Jokes

coma · 03-14-2002, 03:22 PM

I just ran across this one, and it made me spit out my Pepsi.
I figured we can use another jokes thread, so here's my first entry.

Zachary Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor/sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you craw real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you craw real fass back to me," and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Sonny · 03-14-2002, 03:48 PM

Funny Joke Coma!

I got this in an email - not too funny - but still a joke...

coma · 03-14-2002, 04:05 PM

You Must Be Single

A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the

counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said;

"Dearest, You must be single."

"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"

"No, because You´re so g*ddamn ugly..."

coma · 03-14-2002, 04:40 PM

THE INEXPERIENCED MAN

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

TheReasonSF3 · 03-14-2002, 09:04 PM

I went to FunnyNames.com and they have listed a ton of hilarious names, that are actually real. Here are some of them. If you are immature like me you'll find these names hilarious. :
Dick Hertz
Dick Lotion
Dick Trickle
(Nascar Driver)
Dick Wood
Dick Stillhard
Dick Fitzwell
Felia Balls
Harry Dickman
Harry Balls
Harry Kuntz
Harry Cox
Harry Balzonia
Harry Pitts
Harry Butts
Harry P. Ness
Harry Zach O'Balls
I.P. Freely
I.P. Daily
Igotta Gobad
Ima Horr
Ivana Tinkle
Ivana Humpalot
Madame Dick Hertz
Marry Juana
Mr. Baiter
Richard (Dick) Head
Willie B. Hardigan

:D :D :D

giddyup · 03-14-2002, 09:22 PM

... and the worst sports name of all time: Dick Shiner, QB, Atlanta Falcons and Furman University (I think).

Grizzled · 01:03 PM

With apologies to fadaway … (the best Newfie jokes are told by Newfoundlanders, but I'm sure some of you get sick of them.

)

Newfoundland Computer Lingo

1.Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
2.Log off: Don't add no more wood
3.Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove
4.Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
5.Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry to much firewood
6.Ram: The thing that splits the firewood
7.Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter
8.Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire"
9.Window: What to shut when it's cold outside
10.Screen: What to shut in fly season
11.Byte: What flies do
12.Bit: What the flies did
13:Mega Byte: What BIG flies do
14.Chip: Munchies when monitoring
15.Micro Chip: What's left after you eat the chips
16.Modem: What you did to the hay fields
17.Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixs' wife
18.Lap top: Where kitty sleeps
19.Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at the Big R
20.Hardware: Real stainless steel cutlery
21.Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
22.Main Frame: What holds up the barn
23.Enter: City talk for "Come on in, b'y"
24.Web: The things spiders makes
25.Web Site: The barn or attic
26.Cursor: Someone who swears a lot
27.Search Engine: What you do when the car dies
28.Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
29.Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost when picking burries
30.Upgrade: Driving up Barters' Hill
31.Server: The Mrs. at Donovan's who brings the jigs' dinner
32.Mail Server: The guy at Big R with grade 8 who brings fish
33.MS-DOS: Some new disease they discovered
34.Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays music
35*User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming over borrowing stuff
36.Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows grow together
37.Network: When you have to repair your fishin net
38.Internet: Where the fish get caught
39.Netscape: When a fish gets away
40.On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline
41.Off-line: When the clothespins let go and the laundry falls on the ground

BrianKagy · 03-15-2002, 01:58 PM

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him, and the neutron asks, "How much for the beer?"

The bartender answers, "For you? No charge."

boomboom · 03-15-2002, 02:41 PM

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

coma · 03-15-2002, 03:04 PM

Donation Clinic

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to
give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

RocketMan Tex · 03-15-2002, 03:09 PM

Posted it before, but I'll post it again....

What do Enron and a condom have in common?

After one Lay, neither is worth a thing anymore!

coma · 03-15-2002, 03:11 PM

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

JuanValdez · 03-15-2002, 04:13 PM

Saul and Abel are walking together as they pass a church. A sign outside the church says they will pay $500 to anyone who comes in to talk with them.

Abel says to Saul, "Five hundred dollars to talk? I wonder what that could be about. I think I'll go and find out what they could want to say." Abel goes in while Saul waits for him outside.

A good deal of time passes. Finally, after 45 minutes Abel finally comes out again. Saul, now overwhelmed with curiosity, asks his friend, "Well what was that all about? What did they have to say? Did you get the five hundred dollars?"

Abel responds, "Money? That's all you people ever think about!"

RocketKid · 03-15-2002, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by coma
Donation Clinic

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to
give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

:D

dylan · 03-15-2002, 04:28 PM

Okay, maybe I'm just really dumb right now but I don't get JV's joke at all. Can anyone explain it to me?

Pole · 03-15-2002, 04:33 PM

Saul and Abel are Jewish

The church isn't

getsmartnow · 03-15-2002, 11:09 PM

Oldies but goodies.....some funny newspaper headlines...

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
New STudy of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over :D
British Left Waffles on Falkland Island
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfiled Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundereds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Batter Charge
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

treeman · 03-15-2002, 11:20 PM

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry
but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

*

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows
the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby.

That's how you get jewellery."

*

And now for something completely different (Classified ads…actually taken from classified ads in newspapers):

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN...PART STUPID DOG
-----------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE
REWARD.
----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING
PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
-------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
-------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON..... FREE COFFEE &
DONUTS
---------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

**Castor27** · 03-15-2002, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by themoandfroshow
I went to FunnyNames.com and they have listed a ton of hilarious names, that are actually real. Here are some of them. If you are immature like me you'll find these names hilarious.

I found those pretty funny. I'll also add one. I worked at a bank for 4 years and Me and the guy I worked with were always looking for good names. One of out favorites. Harry Kronk. Also I now work at a school and we had a senior a couple of years ago named Richard Head.

CK

Pipe · 03-15-2002, 11:33 PM

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks in a bar after announcing that his wife has just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 lbs.

Congratulations are showed upon him from all around, and exclamations of "WOW" fill the air. A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 lbs. at birth?

"Yep, that's me," replied the Texan.

"Well, how much does he weigh now?", asks the bartender.

17 lbs. was the proud father's reply.

"17 lbs?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He
weighed 25 lbs. at birth".

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and with his Texas accented deep voice say, "Had him circumcised."
:D