can you quote a pic for troof? fo real. If I am ever not married again, I can tell you I am not going to get married again. think about that for a second. I was going to give you a hard time for no other reason than this is the internet but sucks for the child especially.. and for you temporarily, while it clears through. So since you are being so open go ahead and tell us what happened specifically, and why it's ending? I want to hear what was the tipping point. Is this something to do with the long commute you had? You 'weren't there for her'?? or maybe it just sounds like she sucks, and if you are not compatible then she sucks. She is just a bad egg for you, and you need to know that now ,and be happy that you are making a separate path now.. today.. you don't have to wait to see if it will get better since it's over, and you are gone... relish that since if you stayed it would just be another day prolonging the inevitable.. so if it's inevitable then be happy you are addressing it now ,and getting on with it now.. otherwise it is just a countdown to death. why let that happen one more day? You are better than that so good on you to move forward WITHOUT HER.. and then oh yeah let me quote for troof again
Also yes, BPD... no bueno. A woman like that is a ticking time bomb ready to sabotage anything good she has. Also doesn't help when you have mental issues of your own. I'll just tell you this... I was in the same boat when it all went down, I knew I was in bad shape so I went and sought counselling. I thought if I got nice and doped up it would help me move along quickly. I consulted a ton of people about their experiences with meds and eventually I decided that I was just going to try using cognitive therapy to repair some of my damaged thinking. It ended up working out pretty well for me, within a few months I found a new bird who loves Radiohead as much as me and we're expecting in December
My condolences on the relationship. Whatever you do concentrate on the young boy. Borderline personality is a b!tch, I had a crazy one a few years back.
I'm really sorry to hear this Manny. You have some really difficult times ahead that I know all too well. Keep your head up and stay as active as you possibly can. The times that were really tough for me were when I sat at the house alone, so try to avoid that as much as possible. This thread prompted me to go back and read the thread I started a while back when I was dealing with divorce. I'd forgotten how just how broken and lost I was back then. During that period I would get annoyed when everyone would tell me "time heals all" but looking back it is absolutely the truth. Crazy things happen and when you least expect it things will turn around for you. Good luck to you and your family.
it could be worse. your first wife could have cheated on you numerous times, then finally divorced you. your second wife whom you helped become a US citizen could leave you after bringing her son over from overseas. it happened to my dad. so cheer up. real talk. sorry about your situation.
I feel for the OP b/c nobody wants to be in that situation. But my best advice is to REALLY get to know that person before you marry him/her. I see people getting hitched after like a year or two of dating, which is ridiculous. I dated this chick for 1.5 years and she begged to get engaged/married, but I wasn't going to do it b/c we haven't lived together at all. Secondly, I haven't gotten myself situated in terms of career and things like that. People need to understand you have to take care of yourself first and foremost, be set. And then get married if you meet that someone. You're not ready to take care of another person/child or have a family if you're not 100% secure with your life and where you are headed. All of my family members have done that except for one uncle, and he's the only one who has been divorced. Therefore, to the OP, right now just be the best dad and teacher you can be. Don't think of anything else until you think you have those priorities set for several years.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this, Manny. Since I can't really know what your wife is like or what your relationship has been like I'll just say I'm sorry on that front and move on to something I do know a little about: depression and meds. You should, of course, be careful with all meds. But never listen to someone that tells you you should be able to tough it out without meds. Those people (tinman, whom I like, is one) mean well but they aren't doctors and if they haven't been through what you have or had conditions you have they are ignorant on this topic and not to be listened to. Listen to your doctors, not friends, not family, not clergy, and certainly not strangers when it comes to this. Before I weigh in on meds, I want to say that I really, really, really hope you are in or getting in talk therapy. Meds without that are a bad idea, in my experience (I work in the arts and I know so many people that deal with mood disorders or emotional problems). Never a good idea. I hope you are talking with someone impartial and have a safe place to say everything you feel without fear of judgment, without worrying what someone will think, someone that will push you to get at the root of your feelings. That said, Xanax should be avoided if possible. GP's especially are not careful enough with this dangerous drug; psychiatrists are much less likely to