I think my point of saying counseling wasn't a good idea is because you can't talk a girl into being with you. It doesn't work like that. She has to want to be with you. And behavior such as suggesting going to counseling with her is counter productive in accomplishing that. It's just a bad look all the way around.
Just sounds like a sexist statement some guys made up ages ago, and it has stuck around for some reason (cause makes some people feel better I guess). Humans in general are pretty emotional animals (as are apes in general IIRC). Men tend to be raised to hide their emotions (and the opposite for women), but that doesn't mean their emotions don't dictate their behavior. I'm not the clubbing/skirt chasing type unfortunately, but I'll have some fun. She didn't want to be with me. She made her choice at that point (and I wasn't going to win her back). If...somehow...she did want to be with me, we could get some help to talk through the issues, express our fears/concerns/etc., potentially regain security, get expert/impartial help, etc. Rather than just pretending like nothing happened (and then having this pop up again x months later). Quite frankly, if that changed her mind, I doubt I would have wanted her back anyway. No way was I going to move forward with her and behavior like that.
I should have been more specific. Men THINK LOGICALLY/Women THINK emotionally. You weren't man enough for her emotionally, therefor she felt unsafe with you as well as unattracted. YOU are a BETA MALE. Is makes up a large percentage of the male population. Women are always searching for the ALPHA. She probably came across another guy who attracted her because he was not weak emotionally, and she found him attractive. You have a chance of getting her back. Do me a favor and take my advice as I have been in your situation before. You have a case of ONEITIS. Even if she gives you a chance you will lose her. You need to dissapear, take her off her pedestal and start dating other women. Gain your confidence, change yourself, and show her the confident guy you were when you first started dating. When you have gotten over her, that will be your best chance of winning her back. TAKE HER OFF HER PEDESTAL!!!
I appreciate the help and good intentions, though that all sounds pretty ridiculous to me. Doesn't really jibe well with reality. I don't even want her back (unless she changes...but as I said, that's unlikely). Agree to disagree maybe. I already said... Game of Thrones. Actually, I just saw positives to having a friend with similar interests, and wondered if perhaps it was something that could work (doesn't seem to be working well in my case though). Kind of felt like a jerk since she wanted it too (though that might have been another lie). Figured I/we could be an adult about it all.
It may not "jive" with reality, but it is what it is. Women are not the same as they were even 40 years ago. You grow up watching movies etc, but the relationship dynamics are not in display. I have personally gone through what you have. Not the same story, but it all comes down to attraction. My life changed, after I read some attraction books(rec- "Magic Bullets" / "The Way Of a Superior Man". I had low self-esteem, was lucky enough at the time to get women I had no business getting, and because of that, overtime I lost their attraction by being weak/needy. They will change your life, and are worth every single penny. No one keeps a girl around for "Games of Thrones" and she will never change!!!! It is YOU that has to change, and she will act accordingly.
I found this idea interesting. I am/was dating a girl in a different country. I moved back to the States, yet she was/is still really, really in love with me. To be honest, the entire time we were "together" I never felt the same way about her that she did of me. I figured we would just drift apart. We sort of stayed in touch (mainly via chat and the occasional Skype call). But nothing beyond that. I have no plans to see her, and that's very upsetting for her. Ideally I'd like to remain "chat friends" with her, but like many have said, it's more than likely...unlikely. She's got all sorts of family issues and sees me as stability, even though it's evident I don't show her the affection she craves -- yet she perceives an image of me that she wants, which unfortunately isn't realistic. I'm going to have to break it off one way or another, and it is going to crush her, but there's no way around it (main reason I haven't done it yet is because she's in the middle of finals and I don't want to stress her out further).
not sure if you are being facetious but I'm not saying bridges need to be burned necessarily. But what is the point? What is achieved by being friends?
Did your ex gf (for 9 months) husband had anything going on with your wife when you guys were divorced or at any point of time? If not, I would think it'd be a little awkward for him I mean after all, you did have a piece of both. What I'm saying is I think it would be easier to feel comfortable in your shoes than his. I'm in somewhat of a similar boat like yours except they're sisters. I've been with my girl for almost 6 years, we now have kids, and it's still awkward seeing her younger sister. I'm pretty sure she has told her parents and her bf about us which makes it all even more awkward.
Best thing to do is just walk away from it. These things are very rarely mutual, best to save yourself the energy/emotional expenditure and just burn that bridge.
