So I just took a job that pays more, is closer to home, has better benefits, and a regular schedule.... but it starts next Friday - so I won't be able to give 2 weeks notice. What should I do?
Just tell your boss and say you are sorry. If they wanted to lay you off, they wouldn't give you two weeks notice. It really isn't that big of a deal.
So you are giving a week and a half notice? if its a decent job, suggest you will do your best to get your replacement trained and ready for the next person. don't sweat it.
1.5 weeks isnt the worst and offer to help out via email if need to for the following week to tie up any loose ends. congrats on the new job!
If it's contract you're working, you can leave at anytime - they don't owe you squat. If it's full-time, perm, then just let your boss know you have received a better opportunity and thank him/her for the the opportunity and time of your employment.
I give you credit for at least caring enough to ask what you should do, most people don't give a damn no matter how difficult it makes things for their current boss. Most of the time a new employer will understand if you want to give a two weeks notice before you start your new job. However, if you are unable to give a full two weeks notice, give as much notice as possible and your boss will probably understand. I would always want to remain on good terms with all my former employers, so I try and do everything the right way.