Obviously after 8 years you guys really care for each other. I'm sure getting torn between her parents and you was really stressful. You were good to take it upon yourself to bow out so she can have her day stress free. But now you have to meet this issue headon.
Nope. I would of done the same thing. As long as you guys are dating, her Dad will be her priority. Once you're married, you'll be paying for everything for her so you better be king of the hill. Don't make this so hard for yourself.
I'm not Indian, so I'm less likely to understand parents, culture or customs... I don't know when you would confront the father (I do know it isn't now), but when it happens, carry yourself with dignity and strength. Don't be resentful or angry. He obviously sees your dad when he looks at you...well **** that noise, and he or his expectations are not the party you want to impress. The main goal is to reach some common understanding that your girlfriend, her daughter is the one that's more important here. I would assume that a father would be more accepting of someone he respects, but if not, you both have grad degrees and are far less dependent on your parents than before. I would advise against forcing the issue upon your gf to choose. You have to fight this battle with her dad first. Then let her see what the father is doing to you and allow her to decide if she wants to stand up to him. Family bonds and face are highly important and ingrained in some cultures identity. You don't want to confront that head on if you haven't already. A big reason is that while she hasn't resolved her issues with her parents (and may never will), she'll always feel that twinge of guilt if you force her to rebel, and sooner or later, that guilt will be turned on you. So lay the roads down for her to be more vocal, and make it known that all you want is for her to happy. Above all, keep your dignity and respect, and don't be a wuss about it. All of that is possible. You just have to try harder and decide if she's worth it.
There's two ways you can get what you want: you can kiss ass, or you can flip him off. But that's not the key determinant. The key determinant is whether she is with you no matter what. If she is not, your chances are slim, and your relationship will probably always be hanging by a thread. If she is not willing to let go of her safety net, then she is probably not with you. This is logical, because there are only two possible answers: (1) I'm 100% with you no matter what or (2) I'm not sure. No one ever literally says "I pick my dad, bye", it's usually the hints that give it away. If she needs time and space to figure it out, then give her time and space. It's worth it, and it's an extremely difficult decision. If he is such a firm believer in an 'educated' family as a principle, he would trust his educated daughter's decision, and he would trust that his educated daughter can make her own way in life. If he was going to be deciding who her husband will be when she is in her mid to late twenties and finished a grad degree and has had 8 years to analyze the situation, then he might as well have raised her in a cave. All the signs point to him wanting a rich person with status such that he can boast about it to other superficial people. You have to wonder if he's doing this for her, or himself. Of course to be fair, we haven't heard the dad's side of the story. Good luck. Living in the Middle East, I have seen this issue literally hundreds of times. A friend of mine got rejected by her father because he was not as tall as she is and, although he worked for Deloitte at the time, was only pulling in an average salary. He tried to convince the father many times, meeting him face to face, the works. Eventually he said to her that it's him or dad. She said "I can't make this decision". He bolted. I **** you not, he is one of the highest paid people at his age in this country working as a financial analyst for the biggest fund in the world as we speak. There's a lot of things you can't buy. Status isn't one of them.
You can't expect her to just ignore her father just b/c he does not acknowledge you. The only thing that should matter to you is that she does. I think you just give her space on that situation and be little unselfish.
This right here sounds GOOD: I was going to post something similar to this. I wished people stayed away from stereotypes. Being Desi or just any other "kind" of skin color, descendant, religion, etc., doesn't really matter in this case. The advice from CometsWin is that of "trying", because you'll eventually talk to him, whether today, tomorrow, or 10 days... and you don't want that gray cloud over your relationship. If you truly love your gal, you'll agree to do things FOR HER. Let her know ahead of time, so she isn't surprised that her dad and you are "pals" after that. ALSO, I agree with QDoubleA said... that you are probably leaving a key part out. If you promise anything to her dad, you better go through with it, or he will hate you EXPONENTIALLY worse.
In many cultures, it's the parents that pay. Not sure if that's the case with Desi culture, or even if so, if American Desi's follow it.
My friend who is white fell in love with an asian girl and her father was disapproving and told him to mow his lawn. The kid kept doing it every weekend until finally the dad saw how much the kid respected him. Point being: maybe you aren't showing respect, even if you think you are.
I was just prolonging the 'talk' with the dad till she was done with school but I guess I have to do it real soon. That's the big variable out there right now. How he will react or respond.
Bingo. Guys , especially ones from more traditional cultures are all about respect and hierarchy. You are screwing that up and just be very respectful. You have been with her for 8 years but how long did her parents take care of her? More than 8 years. You truly don't know jack sh**it about what the dad did or didnt do growing up. He doesn't like your dad? big f-ing deal ! You sound like you are down for there to be friction, and you are acting like a little girl 'are you going to choose me or him' what kind of sh**it is that? are you a girl in 8th grade? blood is thicker than water and you are asking your gal to choose? that's some of the gayest sh**it I have ever heard. Respect the dude and respect her. Stop making it into a 3rd grade sh**it show, or pee pee games Ziggy might say. You are better than that. It wasn't YOUR graduation, maybe you should be a little more cognisant of the fact SHE is the one that graduates. Sounds like someone (probably you) made the situation awkward 'uhh baby you want to choose me or your dad' when you could have just gone or waved to her..something.. Afterwards you have to expect she will eat with mom and dad and unfortunately that's the way these things go. Sounds to me like you are as worried about controlling her as he is and that is a macho pee pee game that usually doesn't end well. You are the one smashing that.. take pride in that and show dude a little respect.
So the important question here is, why does her dad feel this way about you? Did something happen between the both of you? Do you have a checkered past that he knows about? Or is he just an ******* that wouldn't like anyone regardless of how upstanding that person may be?
he's saying the dude doesnt like his dad since his dad is not educated or not high class. something along those lines. I agree with you there is more to it and perhaps the OP is making it as awkward as the dad is. This is macho p***y control 101 and OP is losing to pops. It shouldn't be about that and we've all lost sight of the reality and that is that she graduated..somehow it has morphed to choosing someone and this bbs egging him on. as folks like to say around here smh as tinman might say just a little respect might be in order <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5pwzy-oVx7k" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> http://youtu.be/5pwzy-oVx7k pee pee games.. haha has that been trademarked yet? DD
No offense, but you sound like a girl. Graduations suck. Just because it one of yalls fav restaurants doesnt mean she can never go there without you. Who cares what her dad thinks, as long as it doesn't affect her feelings towards you. Don't know you or her dad, but he must have a reason for not liking you. I see my inlaws like once a year, and that's more than enough.
Sajan, if you want to have any decent chance of keeping your relationship with your GF, I suggest you follow CometsWin's advice. Hell dude, considering this is an 8+ year relationship, you should have done this YEARS ago. Assert yourself. I think that chances are very high that this relationship will end in heartbreak.