I think I answered this earlier (at least from my POV). I joke about the Game of Thrones stuff, but I enjoyed spending time with her (and seemingly the same for her), and not always in "romantic" ways (wasn't just a piece of flesh or whatever). Similar interests and all, including certain things that are a bit harder to find in people. Just think it is good to keep good people like this in your life, rather than just ignoring them because "it might get awkward." I understand the concern, but I guess I just look at the positives (e.g., maybe gaining a good friend) and negatives (e.g., getting hurt), and I feel like I can handle the negatives (and indeed, they do appear to be under my control, at least to some degree). Perhaps arrogant, naive, etc., but that's how I view it. Of course, I'd be careful about going about it. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not planning on being buddy-buddy with her right away (if ever). Keep a distance, take it slowly, make sure it isn't affecting me (or her?) negatively, and take it from there. That would be great. (though I question how this could be achieved easily, especially from a legality standpoint)
Earlier you said: That sounds like things are already awkward. You also said: It's not about ignoring her because it "might get awkward". It's about moving on because she is hurting herself and you, and she has no desire to change. If you are going to be friends you have to accept that she may never change and be ok with that. Your attempts to "fix" her problems may be well intentioned, but they are not going to be well recieved. This is a key reason why I don't think this is going to work out the way you hope. You are hoping to fix things and eventually get back together, but you are not in a position to try and "fix" her at this point. Any attempts to do so are likely to push her even further away. Like you said, there is a good chance she said she "wants to be friends" because she is trying to be nice, and doesn't want to just tell you to get lost, because she does have some compassion for your feelings. If her words are let's be friends, but her actions are leave me alone, it's the actions that you need to focus on. If she is contacting you, then fine. Be friends with her as the initiator. I know much easier to say move on from a relationship, than to do it, but at this point you need to focus on yourself, and if she asks for your help so be it, but any unsolicited attempts to help "fix her" are likely to blow up in your face. You need to consider if this was a guy who you were friends with, would you still be putting this much effort into saving the friendship?
Well duh. I probably didn't explain myself properly (the "duh" comment is probably a bit much since I haven't been very clear), but I've pretty much given up on being friends with my ex. Whether it was because I misread her actions (and misjudged how hurt she was), or whether she never actually wanted to be friends (but didn't want to be seen as mean), or both...or...I don't know...or care. As you said, I can't really do anything. I certainly would like to, but I know I can't. Doing anything more at this point wouldn't result in anything positive. I guess I did leave it open on the OP, though I didn't really expect much as far as advice for *right now.* And if there was anything, it would be "wait until she contacts you back (if ever), and maybe do ___". In which case, I still move on and don't worry about doing anything until then (for the reasons you mentioned). Some of those earlier comments were "general" comments. In general, I would like to be friends with my ex (this one or others), and would certainly pursue that, but if my ex isn't open to it, can't change, etc., (as is the case right now), I'm not going to pursue it. Of course, if I misread someone, I might mistakenly do so (as I appeared to do here, at least to some degree), but I won't be doing so if the actions/words are relatively clear (and I'll try to be better about reading people in the future). The rest of your post seems to be about getting me to understand that I shouldn't try to continue being friends with her, but since I wasn't really trying anymore, won't really touch on the specifics. I was only pursuing it previously based on her previous actions/communication, including continued communication despite the opportunities I gave her to actively and/or passively end any attempt at a friendship (which she didn't seem to take). I would agree with it if I was continuing to do anything based on her latest feedback (it is loud and clear what she wants now, despite her earlier talk/actions). Thanks for the responses!
An update for anyone who cares... So yeah, it was another guy. Not sure if it was an ex exactly, but definitely someone she knew before me (presumably in her head the whole time). That explains a lot. Obviously nothing I could do to make that work (the relationship or the possibility of a friendship). If an ex can't even be honest with you when she's dumping you, no way could a friendship be possible. I still like to think that if honesty is there, something could be salvageable, but unfortunately that was not this situation. Sucks, but I am happy to know the truth now. Think things never quite clicked in my head, and I had trouble completely moving on because of that (guess my instincts were right, even if I didn't want to believe it). I did resume online dating shortly after I posted this all. Or I'm trying to anyway. Nothing sticking yet (as I said, I'm pretty selective...apparently), but I'll keep at it. Obviously hurting/angry right now, but I'm staying positive and all that. BTW, semi-unrelated, but my other "family problem" seems to be going better. Since I'm being pretty damn open (and no one I know reads this anyway), I'll just say that it involved finding out my mom is a pretty bad alcoholic (bad as in...drinks and drives...and wrecks...bad.). Didn't even realize she drank, or drank often. This was something my whole family apparently hid from me (more dishonesty/hiding stuff ), though they also did little to "fix" things. Of course, I stepped in and we seem to be making some progress with that. Still a long road. I can't remember if I said this earlier, but I found that out while "opening up" to my sister about my relationship problems. So that is one good thing I take from this whole bad experience. Not sure if anything would have been done about that if things happened differently. Plus, at the end of the day, I can at least say: "WE GOT DWIGHT HOWARD!"
I feel your pain, bro. My ex was one of the most dishonest people I've ever known, and it hurts a LOT to be lied to. And I'm really sorry about your mom. But yeah, WE GOT DWIGHT! lol, that has salvaged an otherwise ****ty summer for me. It makes things a bit better haha.
