RC Cola, everything you are doing, you're making it worse. You know how they say the tighter your grip the further you push her away? Also, stop looking at women in rose colored glasses. They are human, just like men, and can be selfish and cold. Lastly, actions speak louder than words. If what she SAYS contradicts how she is ACTING, pay attention to her actions, not her words. It also doesn't make you look good if you're appear clueless and can't take a hint.
I don't know what to say. Everything I want to say would probably be construed as mean. Simply, I'll say move on with your life. Don't try to be friends. I've only had 2 serious relationships, so I'm hardly an expert, but the 1st one was hard. Took me years to move on with my life. I was in love, she wasn't. Simple as that. As friends, the fact that we had a mutual attraction was always hanging over us. We'd reconnect on occassion, which wasn't healthy for me. Life couldn't move on until she wasn't a part of it anymore.
Unless you have an ongoing issue that you need to talk with each other about (you have a child together, you own property together, you work together, whatever), I don't know why you'd bother. There are 6b other people in the world you can be friends with.
Game of Thrones, man. Game of Thrones. Yeah, guess I could just spend the money and get it myself. (But what about all that Hakeem gear she has?) Honestly, in the back of my mind, I would like to get back with her. Or the "fixed" version of her anyway. I'm not sure that will outright change given the way things ended (I can't hate her or anything, and the good stuff was pretty good), at least until I find someone else. I do realize that the "current" version of her, who refused to talk, get help, open up, etc., is not someone I want to be with. As you said, I'm glad it happened now and not later (though wished it happened sooner). No doubt in my mind that if that morning never "happened," something similar would have happened shortly after (as soon as some problem arose that made her want to seal herself off from me). It is there to some degree, but I wasn't necessarily wanting to be friends just to be back together in 2-3 weeks (especially if she wasn't going to acknowledge any of her faults). I suppose part of it is wanting to be a "white knight" and all that too. I probably have too much of that in me. Feel like I don't mind getting hurt in the long run, but if I can help someone somehow, I'd happily take on the pain (or risk of it). She didn't seem to have many close friends (especially her age), or people to talk to locally. Seemed very alone, to herself most of the time, etc. I had people I could talk to about tough things, but I don't think she did. Bad idea, I know. But again, easier said that done. (and as mentioned earlier, even as chat pals, I think I could have fun talking with her about silly things) Definitely feel like I can put my feelings aside, though not sure if she can. I forgot, but this reminded me...she threw out "bad timing" and other stuff during the break-up call too (seemingly implying if we met at some other point in life, maybe this wouldn't be happening?), which just further confused me. Her message was all over the place, which I admit hasn't helped my psyche (why I wanted to have a talk to clear up things, and help transition to friendship/whatever). I do question whether we might be right for each other, but just not right now. Though I'm not going to hold up my life waiting to find out. I'm assuming by troll response, you mean not serious (i.e., I don't need to respond/take this seriously). If that's isn't the case, I can definitely say without question that your assumptions were wrong. I admit to this to some degree, though it isn't as easy as you make it out to be. Her actions (and words) were all over the place. I've been a little more open with family and my counselor, and they were generally supportive of what I was doing (though as I said, I wrongly assumed that I was worse off, so I was probably a little impatient...though hard to tell that with no communication, actions or words). (not sure if you quoted that one post to agree with it, but again, some very wrong assumptions made) edit: Just to clarify, in my first email post-breakup, I told her that while I was open to being friends, if she didn't really want that (for whatever reason), don't respond, etc. I'd be fine with that (we don't have to see each other, no more contact, etc). She responded to that and others. Hence me trying to pursue that.
How old are you, RC? If you're in college or younger, I'd say give it time and maybe you can be friends later on down the line. After all, you do have a lot in common and it sounded like you guys really clicked. My first college GF dated and got along great but after the breakup we took turns *****ting on each other every chance we got. After a year or so of avoiding each other we happened to meet at a party and the friendship kind of happened from that. If you guys are young you both probably have some maturing to do. Sure, you see the good things in her but as you said you'd want to be with the "fixed" version of her. What you have to realize is she isnt "fixed" right now and its not your job to "fix" her either. She is who she is and she'll become who she'll become. Like one of the previous posters said, ignore what she's saying and pay attention to her actions. Leave her alone and let her deal with whatever it is she has going on. You aren't helping. If you're say 25+ don't bother. There's a ton of bishes out there.
