Studogg's thread brought up a lot of things that have been on my mind recently about marriage. In the last few months I have pretty much soured on the idea of the institution. I've seen a lot of people's marriages just dissolve in bitterness even one's that started out very very strong and I get the feeling that I am going to see another one fall apart in the next year or so that I thought was very solid For background I am not married and have never been. I came very close to getting married about 10 years ago but decided not to. After thinking about it I realized that I didn't love this person enough to make that sort of commitment and it wasn't going to be fair to either of us for me to do so. I don't regret that decision and as time has passed I feel more justified in that decision. I can appreciate the feeling of not wanting to go old and die alone but it seems like so many marriages aren't making it anywhere to getting old. On top of that there are plenty of elderly couples that I have seen get divorced also. Another thing that I have noticed is that many people get married because they feel that is what is expected of them by their family, their culture and their religion rather than because they themselves really want to. Even worse it seems like there are people who get married because they want to have the ceremony, the dress and the gifts. This seems more common among women but I have seen a few guys who seem to think about the wedding more than about what happens after. In those case it strikes me as our materialistic culture drive people to marriage the same way it drives people to fill up stores on Black Friday. I would like to hear some of the pros and cons about getting married, particularly the pros. How many still have faith in the institution? How many people who are not married are thinking about getting married? How many who are divorced would get married again?
never believed in marriage much. like you said, a lot of it is just society's expectation which makes people feel its the next logical step to a "happy life". people shouldn't have try to make things work out because of a certificate. life's way to short to stay in an unhappy relationship. i won't say i'll never get married, but it will be because i truly love her and not because i'm afraid i'll die alone. and if my thoughts on marriage weren't enough to deter women, i don't care for kids either.
i had one of the worst experiences in my first marriage. constant fighting, not communicating, and being unfaithful (her, not me). but my second marriage has been nothing but the opposite of that. if i can somehow get past my first marriage and all the pain it caused to find such happiness with my current wife, anyone can.
I can't speak for the institution, generally. I've been married 14 years, and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone other than my wife. Hard for me to comment, generally, because I don't know marriage other than marriage with my wife.
Here's the thing about getting married. I don't know that it's for everyone. But I think there is something rewarding in finding someone and and making plans together, building joint dreams rather than just your own dreams, and then undertaking the task and challenge of working towards those dreams. I guess it's like working together with a band on an album and how you all work together to bring about a joint vision. There's nothing wrong with just working solo and going after you own dream only as well, but sometimes the collaboration not only changes and adds more to the dream the journey of discovering that joint vision and the dynamics of how it's tackled together in life is part of what adds the value. Of course the reward for the successes on the way are great too. At the same time that's one of the reasons why it can be so hard when it fails. The dreams two people had and hoped to achieve weren't bad, and surely along the way there were special moments on that journey, and it can feel like a real failure when it comes apart and has to be abandoned.
Pros of marriage/getting married?? If you had asked me this over 5 years ago, I probably would have given you anywhere from 5 to 10, probably more than 10 reasons. Now?? I would be hard-pressed to give you more than 5. Let's see - helps you on your tax return, if your spouse is responsible and mature (TWO big words there) and can hold a job - you'll have an easier time of being well off with 2 incomes instead of 1. You don't have to worry about dating and all the stupid games that go with it. Unlimited sex (depends on your spouse, though) for you and if you have kids, you feel a purpose in your life in that you are raising a family. Cons?? You have to learn to get along with this person for the rest of your lives (theoretically). You might get bored having sex with the same person for the rest of your life. If you are on the opposite spectrum when it comes to spending money, then having 2 incomes will be bad as you will be constantly spending everything that is coming in. If the marriage doesn't work out and you have kids (like me) then you are faced with the daunting task of raising these kids in separate households. The risk of that happening is a lot greater now than it was when our parents were in their 20s. Also, add onto the fact that you are no longer single, you may not have time for stuff like golf, working on your car, other hobbies, etc. I really believe that there is an "optimum age" for both men and women to get married. Men mature slower than women so for men, probably late 20s to no later than 30. For women, it is probably around 25. If you have never been married, are a guy and in your 40s, you'll probably have a tough adjustment from single life to married life. I was almost 33 when I got married and the transition for me was extremely tough. Am I against marriage?? No, I am not. I believe that I just happened to have married the wrong person. For the record, we have been getting along pretty well because we know that it is best for our son to get along. We just don't love each other anymore and want to live together. I might find the right woman some day but I am not going to go crazy to find her. It might be 5 years or longer before I really get serious about dating again. There are too many other things I have been getting into that would make serious dating tough for me (golf, playing bridge, spending more time with my son, trying to get better as a teacher, etc.). I will say that if I do find someone, we'll probably date for a year or more and then live together. Marriage might happen after living together for a year or so. So, no hurry for me to get married again.
