[Advice] Caught between mom's lies and dad's abuse and obliviousness

People make mistakes. Hopefully one day you and your sister can make peace with the actions of your parents... they are human. When you get older and life is more complicated, you will understand more.

With that said, they should probably seek some serious therapy between both couples therapy and anger management for your dad. If you mom told you something in confidence, you should keep it that way but tell her that if she doesn't make an attempt to improve her relationship with your dad things will only grow cold again. If they end up getting divorced, perhaps they will both be happier so it's not the end of the world.

Your sister is wayyyy too young to be dealing with this. Your mom is reaching out to her, but this is too much for your sister to handle emotionally.

Good luck

 

As Chievous said- counseling. Family, couples for your parents and singular for each of you.

 

I'd agree with that. I also think you and your sister have been too involved in your parents' relationship -- though I know it's your parents pulling you in. They need to work all that out themselves. You are not in a good position to know if divorce is a good move for them or not.

I understand your concern for your sister. The dysfunction in the family will hit her harder than it does you because she's younger. But, she's too young for you to take in. I took in a 17 year old when I was 25 with okay results. But, I had a wife and a job and he was on the cusp of graduation. If your college is nearby, it might be helpful for your sister to be able to come visit. If your college isn't nearby, you might want to find one that is, if you think the situation is so dire.

 

It sounds like your mom is less committed to making the marriage work than your dad is. Your mom said she ended it with the other guy, but is she seeing anyone new instead?

Living in the house in that situation is going to be awkward, especially when the parents are confiding with the kids. I would tell both parents that they should only tell me something if they wanted both parents to know. If you were a few years older, then you'd clearly have an out where you could just stay as separated as you want from it. But even at 19, you're in a better situation than your sister is. I do not think her living with you is the best sitaution. It's not good for you (you didn't really sign up to be a provider for two people at 19 years old) nor her (I'm 14, and I don't really have a parental figure I live with).

I think your parents either need to commit or uncommit to the marriage (get off the fence), so to ease the transition for your sister.

In the meantime, keep talking with your sister and let her know it's not her fault for the marriage problems. People make mistakes, but your parents don't seem to be addressing trying to fixing the mistakes (especially your mom).

 

I wouldn't recommend taking in your sister, especially while you're in college.

Counseling can work wonders if all parties involved are willing.

 

Do you have any other family nearby that can help with this? Grandparents, aunts, uncles? Your sister needs to stay in school, and there's no reason a nearby family member can't take her in instead of you if that's what needs to happen.

 

what a terrible thing to go through 2deadly.

I wouldn't get too worked up about what your parents should do about their marriage. That's their call. It's unfortunate they're bringing you into it, but do your best to resist. Let them deal with that themselves.

If your sister isn't in any physical danger, I don't see why you should break up the family. Do offer her support. Lots of it. Daily emails. Calls. Visits. Someone to talk to who understands. Again -- let it be about her though. Not so much about what your parents should do. That's out of your control.

Counselling would be great. I'm doubting your mom and dad would go. Maybe? But even if they don't, make it avail to your sister if you can. Encourage her to go if she seems particularly depressed or troubled. But the two of you should do your best to stay out of your parents' drama. There's no winning there. If you can impress upon them to leave you out of it -- then do that. Try not to let them confide in you things that they want to keep from each other. Try to avoid anything that could be perceived as taking sides.

Good luck to you both. Not fun.

 

Give your sis all the support you can.

My advice to you to give to her is to tell her to write down what the affair is doing to her and then tell your sis to make a stand against your mom. Read the letter to the mother and then tell her that while she can't force her mom to stop cheating, the mom has to know the effect her dirty deeds is doing to your sis.

You don't have to be a part of your sister's stand, since it might seem like you're pulling the strings.

I'd make some effort not to let the father know about the letter before and after. Your sister seems to be in a state where she'd feel guilty if that was the catalyst to breaking things up (even if the marriage was already over long long time before)