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Joke o' tha day

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Buck Turgidson, Sep 12, 2003.

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  1. Buck Turgidson

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    Happy Friday to all...

    Saddam decided to send George W. a letter to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

    370HSSV-0773H

    George W. couldn't figure it out so he shared it with Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could decode it so it went to the NSA -- and then to MIT, NASA, the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

    Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
     
  2. A-Train

    A-Train Contributing Member

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    I've had rectal exams that were funnier than that...
     
  3. Isabel

    Isabel Member

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    It's like those things you do in middle school, where you learn what all you can spell if you hold a calculator upside down. (for example, a boy says, "Hey Isabel! This is what you are!" and typed in 55378008. That one doesn't even apply to me.)
     
  4. ima_drummer2k

    ima_drummer2k Contributing Member

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    Here's my joke o' tha day:

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Contributing Member

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    Final Child Support Payment..... Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.......

    I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those damn payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her this is the last damn check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to tell me the expression on her face."

    So my baby girl took the check over to her.

    I was so anxious to hear what the pregnant dog had to say and what she looked like.

    As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"


    "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
     
  6. Smokey

    Smokey Contributing Member

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    I remember one calculator trick from middle school:

    There was 1 girl, she was 16, she got screwed 69 times by 3 guys, what was she?

    11669 x 3 = 35007
     
  7. Rashmon

    Rashmon Contributing Member

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    Never mind. I just read all of your post.
     
  8. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Contributing Member

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    FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
    ----------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
    probably never be able to support you.
    ----------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
    closer to the kitchen sink.
    ----------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
    ----------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    ----------------------------------------
    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
    pressure.
    ----------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
    the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    ----------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.
    --------------------------------------
    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    ----------------------------------------
    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
    her.
    ---------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
    drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
    ----------------------------------------
    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
    Suffering.
    ----------------------------------------
    Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!"
    ----------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
    created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither
    God or Man has rested.
    ------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
    ----------------------------------------
    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
    and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
    ----------------------------------------
    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
    a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.
    ----------------------------------------
    A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
    "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
    said the same thing: "You can have mine."
    ----------------------------------------
    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
    it once.
    ----------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
    street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
    beautiful.
     
  9. B-Bob

    B-Bob "94-year-old self-described dreamer"

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    Wow, this thread is pretty 3WV7
     
  10. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Contributing Member

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    Texas Chili Cookoff
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
    Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy nuts, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
    beans.
    Judge # 2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
    Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
    getting nuts-faced from of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I nuts myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like nuts to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
     
  11. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Contributing Member

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    Things NEVER to say during sex

    Is it in?
    That's it?
    You've got to be kidding me.
    (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
    Do I have to pay for this?
    Do I have to call you tomorrow?
    Oh momma, momma!
    Oh dadda, dadda!
    You look better in the dark.
    This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
    I thought that goes in the other hole...
    Don't tell my husband/wife.
    You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
    This sucks.
    Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
    I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
    I think you might get the job for this.
    d**n! Is that all you know what to do.
    Hurry up, the game's about to start.
    You're so much like your sister...
    Your mom's cute.
    What's your name again?
    Do I have to be here in the morning?
    A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
    God, that is small!
    Hold on, let me change the channel...
    Who smells like fish?
    Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
    Your best friend does it much better.
    Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
    Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
    You're fogging up the wind-shield.
    What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
    Stop interrupting me!
    Is it o.k. if I call someone, it's o.k. though, keep going...
    It's ok honey, i can imagine that it's bigger.
    God I wish you were a real woman.
    Why can't you ever shave your legs?
    Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... nuts.
    Your breast milk is like my mom's...
    Is it o.k. if I never see you again?
    Suck my thingy, pregnant dog.
    How much do I owe you?
    How come we each have a thingy?
    Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
    Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
    Just use your finger, it's bigger.
    Does your family have to watch?
    We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
    Get off me, I'll do it myself!
    Can you hold this sandwhich for me?
    You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
    The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
    My mom taught me this...
    How cute... peach fuzz!
    d**n girl! My t*** are bigger than yours!
    I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
    I was once a woman...
    Is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
    I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
    You wanted me to use a condom?
    You're no better than my brother!
    Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
    O.k. start... Oh! that feels so... You're done?!
    I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
    Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
    Of course I don't love you.
     

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