So, my niece today texted me that she was dead broke and that she needed money to help pay for bills, rent, etc. I love my niece (of course), and the money was not the issue. But just a day before I get this text, I was told that she was living with some 26 year old guy doing drugs. She is 18. I've had my share of these calls before, since several people in my family have been on drugs. So I knew when she texted me out of the blue, it was going to be for money, but I was praying that it wasn't. Not to excuse the behavior, but the thing is that her father (my brother) passed away in January and his birthday was the 21st of August. Her mother is a heavy drinker as well and her father had an addictive personality. I think she came to me instead of my mother, or my sister or her family, because I was the easiest (not just to get money from) but she probably felt like I didn't know anything about the guy and her situation. I also know that that money was most likely going to that dude she was living with to do what he pleases with it. I know this. I also know that if I refused to give her money or if I told her mother or my mother or anybody with a big mouth that it would likely drive her further to this dude. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I gave her the money she wanted, but I also told her that I had heard she was living with a guy and didn't want to believe it (which I don't) and that I hoped she knows what she was doing. I told her that I loved her, and she said I'll pay you back, but I said that she doesn't have to. It was a gift. I said that I trusted her, and that I will keep this between her and me. I know that asking me for money was the last thing she wanted to do, so I know she feels guilty about it, and I know that this situation is a delicate one, and the last thing I wanted was for her NOT to have anybody she can talk to (which she might not talk to me either), but I did want her to feel that she has my trust and I am hoping that that alone will steer her in the right direction. If she knows that I trust her, it might help her to want to be better, is what I am thinking. The last thing I want is to see my niece ruin her life and I really don't know if I did the right thing, but I did the only thing I knew to do. I don't think my niece really had any male figure that she could look up to, so being with this scumbag was probably going to happen. I never have given anybody any money like that in my life, but I felt like I had no choice. Yes, I want her to leave this *******, but I know I can't make her do it. Did I do the right thing?
What does that have to do with it? It wasn't like a thousand or five hundred even. She's 18. She hasn't been on drugs before. It's not like she is a crack addict and that's the point.
Sorry to hear your brother (her dad) passed away in January. I don't recall a thread. That's rough. Do you have kids? If not, with no father and an alcoholic mother, why don't you just take her on as your daughter. Not officially adopt or anything, but have that conversation with her, and say you want to give her everything your brother couldn't, but it comes with strings ... as a "father" you want her to communicate with you regularly, help her develop a plan for life, meet her "boyfriend" ... be her "life coach", type of thing. another question: does she have brothers and sisters? You're absolutely right to intervene here. I would be looking to meet that "boyfriend" and achieve more regular communication ... just like a dad.
She has 2 immediate sisters, a step-brother (on her dad's side) and two step-sisters (dad's side). She has plenty of family. I am hoping that she can see the light because she isn't a bad kid, she has a daughter that she raised for 3 years already. This really came out of the blue for me, because she finished high school even with a kid, she was also on the softball team and perfectly fine. I'm sure that her dad passing has hit her really hard, but I just didn't want to be another person judging her. I didn't post anything here about my brother passing. i kept it private.
Based on your story, I would not give her any money, BUT, I would directly pay some bills to help her out.
Yeah, but that just shows that I don't trust her, or I think she is a liar. I already know that the money isn't going to be for bills. I am pretty sure she knows that I didn't buy that story either. Giving the money, the only point I wanted to get across to her was that I trust her to take her at face value. But I don't think either of us believes that story is true.
18 yrs old, w a three-yr-old in tow, shacked up w bad news. Bless her heart, sincerely, and yours as well, @what .
So you are comfortable with her perhaps spending the money on nefarious things that can harm her? I have been in your position. They wanted help for bills. I did exactly what they asked. I helped them with their bills by paying their bills.
In a word, yes. It's not going to change anything if I paid her bills and make her out to be a child and bruise her pride. I am hoping that she realizes that taking money from me for her boyfriend is a vapid and terrible thing to do and that she comes to see him for what he is. I can only hope that he laughs at me for doing it and I doubt that she would put up with that for long. The purer that I gave her the money the more effective it can be, is what I was thinking. That's why i told her that this would be between her and I, and that I trusted her. I can only hope that my pure intentions will contrast with that guys assholeness and she will leave him. If she was a real drug head and living on the streets, I certainly would not have enabled her. But she isn't. She is just with the wrong dude, and her dad died, and she's "independent" for the first time and she is with the wrong guy obviously.
Yeah, that's a crappy situation for you and your niece. I don't envy your position at all. I think you did the right thing this time. I agree that you should try and meet the boyfriend, and get a little more involved. It's hard to do that without sounding like you're accusing her of something so nothing is easy no matter what you do. Good luck.
Did you start this thread looking for advice or validation? You suspect she is going to use the money for something other than bills. You suspect she knows that you know that. So, I don’t follow the trust issue you raise. That being said, kudos to you for helping your niece.
I would ask her to move in with you if she needs help, if y’all have a close relationship that is. Then invite her “boyfriend “ over and then ask him to help you with moving something. Get him alone with you , then tell him to leave her and never talk to her again. Call your boys and kick his ass if you have to..
You sound like a good person. However I don’t think she will view it the way you hope it. It was your money and you choose to give it to her. I don’t think anyone can beat you up for that.... but she isn’t going to leave the other guy because you gave her money. If anything it just shows how attached to him she is, that she is begging her family for money. You need to decide how you are going to respond when she asks you again.
No. You did not do the right thing. She most likely uses drugs herself now if she wasn't before. Sounds as though she's been on her own for a while. That's why she knew how to find someone to take her and her daughter in. Perhaps you can find solace in that she has learned how to survive. Just don't think of what she has to do to survive. You'll never replace her father. I have counseled young adults, mostly young men, and regardless of their circumstances, their main issue was their natural parents. She needs to acknowledge and accept the fact that her parents failed her, forgive them, love them, and move on without them. What I would do is direct her to a women's shelter and a job as I don't think it would be a good idea to take her in. I would talk to her and see where her mind is at in regards to her parents. When she asks me for more money, I would refuse and I would not hate her when she gets mad at me or she ignores me. Eventually, you'll just have to let her go. She is not yours to save. Wish her well and keep her in your prayers.
No, best way to do it is to have someone do it out of the blue when they are not expecting it. I’ve used this method. You say nothing. You have someone they don’t know do it... keeps you out of the middle of it. Sometimes it takes two times but never more than twice. The second beating requires injuries they will still be dealing with several weeks later. Learned it from someone that was a holocaust survivor and ran a jewelry shop. I was in my teens when I became close to him. Very good and generous man... but as he taught me, some people need to just go away.
