"She had HBO Go access to Game of Thrones, after all, and I hadn't seen the last season yet." good enough reason to be friends with her. you can always hit the whorehouse for sex. However, women have a secret a radar, when you move on and find an upgrade to said ex, exes that swore on the new gods to never speak to you, all of the sudden start popping up.
I missed Game 7 against the Sonics in 1997 because of my fiance's graduation. I was dying missing that game sitting through a graduation. But to this day I will say, "Honey, I missed game 7 for your graduation" to earn points...and it still works after 16 years of marriage.
It's not really about whether friendship can work out because there are going to be cases where it does and some where it doesn't. The main thing is that you aren't over her and that makes it a bad situation. Trying to be "friends" is really just clinging on to a hope to get back together. That is more likely to cause you more pain, than to work out the way you want it to. You will likely end up killing any chance of any relationship of any type both now and in the future if you try to persue this right now. I know easier said than done, when your heart probably wants you to do anything and everything it can to get back together right this second. Moving on now actually will give you the best chance of things potentially working out if you try again in the future though, or having a lasting friendship down the road.
That's all you can do sometimes. It might not even be anything in your control. As for the rest, it seems like your heart was in the right place. Mistakes will happen when two people are in close proximity. What's a mistake for one girl might be preferable for another. try not to fall into the tap if over analysis
This is good advice. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. That does not mean you did anything wrong. Some people just do not connect.
Hmm...I agree to some degree, although as I tried to point out earlier, I don't really see any point in having her back with her "faults" (or what I see as her faults). I wouldn't welcome her back tomorrow if she knocked on my door. I know what being in a relationship with her would be like. I still care for her, her well-being, enjoy her company, etc., but I know that wouldn't be a good idea. Essentially, I want to get back with a person who does not exist (and 99.999% likely will never exist). Not my ex. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe I'm deluding myself. I just look at it as there would be plenty of positives to a friendship, and as long as I'm true to myself (and I usually am), I can handle all the awkwardness/etc. Regardless, I was planning on moving on with other people anyway, and I was absolutely not going to let that be impacted by any kind of friendship with my ex. Indeed, if I felt like I couldn't date someone else, I wouldn't feel safe about pursuing a friendship. I admit that this probably is an issue for me to some degree. I have difficulties accepting vague answers like "it just didn't work out" or "we just didn't connect." The latter is particularly bothersome to me since I know we did connect, at least in some ways. Though you need more than that to have a healthy relationship IMO (I didn't know that before though). It is hard for me to accept vague answers for other things, and I don't particularly care to get them with relationships either. I don't worry about beating myself up or anything. There's no point to that (what would I get out of that?). I realize that I can't go back in time to give myself the knowledge I have now. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I probably do worry too much about getting answers though. This has to be a learning experience for me IMO. I actually feel like I have some pretty good answers that would explain things though. I haven't fully divulged them here because I wasn't particularly interested in feedback on that...ended up spilling some details due to off-base theories here though. Those answers appear to (IMO) explain both of our actions, and why things ended more or less the way they did (how we both contributed to it). It is just a one-sided analysis based on my knowledge* (and I would have liked to have gotten my ex's perspective at some point, out of curiosity), but it does satisfy me for the most part. I can grow from it (more so than "she's screwed up" or "it just didn't work out"). And I think it helped make me a better person, boyfriend, etc. Haven't really bothered to analyze my (failed) attempt at a friendship, though maybe this thread was an attempt at that. I don't particularly care for that as much. I can leave that up to "eh...didn't work out." I think I was talking about that in my earlier post for some reason (even though we were talking about the relationship at the time). Maybe I'm getting my current thoughts mixed up with my past thoughts from time to time, due to the various talking points. I generally try to stay positive, if that makes sense? I like to do the analysis stuff (it was kind of fun to me since I combined it with "science"), but if it just makes me negative, no way would I go through with it. * I actually kept a journal, plus the chat/email logs, so there was lots of "knowledge" to go through (I didn't get too crazy with it though, just reviewed over it all once out of curiosity).
I keep talking around it, but this was one of the books I read after the break-up: http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight.../031611300X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372181461 I thought it helped me "analyze" things in a positive way. I guess it is more for couples that actually want to stay together (I had to skip some sections that assumed that), but I liked its explanations for people's behaviors (thought it explained my actions, her actions, other people's actions, etc.). Possibly could have helped if I read it before. Not necessarily to save the relationship, though maybe I would have seen the warning signs a bit sooner, and saved us both some time and pain (and again, I don't beat myself up for not knowing that at the time).
Read Doc Love articles. What matters is HER interest level, not yours. In other words, it doesn't matter how much YOU like or care about the girl, or that you think she is perfect, the only thing that matters is what SHE thinks of you.
