<dl><dd>Bateman: Do you know what Ed Gein said about women?</dd><dd>Van Patten: Ed Gein? Maitre d' at Canal Bar?</dd><dd>Bateman: No, serial killer, Wisconsin in the fifties.</dd><dd>McDermott: So what did Ed say?</dd><dd>Bateman: When I see a pretty girl walking down the street I think two things. One part of me wants to take her out and talk to her and be real nice and sweet and treat her right.</dd><dd>McDermott: And what did the other part think?</dd><dd>Bateman: What her head would look like on a stick. [chuckles]</dd></dl>
Hey you sick **** my great uncle died in Aucshwitz. Spoiler Clumsy old b*stard fell right off a guard tower.
So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest ****ing niqqer I've ever seen reading every word I ty
long joke but worth the read. Spoiler Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Please don't ban or neg rep me Mods. Spoiler What kind of file do you need to make a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole. A pedophile.
Here's an old Ziggy bit making fun of CS: Laws are so arbitrary... Plaxico shoots himself in the foot in NY and they put him in jail for a year. In College Station, he'd be named Police Chief for carrying a concealed weapon AND shooting a minority.
Spoiler There's a guy with no arms or legs on a pier and crying his eyes out. A really hot chick comes over and asks him "what's wrong?" He says to her, "I'm 40 years old and I never been ****ed." She picks him up, throws him in the river and says, "now you're ****ed." The next one is really predictable and dumb, and I heard it from another classmate when I was fourteen so I know it's not original; but I re-told it again at another school right before a game when I was a senior, and got such a good response from teammates, our position coach and kids repeating the punch-line over and over again that I just like telling it due to nostalgia. Spoiler A guy with a serious hard-on goes into a whorehouse and walks up to the desk. He asks to see a girl, so the clerk gives him a room key. He takes the key, looks at the room number, gets in the elevator, gets out, walks to the room and opens the door. He sees a really cute girl laying on the bed, butt naked. He just gets right on her and goes to town, just ****ing her brains out. Spoiler He starts busting his nut pretty quickly, and he notices the girl's nose starts running. Kinda gross, but he just keeps on going. So he just keeps ramming her. Then, a little later, he notices her ear starts leaking. But he's still hard, so just keeps on ****ing. He's still blowing his load, and he sees tears running down the girl's eyes. He feels a little bad, but not enough to stop. So, now he's reaching his final climax and blowing the last of his load, and he sees the girl throwing up and drooling out of her mouth. So by now he's pretty grossed out and kinda spent; so he just puts his pants on, walks out of the room, down the hall, and down the elevator. Spoiler He walks out to the front desk, gives the key back to the desk guy and asks how much he owes. "Hundred dollars," so he pays the guy. "How was it?" the desk guy asks him. "Well," the guy says, "she was really hot, and I got my load off; but part way through her eyes were watering, her nose was running, her ear start leaking and she started drooling or throwing up or something." The desk guy thinks for a moment and asks him, "what room were you in?" The guy says, "well, it's the room on the key, Room 220." The desk guy's eyes get big and he says "Oh, 220!" Then he looks back to his left and says: "Hey, Bob!! I think the dead one's full!" Spoiler What did the black guy get on his SATs?" Spoiler Barbecue sauce. Spoiler Why do black guys always think about sex? Spoiler You would too if you had a head full of pubic hair.
The worst joke I'd ever heard: How many Jews can you fit in a VW Beetle? Spoiler 204. 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 200 in the ash tray.
Please don't mod/neg rep me. Spoiler One day a daughter went to her Dad and ask to borrow the car, she said Dad can I please borrow the car I'm going to be late for school? Dad: Only if you suck my dick Daughter: what?? Dad your gross! Please Dad I really need the car, I have an exam and I'm going to be late for school!! Dad:You know the rules only if you suck my dick! Daughter: FINE!! As the daughter starting sucking her dad's dick, she comes up and says, "Dad you dick tastes like ****!! Dad: Oh, that's right your brother has the car!!
