Can someone explain to me what the f*** I'm doing wrong here?

Just remember you'll miss your mom later so these are small sacrifices.

 

24/7 seems a little intense unless your mom is in the ICU - even then.

The fact that you make whatever spare time you have available is more than enough. I'd think your mom also needs her rest.

Hope she gets better.

 

Pride will kill you. Your father & mother's family is your family and you have every right to ask and accept help. Your dad will get over it. Or he won't; the more important thing is your mother's health, not his pride.

 

I can relate to your situation a bit. Long story short; my wife's Dad fell from his attic about 13 feet on to the concrete floor is in his garage back in 2013. Traumatic brain injury, broken back, paralyzed from the waist down. He lived the following 9 months in bed at an LTAC basically losing his mind from the brain injury and living on a breathing machine. He would never walk or eat solid food again. My wife, her mother, and her sister would never leave his side and worked in shifts similar to what you and your family are doing for your mother. They got no help from my wife's two older brothers. The girls could've left him alone but were afraid for him as well as wanting to watch the medical staff to ensure his health/safety.

Now that he's passed, if you ask my wife, her Mom, and her sister...they'll all tell you that they are glad he was never alone in his final days. Even though it was the hardest thing they ever had to go through (he didn't know who they were half the time, he was physically aggressive towards them, said the most awful things you'd ever want to hear your father/husband say, etc.), they're all happy he was never alone. That's what true love is.

Do they resent the two brothers for never being there? Sure they do. But now that it's all finally over and their Dad is gone, they realize that they did everything in their power to make him as happy and as comfortable as they could given the horrible condition he was in. They treasure the brief moments of clarity that he had during those awful 9 months...when he was his old self and talked to his daughters as if everything was fine and normal.

I know this is unbelievably hard for you and your family. Try to ignore the little things and focus on what's most important; being there for your Mom so she can feel her family's love. Be there for your Dad so he doesn't feel like this is all on him to care for her. Try (although difficult) to put the issues with the family aside. If that continues to escalate, you'll lose focus on the important issue here. I would hate for you to realize 2 years from now that you regret the way it all went down because you may not be able to make amends at that point. If the rest of the family won't participate, that's their cross to bear. I realize that doesn't help you any now and that it makes you angry, but it's not what's most important.

Try to understand that your Dad is dealing with the worst thing of his lifetime...watching the person that he's loved for longer than he's known you struggle in a hospital is not easy to witness and live through. While his comments to you may seem passive-aggressive, he may not even realize what he's saying. I can't tell you how many times I would engage my mother-in-law during the ordeal to talk about important items like medical bills, retirement funds, her financial situation, etc. and while she answered me, she literally had no idea what she was saying or doing. Your Dad could be in the same mental state. Being trapped in a hospital room for days and weeks on end can literally make you go crazy...whether you're the one in the bed or not.

To answer your question in the title: You aren't doing anything wrong. There is no right and wrong when dealing with something like this. All you can do is try to be patient with the family (although difficult) and be there for your Mom and Dad as best you can. As I said...please just try and stay focused on what's most important. Cherish those moments when you and your family are able to see your Mom for who she was. Your Dad will need breaks from being in that room; make sure he's staying healthy as well. We told my mother-in-law a billion times that we need her to stick around long after her husband. Getting out of that room, making sure he's eating, taking little walks & such will be good for him. Lastly...try to take what he says with a grain of salt. I'm sure he's not himself right now so try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

God bless you and your family during all of this. Feel free to email or PM me if you feel the need to.

 

These situations get to people bro. I am going through a similar situation with my grandmother although her dementia is not as advanced, but the family deal is awful. All you can do is focus on your mom and your mom only. I've had so many people talk behind my back even though I am the one who cared for my grandma initially and even now that I am not the primary caretaker anymore (my uncle is) I try to be there as much as possible.

**** is hard. I know my uncle has talked behind my back, even though I know I am the only one that truly helps and is there about 3 or 4 times a week for several hours at a time to make sure he gets his breaks. Even then, for whatever reason, it is never enough.

I've gotten into it with my family and I told them that no matter what they think of me, all I care about is my grandmother's happiness. I don't know how much longer she will be on this earth, but while she is here I want to make sure I make it as good as possible when I am there. I know she isn't fully there anymore all the time and her disease is progressing, but I am glad that I can do all that I can with her and get a smile from her every now and then.

Focus on your mom bro, remember that even though she isn't there as the person she use to be, you still have her here and you need to enjoy every moment you get to spend with her. I know it is tough being there and not interacting with the person she use to be, but she is still here bro and while she is here just show your love as much as you can.

Whatever your dad and sister are causing, just ignore it. My uncle, he is the one charge of my grandma now and I know it stresses the hell out of him. For whatever reason he has a way of pushing people away, but in my case, I really don't care I talk to him normally and carry out a relationship with him. At the end of the day it's all about my grandma. Just do the best you can. Don't hold grudges with your father and sister. They are family bro and I know they frustrate you but you don't need that right now.

I really hope it all goes well for you. I know it isn't an easy situation and honestly there is no right or wrong way of going about things.

 

Like many others have said already, this isn't about them. The fact that they are trying to play the martyr here should not be encouraged or even acknowledged by you. This is 100% about your mom. Keep it that way, and when all of this is over, you can approach the situation with your family however you see fit. Until then, keep your head up, do everything in your power for your mother, and give her the support and love she needs. Good luck with everything, and my thoughts are with you!