just yelled at the wife for first time ever

I still don't understand how he knows she is lying unless she told him. Again, you mentioned lying a couple of times in your post yet hotballa, himself, has not said anything about her lying and you are the one who brought it up.

I have a relatively easy going demeanor, but I just don't find it that important to be right about things. It's a losing propostition to get into a "he said, she said" argument so why waste the time and effort doing so?

You are correct that I have faults, but I am wondering what changes you know of that I had to make - please enlighten me.

 

I added my reasoning to the post. Read it again.

I don't know you. Have no idea what changes you had to make nor what changes you still need to make. But the odds are about 99% that you still need to make some changes.

 

You are making assumptions in everything you wrote. I have no idea if she was lying or not, but I am using hotballa's own posts throughout this thread and he has not used the word lie or deceive or any simlar word in any of them.

Still not quite sure what changes I need to make. I have been happily married 30+ years. I have raised two kids that are not a drain on society and have their own families. I have worked at the same job for 27+ years. I am happy in my life and the choices I have made. I think my family likes me and I know I have friends that do. So, why change?

 

You should change just so his advice doesn't look so immature.

 

I did not assume he had not yelled at his wife for 10 years. I never said he said she was lying. What I said was in his subconscious he realizes she is lying. I'm the one that pointed out that she is lying to him. Just because he didn't say it doesn't mean it isn't so. And just because I said it doesn't mean it isn't so.

Why change? So just because you've been married for 30+ years and raised two kids that are not a drain on society and have their own families and you have worked at the same job for 27+ years and are happy in life and happy with your choices and you "think" your family likes you and you have friends that do, you don't want to continue to change for the better? How selfish is that? And are we supposed to be stupid enough to believe that you got where you are at right now without making any changes?

Well, you seem to be at odds with my advice to him. What is your advice?

 

Responses like yours are what is immature.


Everyone should continue to change throughout their lives, in order to become more mature and better people. Otherwise, you'll become an old stick in the mud.

 

I think jopatmc interpreted the argument hotballa had with his wife and assumed a lot of things out of nothing. Don't know if it's reasonable to interpret the whole thing in your own, subjective way and then give drastic, life-changing advise based on your completely made up assumptions.

 

since when is giving a sincere apology and moving on life-changing advice? Get real.

 

I'll gladly take being an "old stick in the mud" than some of the drama I see on this BBS. If I enjoy my family, my faith, my life, my job, my responsibilities, my causes, my friends, and my stuff and I am considered to be a good person by those I care about - why change?

 

"Tell her no man wants to be with a woman that argues and tries to stir up a fight. Ask her kindly not to do that again and be done with it. Then wait to see how she responds. If she responds positively, then you can continue to make it up to her by being nice, etc. But if she acts like a little spoiled brat you know what then she's testing you. Go about your business of ignoring her and start paying extra special attention to other women you are around that are nice and polite. Let her know through your non-violent actions that you aren't going to take any crap off her. If she wants to draw you back to it, laugh at her and say, I already took care of that, grow up and be a real woman. And go back to ignoring her until she comes around.

If she doesn't come around and cranks up the intensity by threatening to leave, etc., don't budge. Believe me, she's not worth having if she's gonna play those games. You gotta get her to come straight with the games. Two adults should be able to move past mistakes, learn from them, and bury them. If she can't do that, then she ain't good enough for you."

That's more than advising him to simply apologize and you should see it.

 

Again, you are making an assumption about her lying and it is presumptuous of you to point it out to him. Why did you find it necessary to bring it up? How do we know he is not the one who forgot?

I have no real advice for him since I do not know him or his wife and I am only hearing his side of the story. All I can offer is my experience and that is that I have never found it necessary to yell or scream or curse at my wife because being right is not that important to me and I know that both my wife and I have forgotten what the other has said on occasion.

If loving my family, being hardworking and loyal to my employer, being a good friend, being faith filled and being generous in charitable causes makes me selfish - then I am selfish and I'll carry your label proudly.

 

Dear Abby,

Your job is safe.

 

He said he told her. She said he didn't.

Now he says she forgot. Because he knows he told her. What he's confused about is the fact that she lied to him. But he's twisted it into being about her forgetting since he knows that's easier to deal with than the thought of her lying to him, which is what the original argument was about according to his own words. He's lying to himself to deal with the fact that she is lying to him.

So he knows she is playing games. And he is playing games too at this point instead of taking care of business, apologizing for it, confronting her about the lie, and moving on.

So, he apologizes, and she confesses she was trying to piss him off because she was upset about him talking about one of her friends boobs. (Hopefully she confessed that she was lying to him too.) Any way you look at it, she was lying. If he didn't tell her and she was arguing with him because she was upset about the boob talk, then her original argument was the lie because she should have just told him how the boob talk bothered her instead of playing games with him. And if he really did tell her (which I suspect is what happened) and she intentionally forgot and then tried to lie that he didn't tell her just to piss him off, she's still lying. Any way you look at it, she was lying.

And here's the rest of the story. What finally comes out is she is becoming sensitive to all the joking around about boobs. Why? Well, they've been married 10 years. She's always known up til now that she's got it for him and he's got it for her. But now it's ten years...she's getting older...and much more sensitive. Typical woman. Worried about them sagging...worried about all the younger women out there that could attract her husband. Totally understandable. Just tell the truth about it. Don't lie and make it worse. Us guys are generally dumb and rather insensitive. And remember, you're changing the rules on us, ten years in.

At the bottom of all this...he did a piss poor job and reacted instead of responding.

Hopefully it all works out for them and he makes her boobs feel like a million dollars and he confronts her about her lying and she quits lying and he doesn't yell at her anymore.

peace out, i'm done.

 

^^
Think you should really stop interpreting everything and making up a story and revealing the "true" meaning of this. You are not involved and don't know who's right, you are 100% assuming based on little text paragraphs that are only showing hotballa's thoughts, not that of his wife.

 

How do you know he is not the one forgetting?

 

The more i think about it. if she never made you scream at her in so long and she made you do it now. then she really f'd up. Now that you have this power to scream at her and make her shut up, its best not to abuse it.

you need to learn to control it. save it for when it really counts. if you use it too much it will lose its effect.

 

jopatmc is one neurotic mofo

 

No need to apologize to us. jopatmc kept the thread interesting.