You said that you were together about a month and a half. That's not a long time, RC. Heck, back when I was dating, I rarely used the L word, and when I did, it was when I had been with someone for several months, and she was living with me. Then I might have gone there. And I never suggested counseling to a chick, ever, and I was in some pretty crazy relationships. My guess is that internally, she was getting frightened of the speed with which the two of you were developing that relationship, so she broke it off. She really did care for you, so of course she ended it badly (that part doesn't surprise me at all). When you raised counseling as an option, she probably got even more afraid of that serious a relationship, and essentially ran away from it, which meant running away from you. Maybe you were being too "logical." Love is frequently anything but logical. My two cents, at any rate, and only knowing what you posted. Hey, good luck. You're a good guy, from what I've seen here over the years. You'll find someone that isn't frightened of commitment. Maybe go a bit slower next time?
Damn, I misread that as a year and a half earlier. Wow... You ask your wife to go to counseling, not a girl you have only even known for a short period of time.
Going off what Deckard said...I'd agree that it was a commitment thing and it was probably issues that she has that had her shying away from the seriousness of it all. RC, you seem like a relationship kind of guy...and from what you've said, she seems to either be too immature or have enough issues where she isnt the relationship kind of girl (that may change in the future, maybe). So, as long as you have those feelings for her, I dont think it's a good idea for you to remain friends, only bc you'll just be constantly teasing your emotions when you talk/chat/hangout, etc... The best thing would really be to move on, look up other girls on OKCupid, meet people out, start other relationships/friendships, etc... You really just need to shift the focus, imo...otherwise, I think you'll just be wasting your time. Once you've really moved on from her, then you can be friends...just doesnt seem like the time is now. And really, if you've moved on and you are happy, you may never get that itch to be friends with her. It's her loss. Good luck.
If you admit to wanting to get back together with her then trying to be friends is much more likely to cause you pain, rather than to work out how you want it to. You can say you can seperate your feelings and make the just friendship work, but it's easy to say it and harder to do it. Move on and after you have fallen for someone else, if you still feel like you want to be friends down the road then revisit it after you are 100% over her. Most people are going to be scared off if you mention counseling after a month and a half. If your relationship needs counseling that soon, then there is a good chance you just aren't right for each other. You should also do yourself a favor and try to find some one who doesn't have massive emotional problems that might require counseling that you have to be a "white knight" for. It might be good intentions, and no one is perfect, but relationships can be hard enough without any extra drama to complicate them.
I am on good terms with every girl I had a relationship with. I don't hang out with them much but talk occasionally. It usually takes a while for both parties emotions to subside. I never been in a horrible relationship were I lost all respect for a girl though.
Just read your post on this page. If you still want to be with her then I would say it does not sound healthy. If you are not completely infatuated with her then you might be okay.
Do you talk with exes while you are in a relationship with other girls or only when you free of commitment? Im on good terms with all my exes, but when Im in a relationship, I pretty much lose all contact with them.
I missed that part too. This changes things. If it's trouble (and it sounds like it is) then forget about it and move on. Otherwise, it could work. I dated a girl for about a month before we stopped seeing each other. We never did the deed, but we did more than a kiss or two. One day she AIMed me and said she wasn't attracted to me anymore. I actually really appreciated the straightforwardness of that and we remained in contact for a year or so, when she told me she wanted me to take her V card before she started college. I was happy to oblige, but had moved away. I offered to make the 6 hour drive for some virgin vag, but it didn't work out. I still think about that whole deal sometimes. She was a soccer player and was in amazing shape with a nice tight body. God damn what could have been. Anyway, from the sounds of it, you should just back away.
Based on personal experience, the only exes that I still communicate with are ones that weren't that serious or ones that I reopened communication with much later. There can't be even a hint of romantic interest (on either end) or it will be awkward, especially if you get into a subsequent relationship at any time. Now, I've been in your shoes. I'm reading the subtext of your desire to remain friends as a way to stay connected with someone you still have feelings with, without having to admit to yourself that you still have feelings for them. At least that's where I've been before. If you have no romantic feelings for her anymore, then ignore the next part of my post... Spoiler ...but if you do still have romantic feelings for her, take solace in this. This relationship would never have worked. There has never been a healthy relationship that had trust and communication issues within a month. Ever. People may try and trick themselves that they've found someone special, but people that are truly meant for one another don't hide their address from their boyfriend. They don't communicate primarily by email unless it is the only option. They don't act shady when questioned about what is bothering them. Couldn't agree more with the poster that said actions speak louder than words, and her actions are screaming that she doesn't want much to do with you right now for whatever reason. Sorry if that sounds rough, but you don't need to worry about someone who isn't worrying about you. And no matter what she says to you, her actions say she isn't worrying about you. My advice: forget her, man. The longer she is in your life, the more you will think back to the "good ol' days" and you'll keep romanticizing them as better than they actually were. Every relationship I've ever been in has made me a better boyfriend. Use this as a learning tool and get back out there whenever you feel ready. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but you'll find yourself one day thinking how silly you felt worrying about that one girl who got weird after only a month.