prescribe it because they are more intimately acquainted with its dangerous properties. It works, yes, like a charm. But the addictive properties, the need for more and more as your body builds a tolerance, the grogginess, the ability that drug has to just make everything okay when it isn't. I'm not down on all benzos but I am down on that one except in extreme circumstances. If you haven't yet, you might ask to switch to a very low dose of Klonopin. It is also a benzo but considerably less problematic. I take it and the way I use it is to take a very small dose in the morning as a preventative measure. I am prone to panic attacks and anxiety (which is what these drugs are for) and I find it makes a world of difference to take a low, preventative dose than to try to treat panic/anxiety once it's set in. Klonopin isn't right for everyone (everyone has a very different reaction to any of these drugs) but for those it is right for it can be a miracle drug. It is also way easier to get off of than Xanax or Valium. Lexapro. I know it well. This can also be a very helpful drug for depression and anxiety. But you can also get stuck on it. Never ever try to stop this drug cold turkey. The "discontinuation syndrome" that you might suffer from that can be brutal. (It was for me when a bad doc told me to just stop taking it instead of tapering off.) They don't call it withdrawal because medically speaking you don't get "addicted" to it. But if you quit it cold turkey and you're one of the unlucky ones you can get some symptoms you never even imagined, like "brain zaps." Google it. I got these and it was horrible. The only way to stop it for me was to go back on the drug. So, though it can be a great drug, it can be very hard to get off of. A small number of people experience this syndrome even when trying to taper off. A lot of these SSRI's have this problem and GP's rarely warn about it. I think it's most common in Paxil, but it can happen with any SSRI. I don't want to scare you about antidepressants or specifically SSRI's, because they can literally be life savers, but you should be aware of all this. Finally, if you think you have an actual syndrome or clinical condition, I hope you will see a psychiatrist, and commit to doing so over the long term, to try to arrive at a reliable diagnosis. For some the diagnosis may come relatively quickly; for others it might take as long as 10 years. But when it comes to meds, it is important that you have a psychopharmacologist (fancy word for psych that prescribes meds) working with you on getting a reliable diagnosis. As frustrating as it is, every one of these drugs can be contraindicated if you have a different condition than your doctor believes; each of them can maybe work for a while and then exacerbate your symptoms, particularly if they are not the right meds for the right condition. It is also extremely important to have a professional monitoring the effects of the meds. They might well see something in you that you aren't able to see in yourself, as a result of medication. A good psych is, IMO, mandatory when taking these kinds of drugs. Check in once a month at least until you are reliably stable and your meds are too. Don't rely on a GP or family doctor to know or be able to know if you have Aspergers. They aren't experts; psychiatrists are. And every time you put one of these pills in your body you are changing your brain chemistry. Messing with your brain is, IMO, more dangerous than messing with any other organ in your body. Make sure you are getting the best care you can by seeing the right specialists. If you have difficulty paying for it, every city in America has options for people that need to pay on a sliding scale according to his means. Last thing: the idea of staying together for the sake of the children is antiquated and backwards, regardless of the tenets of your faith. I was a child of divorce and I'm here to tell you that it was the best thing that happened to me as a child when my parents, who could not find happiness together, made the difficult decision to try to find it apart. Unhappy but married parents can do so much more damage to a child, even when they mean well, than two single parents continuing to love their child outside of the marriage. I regard the idea of 'staying together for the children' to be one of the most dangerous memes of our time. Children can and will suffer much more from unhappy married parents than they will from divorced parents with a chance at happiness. You're in my thoughts, Manny. And try to remember that time really is a healer. Try to repeat that to yourself even when it doesn't seem so. Because it is.
Your adivce to get to know the person is certainly good advice, but the time frame is depeandant upon the people involved. My wife and I dated for perhaps a year before we decided to get married and we are still going strong after 30 years. I have friends that also dated for less than 2 years that have been married 25+ years. Good luck with your situation Manny. I have trouble sleeping on planes, mainly because I am 'not in control' of the situation. My doctor prescribed Xanax. The recommended dosage is 2 4 times a day. I only take them when I am on a flight lasting 5+ hours. They help me get through the flight. I can't speak to their addictive behavior because that is the only thing I use them for and I have had a number of international flights in the past 10 months.
