparable or better quality like Dunkin Donuts cost 2.25.

20 bucks a workweek per SB dose compared to 11.25 bucks per DD dose.
A 50 week work year?

1000 vs 562.50 .

It adds up homie.

 

Well i'm 28 and i still live in my parents house, along with my domestic partner.

Thou i have a business of my own, i also help my mom and dad manage our bigger family business.

For the most part, i also help the pay bills and such, and i even chip in money for our family business when i can.

At times I've thought on moving out and such, but up to now, practicality dictates that i'd be saving a lot more money and i'd be helping my family much more better with this arrangement.

 

I'll throw it back at you: what's the assumed rush of having to "grow up" by owning a house? So you can live in a suburban neighborhood?

What if you've moved around a lot (for education/work) and don't have strong ties to any one place? Then your next best option is to rent an apartment -- which isn't throwing money away.