Its All Wrong

Juice hang in there. You don’t need to be what others want you to be. Just love yourself and be the best you. You can never make everyone happy. That’s in business, relationships or values. Just be true to you and you will never be a failure

 

I'd like to say, I, HTM, don't want you to end your life.

 

Hell I have no idea everything that you're going through, but I am sure it had to fill like a mega-ton of crap. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that but stick it out. Get some help from professionals. Certainly don't let this place get you down. It definitely isn't worth it.

I'm pulling for you.

 

Where is this coming from?

 

Far too often trans individuals can essentially be "disowned" by their parents, parents as bigoted and close minded as some of the members who post here. I imagine that that would be incredibly difficult to bear. To not only not have the support of those who raised you, those closest to you, but to have them decide to have nothing to do with you out of fear, ignorance, and outright bigotry is more than I can imagine. One of my kids became friends with someone like that in high school, our kids being raised to be open minded, that bigotry in all it's forms is wrong, and they have stayed friends over the years. I've met her and she's very intelligent and couldn't be nicer.

Whether the OP is experiencing anything like that? I have no idea. I do know that we have members here, some I have on ignore, who seem to relish being bigoted and not just towards LGBTQ+ members, or trans members (in particular) in the news. I may have to expand my ignore list. Blatant constant bigotry is not something I feel I have to willingly subject myself to here.

In "real life" outside of the BBS I certainly don't, unless it's from a relative at a family gathering I see on very rare occasions, and most of those I've managed to outlive. My suggestion to @TheJuice is to freely use her ignore function. It's very easy to do. I have more than two dozen members on mine. I suspect that some of those possibly harassing her are already on mine. It makes the experience here far more agreeable.

 

Please get help from professionals.

 

This! If your world is your perception, then you CAN save it. We are all rooting for you, but now is the time to love yourself.

 

Really sorry to hear that and that is why I asked if you feel your community is supportive. If I recall you live in rural GA and if you feel that community isn't right for who you are and are becoming have you considered moving?

As the other posters said hang in there and you can always come here and vent.

 

Yes I hear you about hard it is to move especially as a student.

At a campus though there are probably resources and groups that you might find supportive. Another tool you might want to try is Meetup.com and see if there are trans and LGBTQ meetup groups locally where you could find like minded and supportive people.

It's undrerstandable you're questioning the direction your life is going. You're making a big change and few big changes aren't without risk and second guessing. How that decision turns out you might not know until years from now.

 

Life is long and things change. Your situation as awful as it may be, is temporary. The life you are living isn't the life you will live. That's why everyone tells you to hang in there, find support, and get therapy which is an amazing tool to work things out.

We get programmed into thinking that success = x. But it's all bs. You don't have to be anything, you don't have to make some set of decisions to live this life everyone thinks you should. Maybe your failures / bad choices you think you are making is a message to you to find a path that is truer to your passions.

 

This. Most psychiatrists don't take insurance but there are always some around who do. Look around. There is a legit online service for psychiatrists, too. I forget the name but can find it if you need it.

 

None of that actually matters. It didn't make me happy, and the people who do seem happy from it, it's an illusion. I can't tell you how many of my friends from college who went on to be successful lawyers, doctors, and bankers now have tons of money, kids, and yet are so miserable and unhappy. Yes being poor and struggling sucks, but you don't need the other extreme to be incredibly happy. Not at all. You can decide to live by the standards of success that other people create - people trapped in a prison who are slaves to society's definition of success constantly striving to maintain an image, keep up with the jones, and sacrifice what they truly want all in the sames of what they "should do" so others can judge them to be happy. Does that's sound like the right way to live your life?

It is a cruel world and when you show your true self a lot of people will attack you for it, laugh at you, or worse, write you off and ignore you. So you put on a mask to try to twist and conform yourself to be acceptable. You care what others think of you because how can you not? It's human and we are social creatures. But ultimately that's your source of unhappiness. Who's your master? Social norms and what you've been indoctrinated to believe is success? Or is it something else?

 

https://www.hrc.org/resources/mental-health-resources-in-the-lgbtq-community

Lots of resources in the link above, make a phone call or 2 or however many it takes. Zero shame in acknowledging you need help and asking for it.

Please don't do anything rash. Lots of people have been where you are, for various reasons, and there are positive outcomes. Trust me.

 

Power is not attainable in any realistic form for most conflict averse and minimally compassionate people, sex is probably more accessible than you think but has risks and costs that just got higher. Money does buy time, alternatives and a lack of uncertainly, but so does planning and managing expectations.

 

You hang in don't ever give up you are who you are let no one person define you.