(from style points)
Tyson Chandler’s making good use of his offseason. The 7′ center for the New Orleans Hornets has finally achieved what he’d set out to do after almost a week of doing his best pirate impression on the Gulf Coast.
Using only his penis as bait, a striped bass leapt out of the water and was snagged by Chandler’s dangling number.
“Chris Paul, my fishing partner, said it was an impossible goal,” says the proud Chandler. “But I knew if I was patient enough it’d be only a matter of time before them fishes jumped out of the water and got themselves caught on my dingaling. It gets the ladies, so why not our water bound friends?”
Teammate Chris Paul was astounded.
“Never in a million years did I think that was possible. It was just surreal,” said Paul. “To tell you the truth, I’m just glad it happened. Now I don’t have to stare at his cock anymore.”
Sailing on his newly bought boat **** You OKC, Chandler got the idea after a fruitful day of fishing with Paul and the rest of his possy.
“Me and my homeboys caught nearly 300 fish that first day,” laughs Chandler. “What are 6 black dudes gonna do with 300 fish? Feed Jesus or some ****? I needed to up the ante. So I traded my hook line and sinker for ole Admiral Winky.”
Though the venture sounded whimsical, there were still dangers to avoid.
“If I saw one of them shark fish, I booked it like Tracy Morgan at a KKK convention. There are still babies to be made, man.”
Chandler’s best friend Cocaine Stevie was another participant in the endeavor, but he came up short.
“Man, I almost did it a couple of times but those fish need to work on their vertical leap!” said Stevie. “Chandler could just dangle his danker right there into the water, but I ain’t 7 feet tall so I didn’t have the, uh, reach that Chandler has. Now I’m three thousand bucks poorer with a sunburnt member.”
Chandler expects a spot in the Guinness book of world records for his feat.
“You know anybody else who’s done this?” he smiled. “I don’t think so. I’m the inventor of dick fishing. I’m gonna get my picture taken with the fish and my dick hanging out. I already named that fish. Clay Bennett.”
“He was so excited!” says Paul. “When he caught it he just ran around the boat yelling ‘THERE’S A FISH ON MAH DICK! THERE’S A FISH ON MAH DICK! I don’t even think he noticed the pain that the fish’s teeth were causing his groin region.”
“I got some battle wounds, man,” says Chandler. “I really hope the scars heal. That fish got a goodass grip. But if it don’t, at least I got a story for the ladies.”
Scientists say that there was a high probability a fish of the size that latched onto Chandler’s penis could easily have sliced the shaft clean in two.
“It was a truly idiotic thing to do and Chandler is lucky to have his penis intact,” says Dr. Argoyle Van Houtschlappen of Yale University. “I wouldn’t advise a repeat performance, to say the least. Though it is impressive.”
According to police, the Chandler boat has been cited for 19 counts of indecent exposure from horrified spectators.
“Allegedly, the Chandler party never left the dock,” says New Orleans police chief Chone Sagwater. “They just spent a week tied up on shore drinking cheap champagne and punting dogs.”
“Nobody here knows how to drive a boat!” Says Chandler. “And I don’t know where to get life jackets. Hell, wading in a kiddie pool gives my bodyguard Cha-Swain the shivers. No way in hell we’re unmooring that ****.”
His next goal? Challenging the Big Aristotle.
“Shaquille O’Neal, you’re on my radar,” says Chandler. “I officially challenge you to a dick fishing excursion. Whoever can catch the most fish in a day wins. You got nothing better to do with your Suns out of the playoffs. Let’s get it on!”
New Orleans law officials expect Chandler to be faced with criminal charges that could put him away for up to 12 years.
(lock it if inappropriate)