Ditto. My first experience wasn't as bad as yours, but it certainly had me thinking I'd never get married again. That lasted long.
My wife and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversery. This is both of our's first and only marriage. All I can say is that she was my best friend for three years before we got married, and 25 years later she still is my best friend. We are perfect for each other, and I think that is the key. So few relationships in this world are truly between two people who are meant to be together. To quote Beldar Conehead (as if I were speaking to my wife): If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
i'm not trying to be an ******* about it. if people thought the first marriage would last forever and were wrong, what is different about the second time around. different feelings? is there something else there now that wasn't before? i'm genuinely curious. moes doesn't need to justify anything to me if he doesn't want to.
Same here. 14 years today as a matter of fact. My wife isn't perfect but she's perfect for me. The most important thing is she can tolerate my sorry ass.
I know, I was just messing with ya. For some reason, "Bloodsport" was in my mind (probably because it was on recently) and I remembered some BBSers saying that you looked like Bolo Yeung (Chong Li) in real life. Ultimately, moes is taking a leap of faith that this one will turn out differently than the first. I hope it works out for him this time.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for nearly 14. We have 2 kids. We've been on a roller coaster ride for most of it. Mostly ups, but a lot of downs and some nearly to the point where it ended. Neither of us have been unfaithful at any point (at least as far as I know and I've never even remotely suspected her). We love each other very much and managed to get through those lows. There's no way to know what will happen. I just know I don't have any intention of going through it without her. As far as the other thread goes and those that have been divorced. I'm not one to judge. S*** happens. Sometimes, a marriage is strong enough to withstand it. Sometimes, it isn't. I have a lot of friends that have been divorced for varying reasons. In all of them, I have yet to see one that was a mistake. For one reason or another, they didn't belong together. Just because my marriage is still going strong doesn't mean I should judge them. I helped my friends where I could. I'd never tell them to stay together because some book or some preacher says so. I'm still amazed at the smugness of certain posters who believe otherwise just because that's what they were told.
Happy Anniversary. Same here, by the way. How she's put up with some of my s*** over the last 14 years is beyond me. Makes me love her even more.
Been with my wife for 20 years and Married for 15. We didn't have kids until 5 years ago. PRO: There is a partnership formed in all the trials and tribulations of life that can't be replaced IMHO. We've had disaster, death, babies and success. No other person on earth I'd rather share it with. CON: It's not easy. It takes a lot of work even in the good times. There are times I had to give up very important things for me to help her go forward. She's had to do the same for me.
I was one who was ALWAYS against the idea of marriage, that is until I met the most wonderful and absolutely gorgeous woman on earth when I was not even looking for a relationship. Now, I could not imagine being single and not seeing her every day, spending vacations with her, time with the family and sleeping in the same bed. I could not sleep without her by my side. I was also against children, but once I met the right one, now I cannot wait to have children. I am beyond excited. We have three pups and they are the babies right now, just ready for the real thing.
