Married for 10.5 years. Been together for 15. 2 kids (6 and 1.5). My opinion is the most important thing is being married to someone who is your best friend. The plan is to stay with your spouse forever, so you need to be able to spend lots of time together without getting bored. You need some similar interests, but I think you need to have a lot of different interests so that you continue to learn and be intrigued by one another. My wife and I can listen to a song, or watch a movie and be moved by different aspects of it. Thats what keeps it fresh. Her perspective and ideas are different than mine, so there is always something new and exciting to talk about. Yes, we have similar goals for our future and are similar spiritually, but we have different ideas about how to get there. Plus, she's hot. But I think because I respect her and am impressed/intrigued by how she thinks about and sees the world, she's more attractive to me than she would be if I didn't know those things. The rest of your life can be a very long time, so it takes a lot of thought to decide whether a person can be your best friend for all of it.
Just wanted to throw it out there that the culture and idea surrounding marriage is completely different, IMO, from what it was 25, 35, or 50 years ago. Not that there wasn't pressure to get married back then, but I think people did a little more forward thinking when committing to a partner...and they actually understood the commitment. And I think divorce was probably more taboo than it is now so it was avoided more. Now, particularly in women, they want the nice ring and fancy ceremony and they think about all of that as much as if not more than the lifelong commitment...and divorce is more acceptable in society so they are less willing to work through tough times in marriage. Couple that with the fact that women are less dependent on men due to the shifting roles in society and the divorce rates have skyrocketed. Women go through with a marriage to have their dream wedding and somewhere along the way stop focusing on the relationship, or they realize that they never were that committed in the first place and just wanted the "stuff" and to try to fit in with what is "normal" (like what was said in the OP). Men can be just as guilty of this too but they are less likely to initiate a divorce. Obviously there are many different reasons as to why marriage is different today and divorce is high, but I think these are the underlying issues. I think it can be solved with some very serious communication before marriage...but as simple as that sounds a lot of people don't realize it and just marry because it is normal and the next logical step in the relationship. You love each other enough to stay together for a while so you figure that you should get married, but many do so without truly communicating about key long term issues and agreeing on the same level of commitment.
People pay money and don't get as good as advice as this. Read and reread people. Oh and my wife almost didn't marry me because we were too much alike. Now we laugh at that statement. I haven't figured out if it was marriage or years that changed us - or just that we were young(er) but we still are BF and keep any issues that come up as issues - never take it or make it personal.
Man, that one is huge (TWSS). My wife and I often joke that if we had met under totally different circumstances (ie. both already married), we would probably still end up being best friends.
Well said... Not surprising... especially after children...it's tough to balance feelings, emotion, family and self worth...in your given example, with holding it doesn't make it better, its more of a control thing that only makes the wedge wider and wider... Just look around when you shop at Walmart or go to the mall and see how many unhappy couples with kids there are...There are so many variables in making a marriage successful, most importatly, putting your spouses feelings first, however, sometimes even that isn't enough...even love can't be enough to save a marriage... Before divorce, I belived in marriage and to a certain extent still do...however, the longer I'm single, the easier it is to be non-commital as there are plenty of opportunities to have the perfect relationship...haven't found it yet, but I don't mind trying...
Yes, but not in the form that you're probably thinking. No one, at least in the US, gets married blindfolded. The modern form has the parents introducing the kids and allowing the kids (with a lot of forceful encouragement) to decide to get married. Arranged has a lower divorce rate, but a higher unhappiness rate. You can always make it work out of fear.
I don't understand why people think that having "enough" love for a person is what they need to have a successful marriage. Compatibility, commitment, trust, friendship and shared goals/destinies are more important than "love". Arguably you should have those things settled first before you even begin to get all romantic and emotional and stuff. Feelings are guaranteed to fade and ebb.
Had a conversation with an old acquaintance a couple of weeks ago. He and his second wife (of 20+ years) have been living separated for the past year and are headed toward divorce. He told me that she still is his best friend but that their marital relationship had just run it's course. I was flummoxed by that; most times a divorce is tainted by hostility not deep friendship and respect. Where has the love gone? What dynamics are going on there? Could it just be sexual incompatibility? There are disrupting the futures of their two college-age kids.
Been together 19 years, married 12, 2 kids 11 and 9. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it. After kids go off to college I can travel which ever road I want... Until then it's married life for me.
Some study reported that men were happier in marriages while the women didn't fare as well. That's a pro/con dependant upon the reader. I'm in no rush to marry, but I'm almost 30 so I get nags from my parents. Not that I give too much attention to that. It'd be nice to find the ideal mate, but the waters be treacherous (if for any reason outside circumstances that we're all human and not imaginary ideals). Tread lightly.
So you are saying that after your youngest goes to college, that you are leaving or could possibly leave?? I used to think the same way, feeling that I could hold on, at first, for 16 more years, then 8 years. Then I realized that I couldn't take it any more.
I find it awesome that each spouse thinks their husband/wife is the most beautiful person in the world. That's what makes love in a marriage great. In their eyes their spouse is truly the most beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that's awesome. Hopefully one day I can enjoy the blessings of marriage.
I'm not saying I am, nor that I would, I'm just saying I could if I wanted. Until then i'm happily married. Raising my kids is my number one commitment and my marriage provides a happy stable family to make that possible. We've had our share of hard times. The past year maybe the hardest. I'm 100% committed to my kids and for me that means being 100% committed to my marriage. Things are looking better now than they have in 3 years and just 6 months ago that wasnt the case. Marriage is a lot like a roller coaster. Starts off with a thrill, has its ups and downs, makes some people sick and others just can't stand the ride so they get off. Me I'm on and strapped in for the duration of the ride.
