Joke Time

giddyup · 12-20-2006, 04:15 AM

Wilma and her new Texan hubby ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says her hubby. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

*************************************************

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, “You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Mr. Brightside · 12-20-2006, 04:29 AM

thats a mean sheriff. he should be suspended with pay only.

Hmm · 12-20-2006, 06:34 AM

I don't get the first one... Is bridal slang for something?

A-Train · 12-20-2006, 07:10 AM

The Philadelphia 76ers
The Houston Texans

Achilleus · 12-20-2006, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hmm

I don't get the first one... Is bridal slang for something?

It's kind of a dumb joke to write down because it plays on the same word with different meanings gag... Bridal / Bridle. The latter is something you put over a horse's head to control it. It is just a misogynistic joke, I guess.

giddyup · 12-20-2006, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Achilleus

It is just a misogynistic joke, I guess.

Oh, please.

SwoLy-D · 12-20-2006, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A-Train

The Houston Texans

A55hol3 guy.

I hate you, mo fo.

Since we're in a FESTIVE mood:

"El WiWiChu" (sounds better in Spanish):
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, there are so many people here!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang:
"Weeweechu a Merry Chrih-mas, Weeweechu a Merry Chrih-mas, Weeweechu a Merry Chrih-mas, and a Happy Noo Jeeer."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
------------------------------------------
Una hermosa noche de diciembre, allá en La Habana, estaba una pareja de cubanos mirando el mar, muy acaramelados en el malecón, cuando de repente, le dice él a ella: "Chica, ¡déjame tocarte el wiwichu!"

"Estás loco, mi negro, ¿cómo crees, si no es tiempo todavía ?"

"Anda chica que no ves que es el tiempo perfecto, ¡déjame tocarte el wiwichu!", implora Pedro.

"No, que no quiero! ¡Hay mucha gente y me da pena!", contesta Rosita.

"Anda chica, es ahora o nunca, deja que te toque el wiwichu", implora Pedro.

"Bueno, mi negro, sólo porque te quiero mucho..."

Entonces Pedro agarra su guitarra y prosigue:
"Wiwichu a merry crihmas, wiwichu a merry crihmas, wiwichu a merry crihmas, and a japy niu yirrrr !!!"

¡¡¡ FELIZ NAVIDAD !!!
¿Qué pensabas que era, malpensao?

IROC it · 12-21-2006, 02:18 AM

I hate this one if it were about my team... I originally heard it about the Cowboys back in like '88.. and to help the local team out, I'll go with the Raiders...

----------

A kid that had experienced a bad upbringing was involved in a custody case. He was in the court room before the judge when he was asked to answer a few questions in the judge's chambers with both lawyers present (the mother's and the father's).

The judge started asking the boy questions. "Do you like your mother, son?"

"Yes, but..." the boy hesitated. "But what?" asked the judge.

"Well, when she gets drunk, she beats me, your honor, sir." The boy whispered with anguish.

"And your dad? What about him? Do you like him?" Asked the judge.

"Well, yes, but... he beats me up, too." replied the boy in a sheepish manner.

The judge then asked the young man to step back into the court room while he discussed his well being and best interests with the two lawyers...

Several moments later the bailiff exclaimed, "All rise" as the judge re-entered the court room...

With a booming, yet sincere voice the judge made his decision as to the boy's custody known... "It is with great concern for the young man's well being that the court has made a decision as to where he shall reside until his eighteenth birthday. We have discovered that when he's with his mother, she becomes inebriated, loses her temper, and beats her son. We have also discovered that this young man's dad will beat him up just to show he is in charge. So after discussing the matter with both parent's counsel, it is the decision of the court to award custody of this young man to the Oakland Raiders. Why you ask? Because the Oakland Raiders ain't beatin' nobody."

---Insert whichever team for desired effect---

Also, that joke works best if you tell it in a somber tone, in detail, as if you're relaying a real news story or something. Works like a charm.

VooDooPope · 12-21-2006, 07:23 AM

two tampons were walking down the street and needed to discuss their current situation... which one spoke first?

Neither they were both stuck up bitches.

========================

A recent survey was done to discover why men enjoyed oral sex so much.

10% enjoyed the sensation
10% enjoyed the domination

and

80% enjoyed the silence.

windfern · 12-21-2006, 07:45 AM

Scam of the Week

My friend Roy forwards to me the following heads-up from a friend of his who shops regularly at Lowe's:

Here's a "heads up" for any of you who may be regular customers of Lowe's. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and Windex, with their breasts falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start making out with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 17th, three times just yesterday, and, very likely, again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Again - please beware!

wesnesked · 12-21-2006, 10:00 AM

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristacally comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a peice of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow over a period of years, "my husband replies. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breast every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

JuanValdez · 12-21-2006, 11:22 AM

Don't remember if I've told this one, but then maybe it doesn't matter.

A man is convicted and sent to prison. In the messhall the first day, a prisoner calls out, "83!" and everyone laughs. Someone else says, "428!" and more laughter results. In the course of the meal, several other numbers are called, eliciting laughter from the prisoners.

The new convict is confused and leans over to his neighbor and asks, "What's this business with the numbers?" The other prisoner tells him, "Well, we've all been in here so long, we've heard everyone's jokes a thousand times already. So, we just number the jokes instead, to save everyone the time of having to tell a joke everyone's heard."

That's pretty cool, the new convict thinks, and he wants to get along with all his new comrades. So, he calls out, "94!" Nobody laughs. He turns to the prisoner he was talking to before, "What's the matter? Is 94 not a funny joke?" The old prisoner replies, "It's a good joke. But, some people know how to tell 'em and some don't."

bnb · 12-21-2006, 02:08 PM

Next day in the mess hall, same routine. "82" laughter. "672" laugher. "321" laugher. but one guy is literally rolling on the floor. can't stop laughing.

"really like that one, do you" askes his cell mate.

"well...i'd just never heard it before" he responds.

glad_ken · 02:20 PM

This radio show prank call that had me rolling!!!

http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/182...sethemouth.mp3

SwoLy-D · 12-21-2006, 03:31 PM

This guy is walking through a neighborhood with an insane asylum.

He hears all the insane dudes screaming inside "Thir-teen! thir-teen! thir-teen!"

He wonders what happens... and sees there's a crevace on the fence with a hole...

As he peeks, one crazy insane dude inside pokes him in the eye...

They all start shouting "Four-teen! Four-teen! Four-teen!"