Does he get very sciencey? Skimmed through a bit, and just seems like any other relationship coach. Not to say it isn't helpful (I'll give it a shot), but I tend to flock more towards that stuff. edit: Kind of disagree with that statement too, though could be semantics. edit2: Bah...there's some mixed reception to him online (seems like legit criticisms). That's disappointing. I'll still give it a shot though.
Not sure about science, but he does a good job of explaining as logical as possible. And women aren't science, and unlike men neither are they logical, they are emotion driven. Example, you can't convince a woman to be with you. She has to WANT to be with you. That's why the counseling angle I don't think was a good idea. A woman who isn't all that interested in you couldn't be bothered to go through counseling sessions, she just doesn't care enough.
The counseling thing didn't matter at all. It was all over before I even brought it up. And as I later stated, I didn't necessarily offer it as a way to just help with the relationship. Was basically, "I need it for me, if you want some, we can go together, otherwise continue with you little disconnect phase." Skimming over more Doc Love stuff, not really fond of it (some is good/true, some seems off/irrelevant). Don't agree with these basic premises about men/women, logic, etc. Both are driven by emotion (I was, and pretty sure she was). Given the emotions, the actions are actually pretty logical.
Psychology and trying to understand people's behavior can be interesting, but lots of times you just aren't going to find out why a relationship didn't work out because the other person isn't going to tell you the truth. Whether it's because they are trying to protect your feelings by not being blunt about their reasons, or because they don't want to be confrontational, or are afraid of commitment, or whatever. The more you try to "fix" the problem, when you don't even really know what the problem is, the more it is likely to push them away, so your efforts to help actually hurt your chances. Seeking counseling for yourself is a postive way to deal with your emotions, but mentioning it to some one you have dated for such a relatively short time is likely to freak them out.
Not surprised if it did freak her out, nor do I really care that much at this point. If she actually DID want to continue with the relationship (unlikely, but whatever), it was the best route to take though. At that point, there was lying, a huge disconnect, already talk of breaking up, doubts about whether we actually were compatible, etc. We were not at all secure in our relationship, and I don't think both parties were interested in making it work. I'm not likely to do that in "normal" situations (though hopefully my partner would be open to talking, being open, etc.). A lot of you seem hung up on that part, so I don't know if I explained it properly. I don't really have any problem with what I did regarding that, and I really wish she took me up on that offer...and not just talking about couples counseling, but counseling in general. Not that she would listen, for reasons mentioned, but I can say I tried at least. As for the psychology stuff, I primarily used it to examine my own behavior, my own feelings at the time, etc. I came up with some educated guesses about how/what affected my ex to act a certain way, though I agree that at the end of the day, it is just a guess. It makes sense to me though, and as someone who would like an answer, it gives me better closure. Ideally, I'd rather not have to do that (just get the answers direct from the source), but in absence of that, I don't mind taking this approach. I generally won't be able to use it to "fix" someone anyway (if doing this DURING a relationship, both parties should be open, in which case the answers are more accurate and not just guesses). FWIW, I never really told her my "guesses" for her behavior, nor did I directly do anything to fix it (these "guesses" were formulated fairly recently). I've suggested talking things over, but that's about it. Perhaps I would have pushed certain things if we ended up being friends, but I wasn't going to bring that up during this fragile time. (well...I threw in some "maybe you need counseling" comments during the break-up call, but lots of hurtful things were said both ways during that call...I apologized for that of course)
Men are Logical Women are EMOTIONAL No such thing as LOVE, its CALLED attraction. Stop talking to her for atleast 3 to 6 months. You will heal and move on She will either come back or you will have moved on. Win Win. Take control of your life, because she obviously stopped giving a CRAP about you! Sorry for the harsh words, but all of us have been through this. And until she says she wants to try again etc, dont respond. When you do, make sure you have already healed. She broke up with you because she wasn't attracted to you. She needs someone who is emotionally strong. Counseling isn't going to turn her on BRO.
Where is the evidence that men are logical and women are emotional? Seems like silly talk, and certainly not true based on my own experiences (as if ALL men and ALL women could somehow behave the same way). (Appreciate the help otherwise, though this kind of stuff stands out to me.) edit: Personally, I think emotion drives all actions (though we may try to use logic/reason to justify actions).
You must be fairly young RC. Because as an older guy, I find this highly accurate in a general sense. As for the topic, it is gonna hurt, but it will get better - go have some fun, get out, chase some skirt, hit the clubs, and soon it will pass and someone else will come into your life. Oh, and for the record - if you find a girl that likes video games - marry her ! DD
