Well I hope it didn't come across that way because I was genuinely try to give him constructive criticism, which is what he asked for...
young emcees my name is apps i’m soon takin’ off to fap some faps op dude wrote a little dirge i’m here now but i got the urge not so sure i liked what i read off i go to the best ass thread
I have a Lit degree and have studied contemporary and modern poetry. The critique you have gotten in this thread by Apps is pretty solid. As a word of encouragement, your poem is moving and it moves...it doesn't drag. The way to get better at writing poetry is to write more poetry. I think you have some good building blocks, just keep at it. If this turns into a post your poetry thread...I'll take a shot with some blank verse I have written recently.
Well, I'm interested. I don't think OP would mind if others were to share there poetry in this thread. It is an "interest in poetry" thread, anyway. I would love to see some Clutchfans post their poetry. We can get to see a different side of our posters. :grin:
I am aware that there are rhythmic weaknesses. But constructive criticism is welcome. The Ballad of Beto Alarcón East Houston Thursday Every color of the rainbow represents Long as it is black or brown My boy Beto, was half of each Color of coffee drunk by people who don't like coffee The white has taken flight Cept for us too poor or drunk, or reverse classist to want to Poor old Beto, who maybe stole something Whack went the batons Cept for the last one It was more like crack Beto has a nice sip and puff wheelchair now Welcome to cop-worshiping East Texas From whence juries are drawn For every cop there are 25 wannabes who work security, or fast food Police scanners on their dining room tables The only thing more beloved than cops are soldiers Both of these guys were soldiers, then cops Heroes having a ****ty day Word on the street is Beto spat on them I am sure he did, hell he spat on me once “If he wasn’t guilty why did he run!” Lethal aging 5’7 power forward at Greenwood (or ******wood if you are so disposed) Skinny as a rail from all the coke smoke when he was younger and knew less Armed with the bag of lemondrops he carries everywhere I am sure they feared for their lives Crack went the gavel, not guilty they say I heard an old woman angry that the nice policemen were suspended without pay Beto puffed his wheelchair hard right, into the parking lot
I take it this isn't a blank verse piece of yours, unless you meant to say free verse, because it's not in iambic pentameter. I like this, though I usually have a pretty strong distaste for political leaning/activist minded poetry. For the most part it flows nicely, however, a few lines read awkwardly: "The white has taken flight", "Welcome to cop-worshiping East Texas", "I heard an old woman angry that the nice policemen were suspended without pay" and a couple of other interjecting phrases. It becomes a bit too partisan during these passages and subsequently takes on a more heavy-handed tone. I think if it were to be read in a classroom aloud by an impartial speaker, for example, it would exert too much of a bent on him/her, thus limiting its own appeal. The subject and the tone makes me feel like it's more suited for slam, where the original author would be able to deliver it the most evocatively. My two cents. What's up with the end, by the way? It's a bit abrupt...
The first couplet could really stand a more metric approach, since you're using an indirect rhyme. How's this? A flatulent breath from my ass Exhausted me, at last it's passed; Now there's a mark reminding me That washing will be agony!
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All y'all fools need to learn from the master: Spoiler <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5cH-yoY1zEU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Love me some poetry especially Keats, Shelley, Coleridge, Wordsworth, and Byron. I wrote a LOT of poems during my courtship and first year or so of my marriage. Now I only write a poem (always Shakespearean sonnets) when I get very emotional such as spending a week with my 3 year old son this past Christmas Break; too emotional and personal to share here.
Thanks I agree with most of the critique and most of my poetry is apolitical...but this was a case from my own neighborhood so I didn't pretend to be impartial. (I also have friends on the force). As far as the ending goes, I wrote it as part of a lengthy internet writing contest and with 100 entries to read voters quickly get into Tl; Dr territory...and I haven't revisited it. And I meant free verse, sadly the more formalist I write the more I sound like a third grader.
I'll post a poem but I write purely in stream of consciousness form, its kind of like a written freestyle brain vomit. I do it more as a mental exercise as I realize they really don't have any place in modern literature.