Thanks guys. Just to be clear, the Xanax was only to be taken if I felt the need for it. I am going to try to avoid taking it unless I really feel like I am about to have a panic attack. I did take the first Lexapro this morning and I have felt groggy all day since. Was told that was to be expected - not so sure if I want to continue down that road. Once again, she might be cheating but I have no proof. We just were not right for each other. As Batman said, sometimes it is better to raise a child or children in 2 separate, peaceful homes than 1 argumentative, tension-filled home. I feel pretty confident that we will work things out amicably. However, we have a lot of debt and expenses and with me starting a new job (at a significant less amount of money) and her not having a full-time job, it could be a situation where we separate and the divorce is only finalized after she gets a full-time job. That is something I am going to work on this weekend is trying to come up with the numbers on both sides.
This is common and happened to me too. In two weeks or less all side effects were gone and I experienced great improvement, to my depression and especially to my anxiety. Stick it out if you can.
Manny, I blame this on the f!cking NBA lockout!!! Haven't read any other comments in this thread except your opening one. "Grown apart" is not a reason, especially with a kid. I regretted what you are about to do, and I didn't even have a kid. try again. You and her owe it to yourselves. But if not...dude...you will do fine. I'm sure your a great dad and I'm sure she knows that and respects that, and you can be friends. but before that happens...try again.
Yep, I remember this too -- Manny kind of disappeared for a while then came back with a wife and a kid. I'm sorry for all your troubles Manny you've had a tough year for sure -- best of luck to you.
You're going to feel very lethargic at first but it passes after the first couple days. The positive effects take about 2-4 weeks to kick in if at all. Some people go through trial and error to find what is best for them. Just be very conscious of your body and how it reacts, SSRIs are no joke. I never had a positive experience with them and eventually focused on cognitive therapy which worked best for me.
In light of these revelations, perhaps the perceived "harshness" of Fatty FatbBastard's comments towards this troublesome woman should be reconsidered. FFB was prescient. Fatty FatBastardamus. It is time for him to come back and guide Manny through his post-marital life.
"Perceived?" Fatty has a habit of trashing people's girlfriends and wives here. He doesn't do it to be helpful but to be hateful. And, though I have also often enjoyed his posts here, he is about the last person I'd go to for relationship advice. His record there is worse than Larry King's, John Edwards' or Zsa Zsa Gabor's. Going to him for relationship advice is like asking Kim Jong Il for lessons on how we can all 'just get along.'
Say what you want about Kim Jong Il, but he is a helluva golfer: http://www.worldgolf.com/blogs/william.wolfrum/2005/10/04/a_golfing_debut_with_11_aces_makes_kim_j
Manny, Be careful on the benzos like Xanax. They can be addictive or a person can become dependent on them after long periods of use, say 1 month or longer if taken everyday. I've been on a small dose of klonopin for 3 years and have not been able to kick the med. I have not had tolerance with this med. However, I am dependent on the med. I can only imagine what you are going through, and using benzos in the short term is ok. But I hope you will not need them in for the long term unless you are ok with being on them for the long term.
I hope this is the best thing for everyone. I'm a firm believer that there are worse things a family can go through than divorce and, a lot of times, divorce is actually a terrific solution for all involved. You're a smart guy and at some point you'll realize that it's not a bad thing to have more control over your life journey and have another chance to decide which direction to take.
To reiterate what BJ said, getting some counselling (without meds at first) is something you really, really need to look into. I know personally it made a huge difference to have somebody impartial that I could relay all my deepest feelings to. Look into it ASAP.
ok. Borderline Personality Disorder...is pretty difficult to live with. My brother married one and she pretty much abandoned the kids to him to raise. I guess I should have read all your posts before suggesting you try again. Sounds like you know better. Good luck Manny! You need to get away. It's still summer!!
